2. What Punishment is to me

I am not perfect. I want to be perfect. Perfect is not just accuracy of action, it is a state of being… a state of mind… an ideal that we chase even though it is impossible to ever reach it. I have always been of the school of thought that if you put all of your effort into something impossible, you will be closer to it than if you didn’t try at all.

Perfection is complete love, adoration, and obedience. It is putting her desires to the forefront of my mind at all times. I will fail. I always do. My best intentions are never enough to take me there.

Perfection is the ideal attitude… always eager to please and happy simply for the chance to serve. I comply not out of fear but because my perfect self is happy to be useful to her. I will fail. I always do. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but it will happen. I guarantee it.

Perfection is the purity of my desire to see her happy. The purity of placing her needs above mine. The purity of graciously accepting what she gives to me and never desiring anything beyond that. I will fail. I always do.

Perfection is executing every act with total accuracy, mastery, proficiency, and speed. It is only showing the best version of my capabilities. It is doing every in just the right way every time. I will fail. I always do.

I am okay if she expects me to be perfect. This means that she believes in my potential and has faith that I can be the best version of my ideal submissive. That is the goal that I chase. I feel if I reach it that I will have worth and be proud of myself. I seek it because it will make her the most happy with me. If I find it, I may even feel worthy of her love.

To me, punishment shows her faith in my potential. It shows her willingness to be patient with my shortcomings and guide me to the right path. She saves me from mediocrity and helps me improve myself in my constant quest for perfection.

I am not a masochist. I do not crave her disappointment. I suffer when I let her down. I suffer when I fail my expectations I have for myself.

I may never be perfect but I want to be. Perfection is what she deserves.

2 thoughts on “2. What Punishment is to me

  1. As a sub, I wanted punishment from the get go. I couldn’t see how D/s would work without it. However, it wasn’t something my husband was interested in, so it was pretty much a constant struggle. In the very beginning I didn’t even know why I wanted it, I just knew I did. I wrote about my struggle a few times, got quite a few comments and conversed via email with a couple subs. Those conversations combined with his thoughts left me believing that I shouldn’t expect it and I was messed up for wanting it. After that, I didn’t expect it, I still wanted it, and I hated myself for wanting it. That also ended up opening the flood gates for guilt — I don’t need to tell you how crippling guilt can be. Turns out, I did need it and it’s wasn’t wrong for me to expect it or want it.

    Even though it was what it was, I am glad things played out as they did because I think it will be helpful to me now, as a Domme.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Ms Dixie. I have to believe there are those that act out in order to gain physical attention. This causes a bit of a backlash as people want to distance themselves from the problem people. I also know of other cases where subs have been conditioned to crave such interactions. Eg having sex after punishment time.

      I can’t quite relate in those ways as I just do not have any desire for physical pain in itself… I merely value its educational and corrective potential 🙂

      Take care.


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