4. Musings in my head

There was a time in my life when I was sure of myself.  I wasn’t happy, but I stood by my beliefs with conviction and had evidence to support them.  I felt like I understood many things… and my place among them.  It was very easy to “be strong and do the right thing” because everything was laid out in a neatly defined system.

Lately I have found myself wondering a lot more.  I no longer feel like I have anything figured out.  The concept of “right” is an idea… and it is a shifting mass that expands and contracts without ever taking a static form.  As such it is impossible to determine what is right… there is just the idea and how it pertains to any single moment.

I no longer feel strong or have a certainty behind my actions.  The more I come to understand myself the more I see how many of my choices are made out of weakness.  The old me would have chastised myself for behaving this way.  The current me sees a system that allows me to get by in the best way that I can, free from pride that may cloud my judgement.  I feel weak.

The only truth I can grasp are the feelings in my heart.  What I might desire or long for… what allows me to exist from one moment to the next… in a wave of unstable emotional well-being the basic feelings remain the only constant within me.

I need to love someone.  That is the only certainty which exists within this version of me.  When I scrape away the clouds surrounding my mind that is the only clear vision of truth.


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