There was a time in my life when I was sure of myself. I wasn’t happy, but I stood by my beliefs with conviction and had evidence to support them. I felt like I understood many things… and my place among them. It was very easy to “be strong and do the right thing” because everything was laid out in a neatly defined system.
Lately I have found myself wondering a lot more. I no longer feel like I have anything figured out. The concept of “right” is an idea… and it is a shifting mass that expands and contracts without ever taking a static form. As such it is impossible to determine what is right… there is just the idea and how it pertains to any single moment.
I no longer feel strong or have a certainty behind my actions. The more I come to understand myself the more I see how many of my choices are made out of weakness. The old me would have chastised myself for behaving this way. The current me sees a system that allows me to get by in the best way that I can, free from pride that may cloud my judgement. I feel weak.
The only truth I can grasp are the feelings in my heart. What I might desire or long for… what allows me to exist from one moment to the next… in a wave of unstable emotional well-being the basic feelings remain the only constant within me.
I need to love someone. That is the only certainty which exists within this version of me. When I scrape away the clouds surrounding my mind that is the only clear vision of truth.