I have memories of some of my down times when I was with F. Because our contact and time we could spend together was limited we always did our best to make the most of it. This at times was a bit tricky as extended solitude is often at the core of my demons.
While I always wished for the best and was excited, looking forward to her next arrival there were some days where I was feeling a bit down and could not mentally prepare myself. This was an emotional cluster-fuck as I was angry and disappointed in myself for not making the most of and appreciating the time. I was angry and disappointed in myself for not being the best version of me for her. I was angry and disappointed in myself for not being strong enough to keep the demons at bay. This was good for no one.
F knew that I wanted the best for us. She knew that it bothered me that I wasn’t always in great mental condition. After some extended discussion I made a request for her to punish me if I wasn’t mentally prepared. The night before our next meeting I would let her know my condition and if I was in bad shape, that would dictate the next day out of the gate. This request puzzled her at first but I was able to explain that in my bad headspace I was not what I wanted to be, not what she wanted me to be, and that it made me feel doubly awful because I couldn’t snap out of it when I wanted to. Basically, I would end up feeling selfish because my own issues were “stronger” than my desires to love and serve her to the best of my abilities.
F would never shy away from reasons to hit me and this gave her an excuse on these days to unleash the sadist as soon as the door closed behind her. After I would greet her with our rituals it was immediately over her lap where she would whup me to tears while scolding me for being selfish, ill-prepared, and failing to fulfill my promises to her. This was usually followed by some time in the corner for “reflection on my poor attitude.” In its aftermath I was filled with remorse but earned forgiveness through penance. My love for her was the focal point of my heart and I felt close and intimate on an extremely deep level.
While this might seem odd to those on the outside… it was very effective at bringing me to a better place. It seems that the act supplied me with enough subspace-induced brain chemicals that it was able to over-power the chemical imbalances of my depression. To this day it was the most effective kind of therapy I have ever had.