25. A little bit about me

I’ve touched a bit on these before, but I had three major reasons for venturing into WordPress.

  • To find new people to interact with that I wasn’t reaching via Blogger.
  • To have someplace to mirror posts that would be more focused upon Femdom and less “all over the place.”
  • To “re-brand” my writing and avoid the stigmas, judgments, and prejudices associated with my Blogger blog’s title and color scheme.

As I am being somewhat selective with which posts I choose to show here, I worry a bit that my personal voice and frame of reference probably won’t come through as well, especially considering that the other blog has 7 years and hundreds of posts to provide a background that is not here.

So here goes…

It probably goes without saying that I am a submissive male.  I have lived the Femdom D/s lifestyle for years and I am a very large proponent of it.

I suffer from depression that has plagued me since a very young age.  It ebbs and flows, mostly cycling between mild and severe.  I live my life un-medicated, doing my best to cope with it and find my own ways to get through it.

I am an orphan.  I am a minority (one of those Asian import models that got popular during the 70’s).  I was adopted into a white family that lived in a very white city.  Racism became a firm part of my life at the age of four.  My family had very little love in it.  I learned later that by the time I was adopted, my father and mother had not loved each other for over 2 years, but they had been on the waiting list for so long… they figured, “let’s keep it.”

My adopted family expected great things of me.  It was expected that I would be amazing at sports and academics.  There was quite a bit of physical abuse.  The more strained my parents’ marriage became, the more frequent and brutal the beatings were.  The pressure to succeed continued to build.  Through a mix of hard work and talent I was able to meet those expectations the majority of the time but in the end it really didn’t matter. There is no celebration, no joy, I just move onto the next thing I’m supposed to master.  This was the process by which I “earned” attention.  Sometimes it came with affection and love, but usually it was a mix of “we notice you did well, don’t be too proud of it, focus on what’s next.”

By the time I was 20 years old I had directly or indirectly tried to kill myself over a dozen times.  I had been a drug addict and alcoholic, anything to ease the pain.  I had never felt love.  I was a miserable wreck of a human.

K was my first true love.  She saw me as someone with value and loved me.  She brought me into the D/s lifestyle.  For the first time, I felt peace and happiness.  Cancer took her from me 12 years ago.  It was absolutely devastating.

I have had to move on with my life.  I have loved and lost, grown in some ways and regressed in others.  I’m still a bit neurotic but a lot more stable than I was in my youth.  Depression still plays its part but I have a larger box of tools to combat it with.

My current relationship has devolved from kinky to vanilla in a painfully slow trickle.  It is abusive sometimes but it is better than being alone.  I maintain hope that things will turn around and improve in the future.

While D/s is currently absent, it stays in my mind.  I live vicariously through writing and reading.  I help when I can, making an effort to help share with and educate others.  It feels good to pass on knowledge gained through experience.  It feels good to help people.

I don’t think of myself as a successful person.  I’m probably closer to a survivor.  I manage to keep on going when there is no reason to… even when I don’t want to.  There aren’t a lot of things in my life that I am proud of, but if I had to choose one it is that I still choose to feel.  I relish my feelings.  I cherish things that resonate deeply in my heart.  I hope to share more of those things with you here.


One thought on “25. A little bit about me

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s