I’ve been feeling stretched too thin lately and it is a feeling I haven’t felt in a very long time. Emotions pulled around with hope in tow but uneasy and exhausted at the same time. I’m going to try to write this post and I’m hoping my brain allows it to be coherent. I have no idea where this post will take me so I will just write and see what comes out.
I’ve been slowly processing a lot lately in regards to the thoughts that brought about the Searching for a Term post. Reading the words people write and having discussions with others… a lot more is starting to make sense. I often wonder how some of these nuances get so complicated… but I know that’s just how things are.
I feel like I’ve finally managed to see the forest without being blinded by the trees on this subject and the bigger picture leads me to the topic of control and how it interacts with submissive behavior and subspace.
In regards to submissive behavior I fear that I am skewed by how my own submission works. When I submit through love it transports me to a different place in my mind that changes the values and priorities of my being and creates a sexual connection with my submissive behaviors. This is the state that I refer to as my subspace.
There are many submissive husbands or partners that willingly take upon themselves life’s more tedious tasks including cooking, cleaning, chores, and the like. A part that I feel like I am missing is the knowledge as to how other subs who perform these tasks feel about doing them. I can only speak for myself in that when dynamics/rules/expectations are in place I do these out of love and knowing that these are what she expects of me I enter subspace and get aroused. What do other subs feel?
Do they do it purely out of love in the absence of subspace and does their heart tell them “I want to do this and it makes me happy” or is it closer to “I have to do this because this is what she wants”?
Do they ever feel frustrated and wishing they did not have to do it or are they always able to keep their mind pure?
The closest I can imagine to my feelings in the absence of subspace is having to clean or do chores for someone I do not submit to. Would I do these things happily and with a smile? Probably not. I do not enjoy them nor are they something I would likely volunteer for. I could see doing it once or twice as a favor or to repay a favor, but these aren’t activities that float my boat in a general sense.
However, if I was asked to cook or clean for someone by my Mistress with expectations that I will do a thorough and quality job, this does tap into my subspace and I would willingly comply and most likely have an erection. The fear of failing to meet her expectations in addition to the threat of punishment are very strong submissive triggers.
Working off of the descriptions used by the people’s with views that don’t quite coincide with my own, I find myself having to believe that there must be a significant submissive male population that “happily” does chores purely out of love and without the need for subspace. My brain is at odds with this belief due to the number of complaints you will see about the number of subs that do not wish to partake in the service side of the lifestyle. My rational self believes that the men in relationships who perform the services daily over the long-run find a way to access their subspace through this.
If anyone has any insight into this please share it with me.
This leads me to the second half that is more closely related to the Terms post and this is the relationship of control to Domspace. The way that I am finding differences in the philosophies of Domme’s is heavily rooted in their views on control. Nearly all Dommes want to have control. A smaller number of Dommes take pleasure in exerting, maintaining, and ensuring control.
I find this to be a crucial difference and falls at the core of what I have been trying to find words to convey for several years. This difference has widespread effects in regards to the dynamics are set up within a relationship and often seems to determine the rules and consequences that go along with expectations. This strongly affects views on punishment dynamics, chastity, and the like.
A Domme that only desires control may see exerting, maintaining, and ensuring control as a chore. They may make a statement like “When I state an expectation I assume it will be met without the need for fear or threats.” This view is common and I believe it assumes that either subs do not require any extra motivation to enter subspace or that subs do not require subspace to to be wholly compliant. This doesn’t make things any less dominant, it just requires a sub to perform well in the absence of dynamics.
A Domme that draws pleasure from exerting, maintaining, and ensuring control seems to be wired a bit differently. Those acts are a source of enjoyment rather than reluctance. They may enact punishment dynamics because they want the sub to feel fear and experience pain if they fall short of expectations. They may add rules or twists to the routine to increase the intensity and/or cause the sub to struggle. I believe all micro managers fall under this type. I believe that Dommes that believe in maintenance punishment are also of this type. If the rules are strict is maintenance actually needed? Probably not, but it provides them a reason to make the sub suffer in the absence of failure and wielding this type of control appeals to them. They do it because they want to and because they like it.
I’m kind of feeling like this is the best contrast I am going to get to but I’m not quite happy with being able to describe them at their essences without just tacking on a slew of examples of each. I do feel like this has helped me reach some of the “missing perspective” that I was failing to understand from the first Domme type that I outlined above. Unfortunately when I have encountered those types and asked questions, it was very clear to me that they do not want to explore it in detail. I have to say that from the outside looking in, it is a hell of a lot harder to put these pieces together.
I am also curious if the submissive type that I spoke about in fact exists and what their feelings are like both when they are “in the mood” and not in the mood to perform their tasks. I have mostly thought under the view that to find that fulfilling they would require subspace but I am open to the idea that they are just better and more pure than I am in a way that I struggle to relate to.
In any case, I hope that at least someone finds this interesting.