67. Why I hide…

I worry occasionally that some posts appear out of context here.  This is not my main blog and a good bit of the backstory of who I am is not present here.  At some point I hope that people have read “enough” of me to understand a bit about my experiences and points of view and how they influence the voice with which I write.

When I started blogging in 2010 it had three major purposes:

  1. To interact with others who shared a similar mindset about the lifestyle and to learn from each other and develop some friendships.
  2. To be able to give advice to people who were new to the lifestyle or looking to get their feet wet.
  3. To come to terms with who I am and what has happened to me in the D/s lifestyle.

It turns out that #3 really screwed with #1 and #2.  My choices of screen name, blog title, blog color, and avatar all became something that I would grow to regret.

It’s probably easier to just come out and say it.  I was made into a sissy.  That label carries such a horrific stigma in the BDSM community.  It was the last thing I ever wanted to happen.  It was something that made me cry when I realized what had happened.  What started out as a punishment turned into a D/s dynamic and over the course of several years I was unintentionally conditioned sexually to have that be my primary source of arousal.  This happened across relationships with two different Dommes, neither of which realized it was happening until the damage was done.

After the relationship ended with my second Domme and I had regained my sexual freedom I figured I’d go find some bondage porn or look at some Sardax drawings and rub one out.  It took about five minutes to realize that something wasn’t right.  It’s not an exaggeration to say that I toppled to the floor with my hands gripping my hair and wailed, shrieking with tears when I realized that without at least the fantasy (or reality) of humiliation that I wasn’t going to be able to orgasm.

The concept had been safe to me when it was something that she wanted to do and it took me to a deep place in subspace.  Back then it was still optional.  Shit got very real very quickly.  I did manage to find another relationship with a Domme after that which put many of the fears at ease, but after a couple of years I decided to start blogging in hope to garner an understanding of myself and ideally, some self-acceptance.

I went ahead and jumped in with a name, avatar, blog title, and color scheme that reflected this self.  I figured that I may as well try to just accept it and work from there.  I follow all sorts of blogs, a good number of which include lifestyles that are not something I would like to experience but I like to learn as much as I can an understand people.  I follow blogs centered around chastity, cuckolding, poly, spankos, pro dominatrices, a handful of findoms, sex workers, sissies, erotica authors, fetish artists, faptions, and the like in addition to those that I relate to most: monogamous loving lifestyle Femdom relationships.

What I really didn’t anticipate was being outright rejected by 99% of the submissive male community that didn’t consider themselves to be sissies.  This ranged from outright insults to passive aggressive ignoring to not-so-subtle “hints” that my kind wasn’t welcome there.  Even in the rare cases when I did manage to connect, blog follows and comments were never reciprocated.  It was disappointing because at least 80% of what I wrote had them as the primary demographic.

I do receive relatively few comments overall (on Blogger) and the vast majority of them are from Dommes because they didn’t seem to care about those things and measure me on the quality of my words and thoughts.  I’ve had a few male Dom readers over the years as well that would enjoy my ideas on D/s.  I also get quite a few contacts from Femsubs, especially those that are interested in the deeper aspects of D/s and don’t care about my gender or sub type.  The common answer I would get when I wondered about this is that “men don’t leave comments,” except they do… just elsewhere.

I have had a lot of friends over the years of various differences:  Lesbian, homosexual male, deaf, wheel-chair bound, dependent upon crutches, speech impediments, severe facial scarring, various races, thick accents, strange clothing choices, and the like.  I am also a minority.  You get a sense when people don’t want to be seen with someone else.  The sissy stigma brought about similar feelings.

I’m straight.  Any type of sexual contact with men is on my hard limit list.  I have no desire to be a woman or feminine.  I don’t look pretty.  I’m actually a really muscular guy with an athletics background.  I found it really disappointing that a supposedly open-minded community would be so closed off.  I’m less naive now and harbor no illusions that the community at large is all that open-minded.  The people I connect with are special people regardless of gender or role.

I figure this is a start to sharing the deeper parts of who I am.  Yesterday I had a rather large epiphany that caused a wave of repressed memories to rush back in force and gave many reasons to the questions that have plagued me since the beginning.  I kind of have to share this info before I share any of that.

As a whole I have found WordPress to be a lot more welcoming than the Blogger community.  I suppose I should probably take advantage of that and try to be more comfortable sharing openly.

7 thoughts on “67. Why I hide…

  1. Good post. It explains a lot, raises questions. The question that sticks out is this; is the “persona” associated with a person in the D/s or fetish world really a true reflection of that individual? I guess, ultimately, it’s just another variant of stereotyping.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, David.

      I suppose my response to the question could be a post in itself. I have met a lot of people in the lifestyle over the years and I believe that how much of their dominant or submissive persona varies widely. So much of this life is based upon trust that a lot of it is dependent upon how much time the involved parties have been together to learn the ins and outs of one another and build that foundation of trust.

      As I can only speak for myself, I know in my own case my psyche was fragmented due to trauma and abuse at a young age (~3-6). In dealing with the world I have a well-developed suit of alpha armor with sharp claws and teeth that protects my vulnerabilities. Deeper in lies a terrified boy that craves love and intimacy that can only be reached through vulnerability. I live as my alpha when needed but prefer to be in an environment where I feel comfortable being vulnerable. The latter has only happened for me through submission. As for if one of these parts is the true reflection of myself? I’m not sure as I have to believe that both are a part of me and necessary even if I prefer to be only one of them.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Started to respond here, but it morphed into a post of it’s own. So I’ll just ramble for pages on end over on my blog and link to your original.

    Thank you for bringing this topic up!

    Oh, and fuck yes, you’re welcome here! I’ll would be pretty shocked to find out I’m wrong about this. (Unfortunately, we need only look back at a certain ‘sausage fest’ comment to see I’m wrong like 687 times a day…shhhhh….)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Polthus. I look forward to reading it.

      The blogs here definitely give me a very different vibe than what I was accustomed to encountering on Blogger and I consider that a good thing.

      I do know that some of the people that stir up shit on V’s blog comments do the same to other authors on Blogger.

      Take care.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Thanks – look forward to finishing it. I started drafting and found my logic and explanations wanting. So I’ll make another stab over the next few days.

        Not that whatever I say will be profound. I’ll settle for coherent.

        I’ve yet to have a troll come knocking. But I’m not exactly a widely read blogger.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you. I’ve found that very few trolls tend to venture out unless someone makes a very bold and strongly disagreeable statement, e.g. “All ______ are _____.” I try to avoid that mistake.

          There is a certain type of male sub author on Blogger that tend to believe (or respond to people as if) that they are the only intelligent submissive man on the planet. Those are the ones that are most likely to be negative and it is a bummer to run into them on a lot of the Domme blogs.

          I will keep checking your blog for it, I’m curious as to what it covers.

          Take care.

          Liked by 1 person

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