75. Personal ramblings on submission

This past weekend I had a bit of an epiphany regarding my submission.  It has only been in the past year or so that I was aware of the term “little” (as a noun) and how prevalent it was in the M/f realm.  I have/had a very deep level of subspace which was pretty much a slavespace that could be reached rather easily with a handful of specific triggers.

When I tried to describe the slavespace it was like I reached the mindset of a terrified boy, willing to do anything for approval/acceptance (although hyper-sexual at the same time).  After mulling this idea over for a couple of weeks and lost in thought on the possibility that my inner slave was in fact a little a wave of traumatic memories came rushing back to me that occurred around ages 2-4.  Needless to say these memories were quite unpleasant and involved a significant amount of emotional trauma that caused the birth of a new public persona, the side of me I refer to as my alpha.

I recounted a lot of this in a series of posts on my Blogger blog but the basic idea is that my family believed heavily in hand-me-downs.  Unfortunately, my older sibling is a sister, which meant that I ended up with her old big wheel, bike, sled, skis, ice skates, snow pants, hats, mittens, etc.  This led to a constant state of ridicule from both peers and once she reached a certain age, her treatment of me went from protective older sister to mean-spirited bitch who was trying to look cool in front of the world.  Stack this up with the regular doses of racism and pressures I felt from my family and I pretty much hated myself and wanted to die by age 4.

To cope, I shut down the vulnerable side of my personality completely.  I became an aggressive jerk who showed no true feelings or emotion and stayed stuck in that from age 5-16 until I was finally able to relax it a bit and slowly become a better human being.  I was stunted quite a bit though and I didn’t really feel comfortable sharing anything of my true self until my early to mid 20’s and I was unable to be truly vulnerable until I discovered D/s.

I’m currently picking up the pieces and trying to solve the puzzle while also trying to heal from the damage.  I had buried these memories for 30+ years.  While I recounted the memories and wrote them out I felt like I purged the anxiety linked to those memories out of me.  While that was a relief, I realized that anxiety was the reason my slavespace was such an easy trigger, and with the anxiety gone, so is that entire persona (slave, little, or whatever it was).

As I sit now I’m trying to make sense of all this while I feel a bit wrecked.  In the end this may only seem like a small bump along the way but it’s always uncomfortable to feel like everything you had understood up until now is completely different.


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