81. The Allure of Humiliation in D/s

Just a quick note for an intro, but I’m in the mood to write without anything particularly on my mind.  On my primary blog I’ve written about a kabillion topics, often more than once but readers here haven’t had a chance to see many of those so I figure that gives me the green light to rehash some ideas.

I haven’t actively sought out a Domme in a very long time.  Occasionally, usually after periods of intense turmoil on the home front I may browse some profiles on fetlife or collarspace or the like to see what is out there.  To be honest, in most cases it takes only a handful of them to make me stop looking.

Humiliation is a topic that I feel gets misunderstood pretty badly.  It sort of feels like the common views upon it are rather polarizing.  On one end, you have people that like to bully and often spout out some cliche insults as if they were coming off of a script.  On the other end, you find Dommes looking for a loving relationship who are aghast at the thought of humiliating their partner, partly from a stance of respect but mostly because they see it as mean-spirited and opposite of how you would treat someone that you love.  There are a handful of Dommes that seem to grasp the happy medium that understand humiliation’s place as part of the dynamics of a loving D/s relationship, but they are rather rare and even more rarely are they single or looking.

I have to wonder why as a whole there isn’t a better understanding of humiliation.  Part of me knows that men, while entrenched in fetishes/fantasies are often rather disgusting when shoving said fetishes down the throat of a potential Domme.  Another part of me knows that a lot of the kink realm falls into the “why the hell do I have an erection?” category and people struggle to articulate it simply because they don’t know… and often wish that it wasn’t there.

My personal subspace is driven heavily by humiliation.  It didn’t make sense to me for a long time but after a lot of soul searching and trying to connect who I am now with emotional damage from my past I was able to come to an answer that seems reasonably plausible.

Nearly all men have insecurities of some sort.  Actually, it’s probably safe to say all men have insecurities (the ones that try to hide them the most are usually obvious in their false bravado).  These can range from mild to extreme and a huge number of them stem from prolonged self-consciousness caused by unwelcome hurtful behavior.  If you are an adult male it almost a given that you have probably had someone try to or succeed at making you feel fucked up about something about yourself.  Some of these things are within our control while others are not.  What seems to separate insecurities from trauma is the depth of the hurt.

If someone makes fun of the shape of your ears, it might make you self-conscious but unless a girl you loved rejected you because of the shape of your ears, it probably doesn’t haunt you too badly.  However, if enough people made fun of your ears over a long period of time and did it in just the right way, you may be absolutely convinced that you will be rejected because of the shape of your ears.  That latter type seems to affect people as strongly as if the actual rejection had happened.

How does this apply to humiliation?  It’s probably easiest if I dig up a couple common examples.

  • SPH (small penis humiliation)
  • Kink-shaming
  • Cuckolding

SPH: Unless a guy is hung like a porn star, it is almost certain that he has at some point in time been a bit self-conscious about his penis size.  The smaller you are, the worse this gets.  No amount of assurance from a woman will ever make this go away.  You’ve seen a porn star cock and yours isn’t like that.  You’ve seen the size of her toys and yours isn’t like that.  “It’s a good size.”  “It’s big enough.”  “It’s not about the size, it’s what you do with it.”  They sound like kind white lies.  While they are meant to make you feel better, they are never enough to erase the doubt completely… because you don’t have a porn star dick.

Male ego, pride, etc. are often heavily reliant on the idea of sexual proficiency and we fear that if we aren’t hung like porn stars that we may always be a little bit lacking in that department, or at least not reaching the full potential.  We turn a blind eye to the fact that women come in different shapes and sizes and have different preferences about this… because we know the truth.

Here’s where SPH comes in.  What is the worst thing that could ever happen due to your penis being too small?  She will laugh at you?  No.  She will be unsatisfied sexually?  No.  The worst possible thing is that she will reject you because of its size.  This includes the double-worry that after rejecting you she will tell everyone else, thus making you absolutely undesirable.  Rational fear?  Hell no.  Possible “man” fear?  Yes.

Since nothing can convince the man that he is indeed large and/or it is the perfect size for her preferences, SPH is actually comforting.  “I wish it was bigger.”  “Size matters.”  When a man hears these words they sound like TRUTH.  All of those insecure fears come to fruition as the shame of knowing you aren’t quite how she wants you to be crushes your ego and pride with the ache of humiliation.  But… you aren’t rejected.  She keeps you near and teases you.  She keeps you.  All of his fears are in fact true, but they aren’t enough to be rejected for them.  Most likely he will feel shame every time this is repeated but the fear is gone as long as he knows she accepts him as he is… and this provides a sense of peace and comfort that never doubts the validity of her words.

Kink-shaming: It’s almost too common for people to enter this world feeling a bit fucked up about their fetishes.  They keep them secret.  They don’t want anyone to know.  If anyone finds out, they’ll think you are a freak… a deviant… a pariah.  The shame and guilt over worrying about this supplies nearly perfect breading grounds for fetish development and in most cases, the fetish is ingrained within him before he has ever felt comfortable talking about it with anyone.

Kink-shaming works in pretty much the same way as SPH.  No one will ever convince us that we are normal.  Our greatest fear is being rejected by it.  Being called a freak, pervert, sicko, and so on are the words that sound like truth.  The words sting and bring about shame.  In humiliation also lies comfort.  She keeps you.  That makes it okay.

Cuckolding: This is starting to feel repetitious so I probably don’t need to spell out the male fear of being an inferior lover to the extent that she wishes to find someone that is superior.  Rinse, repeat, he feels humiliated but she keeps him.

In my own self I carry enough insecurities to fill a dump truck.  They make me neurotic, focused, and naturally over-compensating.  The damage happened so young and so severe that it feels like it is beyond repair.  I don’t want to be coddled.  I don’t want to be told words that my psyche will treat as dishonest.  Tell me the truth.  Be brutally honest.  Tear me down… just please, keep me.  This is the allure of humiliation in D/s: it is a peaceful outcome to an insecurity that will never go away.  This can be done lovingly and may often inspire a reactive response of arousal, intense love, and intimacy.

That being said, it’s not for everyone.  I did wish to make a case for it as I’m guessing at least one person out there has been felt “I don’t get why someone would want this…”


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