This post is the flowing of thoughts. It will likely go all over the place and I can’t guarantee it will end up anywhere in particular.
I’m not sure why it is but there doesn’t seem to be much written about the mental and emotional sides of D/s. I’m not sure if it is because the majority of people who write on blogs, fetlife, etc. more commonly practice kink along BDSM rules or what, but it always seems like only a select few delve into the inter-workings of subspace or Domspace with any regularity.
The feelings going on inside my head and heart drive my need for this lifestyle greater than any physical activity. What I crave are dynamics that grab hold of my soul and do not let go. I’m not sure exactly why this is but there are a handful of things that come to mind.
I grew up in an area where passive-aggressive behavior is the norm and my family life was riddled with guessing games and under-handed interactions where the true meanings were rarely clear. The end result was being forced to think… and doubt… and agonize. The second aspect is that I had terrible luck with dating and relationships for the majority of my life. Frequently I was the only one of my friends to not have a significant other. As I got older, the amount of time I spent socializing with peers declined rapidly as they started families and I spent a lot of time alone.
I have never been someone that chased sex. I have never been someone that desired intimacy with someone I wasn’t close to. I had always wanted to be in love.
In many ways, D/s is the “perfect” situation for me to be in. Expectations are clear from the start. My mindset must be outward-thinking in order to meet those expectations. This thought process becomes habitual and with enough expectations placed upon me, it is strong enough to over-ride the thought patterns and habits I developed during long periods of being single. If you spend enough time alone, it’s very easy to stop thinking about other people in your thoughts, decisions, and actions. “What do I want to do?” “What would feel good for me?” “What would make me happy?” It’s a form of learned selfishness. It’s not intentional, it just reflects the reality of things. If I find myself in this mindset, I am not proud of it and I dislike who I am.
For me, D/s leads to an extreme shift in the opposite direction. Every thought requires consideration of her and the majority of times she is the focal point. “What would she like me to do?” “What would feel good for her?” “What would make her happy?” When I am in this mindset, I am proud of it and I rather like who I am. I think most people like the idea of feeling unselfish and caring so it is no surprise to feel like this is an upgrade over learned selfishness.
What turns this into the land of kink is that I do not want my thoughts to stop there. I crave to feel ultimately unselfish and useful. The complimentary role to this… the yin to my yang… is ultimate selfishness. I am drawn to being punished or ridiculed for having any desires that are pleasurable to me but do not benefit her in any way. I am drawn to having my sense of self broken and reshaped in a manner that is most pleasing to her.
The idea of thanks, gratitude, or acknowledgment of my actions feels awkward. Are these things necessary when I merely do what I am supposed to do, promised to do, and offered to do of my own free will? No. You don’t thank a lamp for providing light. However, you do appreciate the presence of the lamp because it provides light. That is all that I need… appreciation for my presence. Loving and serving a woman who embraces her selfishness brings out the best in me and makes me feel good about who I am.
I have never been called a doormat. Total submission requires ultimate versatility: to be what is best for her at any given time. It is natural that this covers a large variety of roles and regularly requires me to display different parts of my personality. Part of being a submissive requires you to be just as interesting as you are obedient. As the dynamics of the situation shift and flow, so must your state of being. Being a servant, a friend, a life companion, and a sex toy are all part of the role.
That being said, she is the one that ultimately controls my appropriate role. Control falls at the core of what feeds my subspace. I believe this topic is what leads to breakdowns in communication and understanding with certain others. I envy those who can clearly state “I like [insert BDSM activity here].” I have maybe two or three activities I feel that way about. The true craving of my subspace is to be under her control. It is easy to sway someone to do something they want to do. I feel that control is the center of making someone do something they do NOT want to do.
My subspace thrives upon situations where she comes up with an order and everything in my mind and body scream “No, I don’t want this.” It is natural to hesitate. She will most likely notice the hesitation. Sometimes she makes a reminder of the consequences of disobedience. My ego crumbles as it accepts the inevitable outcome: I will do what she wants regardless of how I feel about that. This is when I feel my submission the strongest. This is what drives me into the depths of subspace. The twitch of anguish knowing the inevitable is undesirable yet it is something for me to endure usually leaves me with an erection. It’s a pretty screwed up feeling. My own suffering is minor compared to the thought of disappointing her.
Is this consensual? Yes. Is this mutually pleasurable? Yes and no. Do I want this? No. Do I like what it does to me? Hell yes.
The confusion is rather glorious.