For the past week I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out just how to interpret my deepest submissive state. Last summer, Watson, some other readers, and I had some great discussions upon their process of reaching slavespace and what it feels like within the mind.
I noticed something about my own feeling set that different in a handful of key ways from the others. Most described a sense of a total dissolution of self where they no longer existed as individuals but mostly held an innate sense of purpose that was defined by the Domme. This purpose over-wrote ideas of self. “I want to be useful” was processed more like “be useful.”
Before I make a contrast it is probably best to describe what separates slavespace from subspace. While in subspace you are aware of yourself as a person. You have independent thoughts, desires, and feelings. You have the freedom to say no. You are still a version of yourself. In slavespace things shift in such a way that you no longer see the world in that way. The idea of consent gets twisted: you consented to have no say in future matters. In the moment there likely isn’t enough self present to object. The world appears with a defined purpose and that purpose is to simply comply to her will. Very black and white, there is what she wants, orders, expects, and pleases her and anything else is simply not one of those things. That is the law of the land… the right and wrong… the new morality. If she says, “scrub the floor,” there is no voice resisting that you do not wish to do it, there may be worry that you will do it well, do it quickly enough, and have the time/quality of the work be up to her standards. Is that a sense of self or merely awareness in your existence?
Where my slavespace differs a bit from those descriptions is that I do have awareness of a self. This self feels tiny. It is wired that it will only be acceptable if it behaves perfectly and can meet or exceed her expectations 100% of the time. It readily accepts punishment or corrections because it would rather be “fixed” of its flaws than become undesirable to her and be rejected. It sees punishment as a favor. It wants to be perfect for her.
This self will endure ANYTHING because it wishes to prove the depth of its love and devotion. The idea that something is unpleasant is displaced by the greater fear of being rejected. Failure feels crushing. Punishment is a way of saying “I trust you’ll do better next time.”
I call this my slavespace because it approaches dominance in the same way. It likely is not a “true” slavespace on the inside. The part I am still trying to wrap my head around is the fact that the “inner voice” that exists while I am in this state is from my terrified and vulnerable childhood self. It is the voice of the boy that I buried deep inside of me when the bullying, abuse, and racism reached a point that I could no longer take it. The terror feels just like it did when I was a child.
I can’t seem to find enough information on littles to figure out if this space is a little space. I have no desire to have Transformers bed sheets again or play with toys. I don’t feel youthful or innocent. I feel like a wrecked boy, seeking an authority figure to love that will guide me and protect me from the “bad people” of the world. I will jump through hoops for her, walk through the flames for her, and do anything and everything that I can to earn her approval. I will be her slave.
Has anyone seen anything like this or able to offer me any guidance? This is so damn confusing.