I’ve written a lot about control over the past few weeks. It’s strange when I delve too deeply into this topic because my mind tends to linger in the deepest parts of my submission… which is very much unlike what a sustainable lifestyle dynamic frequently functions as.
My subspace seems to always want to pull me to its deepest levels. These are the levels where my sense of self fades away and I simply wish to exist to be useful and a source of pleasure. This frequently has me thinking and writing from a standpoint of total submission and under strict control. I’m not sure if I write about this side of things because it is more interesting to me. I know that it’s definitely less common to find other people writing about the psychology of deep submission. It always makes me wonder if this is because few people find it interesting or because few people experience feelings like these. I receive just enough comments to believe that there are interested parties but I don’t find enough on this across blogs as a whole to draw any form of conclusion.
One aspect that comes up quite often is that I realize that my deeper levels of submission are not a good fit for a good number of Dommes. In a lot of cases it holds no appeal to them to exert control on this level.
I know that I can exist (and even thrive) under conditions that would squash my sense of self. To have my personality subdued to such an extent where I become a creature that merely loves and endures. This has always existed as part of a balancing act and I understand it quite well. To be an attractive life partner requires the rest of my self to be present at various times. I’d be boring if I couldn’t come up with an interesting or fun idea for what to do, what to eat, where to go, or something to talk about.
It is probably healthier for this balance of deep and shallow subspaces to exist. I have to wonder if the pull to explore the deeper levels are because they are more difficult to reach and they are the level of experiences that I am most starved for. I can say in that state is when my love is the deepest and strongest it can be… and it’s almost all I think about. I also have to wonder if I downplay my more interesting side because it was never really appreciated before I entered D/s.
If anything, I should probably state that I am fully aware of the importance of balancing myself between the deeper and shallower states of my subspace. That being said, my heart still yearns to be completely and utterly dominated.