113. Why isn’t there more writing about the mental aspects of D/s?

Why isn’t there more writing about the mental aspects of D/s?

I find this completely puzzling as there are often carefully crafted relationship dynamics in place with the goal of keeping a sub twisting in deep subspace and a Domme maintaining a heightened Domspace.  I find it fascinating how people manage to keep a sub enduring through hardships that seem better suited for an abused step-child in a fairy tale yet they are in love, emotionally fulfilled, and happy.  I find it fascinating how Dommes turn themselves on and increase their dominant desires by keeping a man under her thumb and finding new ways to suppress, crush, and exploit his ego.

I only know a handful of bloggers that confront these topics head on.  I wish this weren’t the case but I also wonder why.

A theory I received recently in response to some comments left on a blog was that understanding the mental aspects requires thought and that “most” people don’t put the thought in.

Another theory I’ve read is that unless someone is a switch, it’s just too hard for someone to understand what is going on in the other role.

I don’t think this is an easy topic.  I think that a lot of people have trouble sifting through confusing and often conflicting emotions and that articulating it can be a challenge.  Difficult doesn’t mean impossible.  If someone isn’t interested enough to take on the challenge, that I can understand completely.

The “accepting” ideal from BDSM communities tends to stifle this as well.  “Your kink is not my kink” or “I like what I like” actually discourages conversation and attempts at understanding.  I can understand this as an idea for people trying to grow comfortable with deviant interests, but don’t more people get curious as to why they like what they like?  Or also, why they don’t like something else?

I’ve also found people that follow a train of thought that everything we experience is unique so it doesn’t do much good to talk about it.  While it is true that people have specific triggers that act as turn ons or turn offs, think people are more similar than they are different when you get to the core of it.  Pretty much every written account of slavespace I have ever read was pretty damn similar.  When sadistic and controlling Dommes start talking about the symbolism behind an act that turns them on, the way they describe it is pretty damn similar (even when the acts differ completely).

Do people struggle to see beyond the specific act and find the nature of D/s?  Or are people just so bad at separating themselves from a specific kink to where they are unable to describe it adequately?  I don’t know.

As for being unable to understand the opposing role, do we actually have to completely get it in order to find it interesting?  On its most basic levels, triggers are just cause and effect and repeated use of certain activities eventually breeds trends and consistent behaviors.  It is probably a bit easier to read submissive males because well, it’s pretty obvious when something affects them.  If an act fuels their subspace, they get an erection.  If an act deepens their subspace, they will get more shy, docile, and obedient.  Sorting out activities that garner reactions by their “essences” should give a pretty easy road map on how to control a sub’s mental state.

Reading Dommes are a bit more difficult.  Based upon her choices of activities you can see what appeals to her. Finding the essences of those activities should give a good idea of what D/s concepts/principles/ideals speak to her.  The reason why this read is harder is that there are fewer obvious cues to look for.  I can tell when a Domme is thriving in Domspace by her eyes (they look “predatory”) but beyond that, it’s all a crapshoot because the more intense she gets, the better she is at masking her aura and intent.  That is, in many cases the more aroused, empowered, and in control she feels, the more she is able to hide and/or deceive a sub while keeping true intentions hidden.

I do believe that a good number of people within the lifestyle understand the symbolism and ways that it fuels their own space.  I really wish they would talk about it more as I really do enjoy reading and conversing about it.


12 thoughts on “113. Why isn’t there more writing about the mental aspects of D/s?

  1. While the physical side can be a good read, the mental side can turn some pretty crazy stuff into something beautiful. It is so interesting how different actions can bring on similar feelings.

    Perhaps some people are just uncomfortable writing about it??

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for the comments. The mental aspects are so very important as they build the atmosphere that makes everything so intense and intimate.

      Take care.


  2. Interesting post…
    Do you feel all bdsm players actually have this level of thought behind?
    In vanilla relationships would you feel that the participants apply a similar level of presumed thought to the sex acts?
    Perhaps bdsm is seen more in terms of a hobby rather than the way generic partners would approach sex?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the comment, Joe.

      I do not think that all or even most BDSM involved people put this much thought in. I think some do. There is often a disconnect between what is arousing and what is rationally desired, e.g. “I do not like this but I like how it makes me feel.”

      I think with vanilla participants that some people “try harder” to make sex special. Sometimes it’s special occasions or other times just adding spice. I tend to find that women are more likely to instigate the spice as they tend to be more aware of the environmental variables and how they contribute to the intimacy of sex.

      I think quite a few people do treat BDSM as a hobby. Why I classify it as the D/s aspect of BDSM is that this is the subset that bleeds over into day to day life. There are people out there that keep aspects of it going well beyond the bedroom. It takes effort and sacrifice from both parties to do this, but they do it because they find it emotionally fulfilling and pleasing in various ways, many of them mental.

      Take care. I hope these answered your questions.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Thanks for the thoughtful reply.

    Did you ever watch the 2015 movie “Kept Woman” ?

    Wondered if you draw any parallels to D/s relationships, subspace, Stockholm Syndrome and so on.

    If there were analogies there, maybe reading a blog of the participants of a D/s relationship may be rather eerie…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have not seen the movie, Joe.

      The idea of D/s vs. Stockholm Syndrome and the like gets a bit blurry. The most important thing to note is that D/s relationships are consensual. That is the great differentiating point between D/s and situations that would be described as “hen-pecked” or abusive. The intensity level of D/s varies greatly as well, some of which mostly obey a priority structure of needs and expectations while others may go so far as to purposefully press a sub to a state where their sense of self diminishes greatly when in private.

      In its deepest levels of subspace my submission does resemble the mindset of Stockholm Syndrome a bit. The biggest difference is that the woman I submit to was not the one that originally broke me to that psychological state. Past trauma opened up that pathway and D/s is the means of comfortably taking me somewhere that I have already been. When in that state she becomes my entire world and is the source of the laws, sense of morality, and the like. The more expectations she heaps upon me the more I love her and the harder I try to please her. Success is momentary and the quest to earn her approval is a never-ending process.

      That being said, when pressed that deep I feel a sense of inner-calm. I know that if I keep doing my part that she will keep me and love me. I know that if I fail her that she will take measures to help me succeed in the future. The world makes total sense and I feel like I have control of how I will be treated since I have control over my effort, dedication, and perfection of my actions.

      Is this a healthy way to be? Probably not, but it sure beats depression and having neurotic abandonment issues caused by an abusive upbringing. It also allows me to love on a very deep and very intimate level.

      Stockholm Syndrome, the Stanford Prison Experiment, coercive control, learned helplessness, depersonalization, and the like are all psychological ideas that can be utilized in D/s to affect a sub’s mental state. However, without consent it becomes abuse rather than D/s.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Thanks again for the insightful reply. It’s indeed an interesting relationship dynamic, and I suppose might be why there are relatively few D/s practitioners who blog about their deepest thoughts on their lifestyle choices.
        All the best, and keep it up!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you, Joe.

          They are out there but as blogging becomes archaic, more blogs are ending than new ones starting.

          It is more common to see people recount experiences, which I sort of equate to billiards vs geometry. Good billiards players are very good at exercising practical geometry but aren’t necessarily great at explaining it. My equivalent is that I love to think about, talk about, and read about the geometry behind the action, it just isn’t talked about that often.

          Take care.

          Liked by 2 people

  4. OMG OMG OMG! I love this post, fc! I find the ideas you address so fascinating. I really believe that people are more similar than they are different. And the different preferences or behaviours are just external manifestations of a very common core of being human itself. I do love trying to see beyond external behaviours to what motivates those behaviours because that is where I find common themes that allow me to connect deeply to the other. I look forward to more discussions with you!

    *hugs* ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Miriam. It is rather fascinating to see this in people. I did have one response to this on my blogger blog where I was told this was unimportant. I am glad that I am not the only one that finds it interesting.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

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