I have written about this idea a lot in the past on my Blogger blog but I don’t think I have made a post on it while here on WordPress.
I know when it comes to courting in kink-related relationships a lot of people tend to look for kink-overlap as one of the more important factors. While this can be a factor if one person adores an activity that falls into a potential partner’s hard limits and the like, I’ve always found that compatible people tend to find a way to make things work.
I believe at the deepest essence of both dominance and submission that people have a wiring preference that links to their Domspace/subspace in regards to how they go about things. that wiring tends to give people a bias for either giving attention or receiving attention. While nearly everyone has some of each part in them, I believe it is safe to say that there is frequently an idealized preference.
For a dominant, someone that envisions their ideal as a hedonistic lifestyle while they are doted on by a sub that will respond to their every whim. This type of dominant leans to the receiving attention (R) end of the spectrum.
If a dominant most commonly envisions acts such as bondage, spanking/flogging, locking a sub in chastity, and so on, they lean more toward the giving attention (G) end of the spectrum.
Now to make this entirely unromantic by imparting numbers… A perfectly balanced dominant that wishes to give and receive attention equally would be a 50% G / 50% R. Someone that leans to the R side but still enjoys G might be 30% G / 70% R. Similarly, someone who leans to the G side but enjoys R might be 70% G / 30% R.
These numbers will make more sense after this next section.
A submissive that enjoys service, pampering, body worship, and attending to a dominant’s desires will lean to the giving attention side of things (g). A submissive that would prefer to be bound, beaten, used, and the like will lean to the receiving attention side of things (r). You can apply similar percentage balances to the sub’s g vs. r relationship.
When it comes to compatibility:
- G corresponds to r.
- R corresponds to g.
e.g. a 30% G / 70% R dominant will (likely) mesh well from a kink standpoint with a 70% g / 30% r submissive.
Where problems exist in finding people that are a good fit I believe much of it is rooted in that many subs lean rather heavily to r and that there aren’t enough nearly enough dominants (in F/m) that lean that heavy to G.
Granted, I know that personal connection plays a much bigger part in actual compatibility, but I do think this is where a lot of people tend to blame kink-overlap without recognizing that there is just a fundamental misunderstanding between people’s concepts of what being submissive or dominant is. Knowing if you prefer to give attention or receive attention goes a long way in finding someone with complimentary kinks.