117. A Week of Uncertainty

Now is one of the times where D/s would help me out so much by keeping my mind in a better place.

It has been five days since learning my job may be in jeopardy.  It has been three days since we had a lawyer lie to us about wages and labor laws.  There is still no certainty about how things will play out nor whether I will be paid without a lawsuit.

While searching through memories for the source of my job hunting anxiety I remembered some events that happened to me during my senior year of high school and immediately following graduation.  I couldn’t get hired.  I was valedictorian and had solid references from my previous two jobs.  I applied anywhere locally that had help wanted signs and was willing to work for minimum wage.  The town was still lily white.  I even had a job that was lined up through a friend who was told if he was willing to vouch for my work ethic that I was as good as in.  Until I went in and met the person in charge of hiring.  They took one look at me and spent 30 minutes trying to talk me out of the job.  He told me he would call me back.  He never did.  His secretary finally broke me the news three weeks later that I wasn’t getting hired.  She cited that it was because I wasn’t 18 yet… which I might have believed if I hadn’t been 8 months older than my friend.

The summer before I left for college I couldn’t get hired anywhere.  I was now a high school graduate with a diploma and no dice.  I even went to hiring fairs and the like.  When I applied at a convenience store a few miles from my house with a big help wanted sign behind the counter, I filled out the app and returned it to be told “we’re not hiring anymore.”  As a test my (white adopted) mother stopped by there two hours later and asked for an application for her son and if they were still hiring and she was told yes.  That was the last time I had any wonder about why I wasn’t being hired… and it was the last time my mother ever gave me shit about not trying hard enough to find a full time job.

It’s kind of stupid that one of the reasons that I held the same job from age 13 to 18 was because I couldn’t find other work.

I know it’s kind of stupid to be thinking about this 20 years later but faced with the prospect of searching for another job I’m feeling the demons brewing again and the anxiety keeps me feeling like I’m going to vomit for about 12 hours each day.  My psyche still remembers those struggles… being judged for the wrong reasons… an unwinnable battle.  It’s one of the big reasons I stay at a job that is below my abilities.

I’m at the point where I would take bad news just to have certainty.  I would rather know I have to face my demons than wonder if I will have to face them.  The anxiety is the same whether it’s certain or not.  Rationally I know it’s stupid to worry about something I can’t control and hasn’t happened yet.  That doesn’t change the way that my stomach twists and turns with uncertainty.


11 thoughts on “117. A Week of Uncertainty

  1. I’m so sorry to hear this, furcissy….unsettling times, for sure. Try to believe in yourself…no matter what comes, you can handle this. I’ll be thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts. Please take good care, ~ nora

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Nora. We found out today that there is money set aside for our paychecks so it is at least a positive sign that we don’t have to worry about a legal battle just to be paid our wages for now. Food at lunch actually had flavor for the first time in days 😀
      Deep down I know that I should probably look for a better job… but ruts have their own comfort.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I can understand that, we all get in ruts at times…sounds like you might be forced from yours, which down the road may be a positive thing. Good news on the pay checks😊

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you, Nora.

          My job offers me a lot of flexibility. I can work anywhere from 20-60 hours a week (my choice) as long as I am there on 5 different days and what needs to get done gets done. I don’t have a fixed start or end time, there is a time frame when I am usually there and that is about it and if there is work I can take home with me they don’t mind if I do that. I think losing that freedom is what I fear nearly as much as job hunting.

          In my heart of hearts I know that I would be better off pursuing a true career but it is hard with how my emotions are wired.

          Take care.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with all of this. It is definitely a stressful situation! Try to focus on the things that you can do, rather than those that are currently out of your hands. I know it sounds TOTALLY cheesy, but it will all work out in the end! (Coming from a girl who just made a career change a year ago after being fired out of the blue with no warning)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, D.

      I do know that the end game will play out, it’s just hard not to worry about it when things are unclear. I am hoping this all gets settled soon. In the meantime I will just keep plugging away and working on my resume.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Its definitely hard not to worry! Hell, I’ve been rolling with the career change and getting settled into a new job and I’m still worrying half the time – Did I make the right change? Am I going to be successful in this career? Is this the right fit? – Unfortunately, I think its human nature to worry to some extent.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you, D. After the death of my fiancé I just took the first job I could find and stuck it out. I sort of regret taking that route but it was the path I chose.

          I wish you well in your transition, hopefully things will start feeling more comfortable soon.

          Take care.

          Liked by 1 person

        2. Thank you. I will see how things pan out. If things go badly I will be able to collect unemployment while job hunting. If things go well it may be harder. As things are I am in a fairly integral role and would feel bad if I left without having time to completely train someone else on how to do it.

          Take care.

          Liked by 1 person

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