119. Relationship Evolution and Plateaus

This post is a response to a question I was asked about some comments I left. I have written upon these subjects in the past quite a bit on my Blogger blog but I’m going to write about them again.

All relationships change over time because the people involved in the relationships change. In D/s relationships this frequently involves a gradual increase in the intensity of the dynamics as familiarity, trust, and experiences grow. In the beginning everything is new and exciting. After you’ve done it 20 times the “new car smell” is gone and you have a pretty good idea of how things will go and what to expect from actions and reactions in both the physical and emotional realm. At this point things become routine and in most cases, one or both parties will want to bring the excitement back and changes and new activities will be introduced. This can continue almost indefinitely with a few different versions of the “end game” (the end game being when things really can’t be pushed any further).

However, most relationships never reach the end game. Ideally a plateau occurs when the relationship reaches an equilibrium intensity level that is appealing to both parties and readily sustainable with happy feelings abound. Not all plateaus are ideal as they can also occur when one party “hits a wall” in how far they are willing to go. This can be due to a submissive that reaches a limit to the vulnerability they are willing to explore. This can be because a dominant finds their comfort zone where they feel confident and have their needs met and do not wish for more beyond this point. When one party is set on staying put and the other wishes to press onward it puts a lot of strain on the relationship.

Assuming both parties are new to the lifestyle there are some interesting phenomenon that happen quite commonly. The first is that in most cases subs have spent more time fantasizing about D/s than Doms have. This means in the beginning the sub is more likely to desire more than the Dom will be comfortable offering. Assuming the Dominant takes to their role, they frequently experience periods of rapid growth when they finally get confident and comfortable with themselves. This growth will often propel them beyond the sub and in my opinion, this is where things really start to get interesting. Up until that point many of the activities were ones the sub desired. This is the time when the Dom may introduce things that the sub does not desire or enjoy. If the Dom presses the sub through their mental resistance, I believe this is where the submissive mindset fully takes shape and both parties will continue to evolve.

Another interesting factor is that men are more likely to plateau than women. Two factors play heavily into this:

  1. Post-orgasm crashes.
  2. Fetish development.

After an orgasm men will frequently lose their previous emotional state and however they felt beforehand can disappear. If they are dominant, the feelings of Domspace may vanish. If they are submissive, their desire to submit may vanish.

Fetish development is far more common in men as they are more likely to repeatedly masturbate to the same fantasy scenario. If they continue down this path they will likely find a couple of factors that “do it” for them and this may become their end goal. Basically, once a fetish has set in, they will not want to deviate from it and this may be their plateau.


9 thoughts on “119. Relationship Evolution and Plateaus

  1. Thank you for sharing this, furcissy! I will be interested to see how this plays out in my own marriage and D/s dynamic. I can definitely relate to what you wrote about the sub (in this case, me) being the one to desire more in the beginning and that changing as the Dom (my Daddy) comes into his own, growing in confidence. Daddy definitely pushes me past my limits now and makes me try things that I would have never suggested, whereas I tend to want to stay in my comfort zone. Again…thank you! I really appreciate you taking the time to write this out and pass on information to us newbies 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You are very welcome, Nora.

      It is so easy to find “beginner” material out there but so little information when it comes to useful “intermediate” advice. I do my best to contribute on that front since I abhor the generic “whatever works for you” cliches that tend to circulate beyond the basics. Thousands and thousands of people have walked down this path and it seems more useful to pass on what has been learned so that people can know what to expect and avoid pitfalls along the way.

      Feel free to ask me about anything you might be curious of. I haven’t been up for writing lately but questions always manage to inspire me.

      Take care.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Most of your analysis is spot on. However, I think when it comes to the edgier forms of BDSM, especially those that involve a lot of psychology, the plateau and fetish development you describe are often less of an issue. Why? Because when you are consistently pushing the envelope, there seems to be a place where one or both partner need to pause, reset, and evaluate things before continuing to go deeper. This build trust (or breaks it sometimes) and allows for an enriched experience going forward.

    Of course, these are just my experiences – your mileage may vary based on multiple factors including the dynamic, region, dominant, and applicable scene-specific mental stressors which are subject to change. (Not valid in Alaska or Hawaii.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Polthus.

      I’ve actually never experienced the pause, reset, and evaluate portion. What I have garnered over time is that the number of couples that do relish the psychological side are rather few and far between but I would agree that plateaus are less common in those cases, or at least less time is spent in them. These relationships rarely need guidance as those who tread here often have a lot of experience but I have seen cases where things progress faster than the minds can acclimate.

      Another topic I didn’t confront is that of sexual conditioning. In a lot of ways the process of conditioning someone’s sexual response is very similar to fetish development only it is controlled by the outside party rather than the individual. This does actually happen quite frequently with intense psychological D/s, and not always intentionally.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow. This was so on point regarding the evolution in my own journey with domestic discipline – which is now most definitely D/s. and yes, I (the sub) was the one seeking greater and greater submission.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Jennifer.

      It is interesting to see how relationships change over time. Often when it comes to shared accounts we see the present and sometimes it seems rather extreme unless we understand the steps it took to get there. I am glad this writing was able to be accurate to your own experiences.

      Take care.


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