Marginalized

The past couple of weeks I’ve been feeling, for lack of a better description, “dead inside.”  A series of events unfolded on the home front that once again have made my existence feel marginalized and taken for granted.  This has been a recurring theme throughout the course of our relationship and first started happening at about the 5 month mark, almost 11 years ago.  I’m not going to delve into the reasons that I have stayed as I have written about those more than I care to.  And yes, I have communicated my feelings on this topic, which is the only reason that I have something “interesting enough” to write about today.

If I had to put forth a set of dynamics that would exist within my personal ideal fantasy life, a good number of them center around the idea of marginalizing my existence and provided services.  The idea of using “please” and “thank you” actually detract from this and I would prefer them to remain absent.  The idea of being told “good boy” or “good job” does the same.

If I exist to please her, then there are no singular acts that are praise-worthy or deserving of acknowledgment.  The reward is that I justify my existence (and/or avoid consequences).

If I exist to please her and she accepts me, then in the role as her submissive my duty is to please her.  She expects me to please her.  I carry on under these expectations and if I meet them, I am simply performing my promised duty.  Politeness and manners do not apply because we are not equals.  She is my superior.  I am her tool that performs tasks to meet her expectations.

However, there is one important factor that comes into play: appreciation on a macro level.  She appreciates that I exist.  She appreciates that I am hers.  She appreciates that I love and adore her.  That is something that must never be lost or forgotten.

Unfortunately many people in this modern technological era tend to take a lot of things for granted.  In some cases they don’t appreciate them until they are gone.  In other cases they act like they are entitled to them.  This is true about nearly any and every modern convenience I can think of.  Indoor plumbing.  Internet.  Cars.  Air conditioners.  Etc.  Just about any device that exists to make your life easier or provide you with entertainment/convenience is prone to being under-appreciated until it is gone.

Back when we were still actively practicing D/s this topic was a problem.  She would lose sight of my value within the relationship and marginalize me in a bad way.  She would focus upon every way that she found me lacking without ever weighing in on the ways she found me adequate or even pleasing.   This wrecks me.  Badly.  I need to feel like someone would miss me if I was gone.

I appreciate having hot water before the hot water heater breaks down.

My sense of self-worth was decimated when I was a child.  I feel the need to earn my worth.  I need it to matter.  I need to matter.  Once again I find myself aching because of how easy it is to brush my existence to the wayside.  It hurts.

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