134. The Need for Mental Spaces

It has taken quite a while but I’m finally starting to crack the fundamental differences in point of view that has caused me quite a few communication difficulties over the years.

The main difficulty seems to be with the view of submission.

It is very common for me to read the view that submission should be “freely given.” This is often accompanied by views that service should be happy and willing. It is also frequently accompanied by views that service that is goaded in any way is less true or pure.

I get this on some levels. I believe freely given represents consent. No one is forcing you to submit. If you aren’t ready, willing, and able to serve, being a submissive isn’t really the life for you.

What doesn’t sit so well with me is that submissive mental space (subspace), isn’t really considered.

The common stance is that most Dommes do not want a doormat. They want an intelligent and charismatic sub with a good personality, sense of humor, and able to function autonomously. This sub should have opinions, thoughts, preferences, and desires.

The problem I find is the lack of value given to subspace. If a person is willing to defer at any time and bury their thoughts and opinions… doesn’t that make them a doormat?

The way I look at it is that submissives have two sides to their personalities:

  1. 1. Their vanilla self.
  2. 2. Their submissive self.

Their vanilla self is who they are at work, in public, in the presence of strangers or outsiders, and the like. This is where the sub’s standard personality shines through. Are they funny and charming? Are they interesting and intelligent? Are they thoughtful and polite? Are they competent and responsible?

Honestly, to be seen as a decent life partner you generally have to be all of those things and more. How this works in a D/s dynamic is due to their submissive self that exists separate from their vanilla self. This divide is how highly motivated and successful people in the vanilla world end up being submissive behind closed doors. They shift gears. They shift states. They enter subspace. In subspace they have a completely different submissive persona that frequently is completely different from their vanilla self. Their subspace is generally linked to their sexuality and it becomes a need.

This is where the hangups often occur when I have written about it in the past. Some people are able to enter subspace easily. Others require a trigger. There is a misconception that a Domme has to act angry, shouting and cracking a whip for this to occur. This isn’t so much the case. Often it can be a gesture, a ritual, a rule, or a singular act (e.g. kneeling and kissing her hand) that will trigger the switch within the person and shift them from their vanilla self to their submissive self.

Does this mean they are being goaded? Does this make their submission less pure? I don’t think so. Just because someone currently does not feel submissive doesn’t mean that they do not wish to make their Domme happy. But there is a difference. Willing is one thing. Excited is another. If their vanilla self is willing but triggering the switch will lead to them being excited to serve, is that a bad thing?

I know that in my day to day I end up often stressed, overworked, and underappreciated for much of the day. As much as I would like to, I still carry some of that baggage home with me from work. I feel like shit when I can’t be the sub that I want to be. I want that trigger to happen to bring me into a better mental space. I realize that I get defensive on this topic because it triggers my insecurity about feeling lesser. Because of that I have trouble separating if my logic on this subject is true or more defensive. I don’t know. Overall this is just how I see it.


5 thoughts on “134. The Need for Mental Spaces

  1. Thank you for sharing, furcissy! As always, I identify more with what you write and how you explain submission than most others. Sometimes, my submission isn’t given freely…Daddy has to pry it out of me and put me firmly back in that place. And sometimes, it is there even when he is struggling in his dominance that day (just as I struggle in my submission at times). I like what you said about us each having our vanilla self and our submissive self. Learning to navigate between the two has been challenging and will become even more so when I go back to work at the end of the summer. Thank you for sharing this incredibly insightful post! I have no doubt that others feel the same at times.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Nora.

      I have experienced that state of having it pried out as well. It is not like we want to feel not submissive… it just happens sometimes.

      Rituals go a long ways in switching back to subspace. I find it is much easier to leave subspace than it is to return.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think it is unreasonable (and ignorant) to expect submission to flow the same all of the time. Nevertheless, I do remember how horrible it felt when he had to put in more to get me there and, even though it feels a little different, I do not like it when I struggle to reach domspace. But such is life.

    I don’t think it makes one any less submissive or Dominant, it just makes them human.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Ms. Dixie.

      I think what I find bothersome is that some see it better for someone to reluctantly do something and groaning when it could be happy and exciting.

      I don’t know, I just think it could be much happier.

      It also falls upon the sub to help the Domme reach Domspace.

      Take care.


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