138. It made sense upon reflection

A handful of discussions over the past couple of weeks as well as a blog post that got me thinking about my submission and how I have come to understand and explain it over the years.

Submission has become such a large part of who I am, what drives me, how I express love, how I accept love, and how I deal with the inner-workings of myself. There are so many reasons and so many needs and yearnings that it fills that I can’t help but notice just how difference things appear when I explain what submission feels like vs. why I need it, why I submit, and so on.

Often when I write I allow the wave of feelings to overwhelm me and I simply let my heart bleed onto the keyboard, capturing the rush of impulses that warm my heart and focus my soul. The impulses lead to behaviors, habits, and natural inklings that encompass who I am when I love someone.

On the other hand, when I look to the course of my life and trace the paths that brought me here, the end results are cold and clinical. Logic and rational thought lead to outcomes that aren’t poetic or romantic, but functional.

I do _______ because I need to feel ________. I need to feel _______ because _______ happened and screwed me up.

It feels so different from how things feel in the moment that I have to wonder if I am simply making up reasons so that I feel less strange…. less different… less awkward. Are reasons, absent of feelings, accurate reasons? If there is no motive behind the reasons, do they ever dictate actions?

I don’t really know why I’m thinking about this. It isn’t something that I ever really questioned before. A couple of weeks ago during an unrelated conversation with a friend I spoke the words: “You can explain it and find the reasons in it, but the fact that it happened doesn’t make sense.”

At the time, we were actually having a conversation about the failure of restaurants on the side of the metro area that we live in, but I couldn’t help returning to those words when answering the simple question, “why do you submit?”

All of the logical reasoning has helped me find peace in my “vanilla mind” with my choice to live as a submissive… but I definitely have to consider that I just really, really, really love adoring the one that I love and my pursuit of making her ultimately happy makes me happy.

As I spin these words in my head I now remember why I have spent so much time in rational analysis… and that is that the love/happiness angle aren’t good enough reasons for most people to accept. Do I really need to justify myself to others? No, but it does make things easier when people support your decisions because you could give a compelling explanation instead of having them treat you like you got overly drunk and woke up with a stupid tattoo.


20 thoughts on “138. It made sense upon reflection

  1. That last thought made me giggle, furcissy. But, in all seriousness…this is well thought out, as usual, but it seems that you still haven’t answered your question. As someone who has spent more time considering theories and engaging in rational thought than she cares to admit, sometimes I tell myself, that things are the way they are because they are…and leave it at that. Perhaps it does have to do with your past. Perhaps it is just the way you are wired. Perhaps it is because it makes you happy. Perhaps it is all of those things. Perhaps it doesn’t need to be explained? I’m siding with the later, as one of my personal philosophies is self-acceptance. You are you….and you are a wonderful, thoughtful, intelligent person who also happens to be a submissive.

    Okay…maybe I got a little too much sun this morning doing yard work…ultra sappy and soap-boxy this afternoon. Take good care my friend. Love, nora

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Nora.

      I know that I didn’t answer my question as it is something I am still mulling over πŸ™‚

      I believe I am heavily influenced by the strangeness of my kinks and my own desire to have reasons that I can accept as well as willingness to delve into the uglier parts of my memories and soul.

      It is strange how the feelings that resonate in my heart have nothing to do with how my brain interprets it in hindsight. I don’t really know but I believe that answers will slowly surface now that this is floating around in my mind.

      Take care.

      Liked by 2 people

        1. πŸ™‚

          I am still processing the enjoyment at my blushing. I have been told I am an irresistibly easy target in that way but it’s probably more payback for all the nice little suggestions I leave on your blog hehe.

          Liked by 2 people

        2. Blushing is i do when told that we are going to the clothes free beach or the club in NJ after a caning from my girlfriend. As a man who submits on and off and relishes it but isn’t a real total sub I kno it relieves any worries about being greedy in asking for sex because she decides not me. And it relieves me of fear of chaos in my life when she discipline is me. And I am sort of reassured that I can survive pressures of life when I have taken a really severe caning
          wsome of the reasons.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I am also a subscriber (now) to things are how they are because they are…. I spent years questioning, analyzing and trying to explain how my mind works when it comes to submission, but I always found my thoughts would go in circles never really landing on a final definitive reason. Eventually, I ended up asking myself do I need a reason, or do I need to just enjoy it for what it is?
    That being said, this is well written and super relatable!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, D.

      I am able to trace pretty much every trend and event in my life from the age of 3 to 24 that led me to being a submissive. It is strange having it be so clear yet my feelings are so separate from the logic.

      Looking at it now I mostly wonder if those reasons are important in any way. It seems a bit detached similar to how I can put logic to the pain of my depression flare-ups and rationally know that it is a temporary state that will end, but that isn’t enough to feel better while it is happening.

      It is kind of strange.

      I will be thinking about this more.

      Take care.

      Liked by 2 people

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