139. Late Night Thoughts on submission

(I wrote this late last night but my internet went down)

To be honest, I’m not sure how much longer I will be blogging for. The vibe isn’t there anymore. I love to read, write, and discuss ideas, but I don’t feel like my ideas are applicable or representative anymore in today’s environment.

As those who have been long-time readers know, I draw a lot of inspiration from outside sources. Reading other blogs. Discussion groups and forums. Random things. Comments. Emails. I’ve honestly been spending more time reading on WordPress than on Blogger lately as it’s just more active. I’ve also been reading a lot more F/m blogs and interacting with dominants and submissives of both genders in the past couple of months.

There are a number of recurring views that keep surfacing and they continue to throw me for a loop. Mostly because they feel very incomplete… or inaccurate… or both… or like a hybrid mish-mash of ideas out there. When it comes to Femdom there have always sort of been two roads to travel. The more common one when I was getting started was the consensual BDSM route and that path had the potential to evolve into 24/7 lifestyle D/s, TPE, and the like in its most extreme forms. The other path was what I see as the predecessor to the “current” use of the term FLR, namely from authors such as Elise Sutton, Georgeann Cross, Lady Misato, and the like (back when I first discovered this side of things the term FLR wasn’t yet in use). For ease, I will refer to them as the BDSM path and the FLR path.

These schools of thought are quite different on a fundamental level. The BDSM path was focused on consent, informed decision-making, mutual pleasure, compatible fits, respecting negotiated limits, and the like. While things could and frequently would evolve into a much more intense state of D/s, this was known to be in the minority of Femdom relationships.

The FLR path was originally targeted at vanilla women. It frequently talked about using sexual control and manipulation techniques to “enslave” a male, correct and modify his behavior, “train” him to perform chores and service, and so on, without him even knowing it. Find out his secret desires and exploit them. Make him addicted to her and she can continuously dangle the carrot and steer him however she pleases. Do this long enough and he may be reduced to a life of servitude.

If you go back 10+ years, the BDSM crowd found this approach rather appalling. However, there has always been a shortage of available Dommes to single subs and the FLR approach was a much much much easier “sell” to a vanilla partner. If you have a vivid imagination you can probably picture Billy Mays shouting on an infomercial “Take control! He’ll mow the lawn! He’ll do the laundry! He’ll pee sitting down! With just three easy steps you’ll have him wrapped around your little finger and going down on you for hours on end!”

In a lot of ways this solved the confidence problem. It removed the notion of “I have to be a leather-clad dominatrix” and replaced it with “I do what I want.” I don’t see anything wrong with this. I think in a lot of ways that is how Femdom should be. It’s really weird though because it feels like the worlds have merged but not in a clean way. The BDSM-path was always very big upon responsibility, looking out for a sub’s well-being, and the like. There was an understanding of the sub’s cycles, when aftercare was necessary, and their conflicting emotional states that would regularly arise. What I am gathering now is a trend in thinking of “a sub shouldn’t need that.” That turns my world upside down.

I would probably be able to groove with it more easily if not for the fact that most Femdom blogs I read that allude to this tend to be unhappy. In the not unhappy cases, when I read them I can picture Billy Mays shouting the words at me. All in all I tend to struggle to differentiate between “a sub shouldn’t need that” and “I don’t want to have to do that.”

This leads me to the second half. Interacting with a number of subs lately I am finding a striking number of subs that claim to be submissive all the time. I’m like, wow, really? Back in the day they used to call those people doormats. It doesn’t take long to realize after hearing them complain and talk about the things that they hate, all the limits that they have, how inflexible they are on certain things, and so on, that they aren’t submissive all the time, they have just convinced themselves of that. Cue Billy Mays. I even find this happening a lot from brand new subs that discovered the lifestyle two weeks ago. “I don’t need to learn anything because I love to please.” Problem solved, guaranteed success. Yes, I’m vomiting sarcasm right now as I try to picture someone actually being submissive all the time. There are people that are neat freaks, those that like to stay busy, those that like to be helpful, useful, pleasing, and so on, but I don’t equate those qualities as being submissive. To me, submissive means that you submit to the will of another. That is, you disempower yourself and allow someone else to hold power over you.

I am an opinionated son of a bitch. I rant and rave. I am passionate about a hell of a lot of things. I fight for what I believe in. I make sure to learn enough about something before trying to argue for (or against) it. I am fine stating it outright, I am not submissive all the time. I do not submit to just anyone. I believe my submission has value. When I submit I offer all of myself. I only submit to someone that is special and dear to my heart, that I trust, respect, and love deeply.

The twist comes in that this creates a dual persona. I have the version of myself that I show to the world, lean on in times of crisis, use for problem solving, and dealing with humanity in general. Then there is my submissive side: romantic, passionate, vulnerable, sensitive, devoted, and sincere. I guard this side of myself from the world. I show it only to someone that is very special to me.

The problem with duality is that it is one or the other. I am my alpha self OR I am my submissive self. While my alpha self may still exert politeness, courtesy, and manners, there is a distinct difference between choosing to do something and NEEDING to do something. To feel submissive is a need of mine. If it wasn’t a need I would have abandoned it long ago because life is a lot more difficult this way. I consider my submissive side to be the best parts of me. While my alpha side may reluctantly go along with something, my submissive side is excited and eager to do the same thing.

It is a binary switch that is set to either alpha or sub.

For years I felt this was the common way about most male subs. We have one face we show in public and the submissive face we save for behind closed doors. One of the major flaws of this design is that the sub can’t always control where the switch is set. While it’s possible to pop into alpha mode as needed, it isn’t always as easy to switch back into sub mode. Thankfully, dominance tends to work quite well for flipping the switch to sub mode. I always sort of felt that most people saw things this way.

I don’t know. If not for a handful of people that have continued to dialog with me on these views I would probably feel like a stranger in a strange land.

Wanna buy some Mighty Putty?


30 thoughts on “139. Late Night Thoughts on submission

  1. One more thought/question…. 24/7 submissives as doormats? I do understand the point you were making about how many claim to be, but have so many limits, etc., that they are not truly submitting to the will of another…but are you saying that submitting to your partner 24/7 is not something positive to strive for?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Nora.

      Imagine a few of these things:
      Q: What do you want to eat?
      A: Whatever Mistress/Sir wants to eat.
      Q: What movie do you want to see?
      A: Whatever movie Mistress/Sir wants to see.
      Q: Where do you want to go today?
      A: Wherever Mistress/Sir wants to go.

      If people either have no opinion or choose to suppress an opinion it gets boring quickly.

      A: I want to eat at ________, they have really good ________.
      A: I want to see ________, because ________ directed it and I like their other movies.
      A: I would like to go to ________, because I would like to take in the sights and sounds with you.

      The second set of answers tends to be more appealing from a life partner standpoint πŸ™‚

      Accepting that the decision is not up to you is where submission comes into play. In regards to the D/s interplay, dominance (or its absence) can change the mood from a reluctant sub to a pleasing one. The belief that doesn’t sit well with me is one where the sub shouldn’t feel reluctant or should do it anyways regardless of what mode they are in.

      Does that make sense?

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I will be honest…I don’t totally understand the point you are trying to make in the last paragraph…could you elaborate more on what you mean by, “The belief that doesn’t sit well with me is one where the sub shouldn’t feel reluctant or should do it anyways regardless of what mode they are in”….sorry I’m slow this morning, perhaps I need a second cup of coffee πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I have come across two blogs in the past two weeks that included statements that didn’t sit well with me. The first stated that if a sub needs to feel submissive to serve that the service is inauthentic and worth “less” than genuine desire to serve regardless of how they feel.

          The second was from a Domme blogger that continues to talk about how the sub pool is lacking and believes that a sub shouldn’t need to feel submissive to be submissive. When I inquired they stated that it is not the Domme’s responsibility to give the sub “warm and fuzzy feelings” in order to serve.

          I read these views as the expectation of submission in the absence of dominance. The first person did dialogue with me a bit and did state she would rather have her sub make her a cup of coffee and serve it to her even if he was huffy and didn’t feel like doing it than lean on dynamics and put him into submissive mental space (where he would be eager to get the coffee).

          These just don’t sit well with me because… we are talking about long-term relationships where people want to be, you know, happy.

          You know from experience that it only takes one look, word, or gesture for your husband to put you into a submissive mental space and absolutely melt through the floor. When that happens everything seems right and good. I guess I just see that process as being part of a functional and mutually fulfilling relationship. With how little work it requires, why are people getting so strongly opposed to it?

          Liked by 2 people

        2. I agree that, at least for me, to be satisfied in a long-term D/s relationship, submission cannot exist without dominance. We both must contribute, just as in a vanilla relationship, for the relationship to work. While I strive to be submissive, even when Daddy is not actively dominating me in the moment (though one could argue just his mere presence is a dominating factor), if he suddenly stopped dominating me at all, I don’t feel that my submission would necessary continue. Is this bad? Does this make me not a true submissive? Does this make it some sort of game and not a commitment? I surely don’t have the answers, but my first thought is that my submission is my own (and Daddy’s) and it will be what we want it to be. If other people are opposed to that…well, as the saying goes, “Don’t let the door hit you in the ass!” πŸ™‚

          Liked by 2 people

        3. I agree with you completely, Nora. I am finding there is very little understanding or desire to understand how subs work. Hell, this even happens by subs who claim they are submissive all the time.

          A discussion with someone else did yield that they think it is backlash from male sub wankers or people who just don’t have their shit together. Do you need to feel submissive to take the garbage out? No, we are adults. Does feeling submissive go a long ways to make taking the garbage out fun when we had an awful day? Hell yes.

          I don’t become someone’s maid/butler and suppress desires because I want to be a maid/butler. I don’t become a butler and suppress desires purely out of love, there are vanilla relationships that do not require it. I do it because I want a certain feeling set. It feels weird to read people saying that is stupid or inauthentic… but then they wonder why they struggle finding compatible subs.

          It’s just so weird.

          Liked by 3 people

        4. For every action their is an opposite and equal action. (Newton’s laws of physics) Kind of works with relationships. If there is no action it is hard to react. The relationship becomes lively when you both play off each other’s actions.

          Liked by 3 people

      2. I get what you’re saying and it would be virtually impossible to be submissive 100% of the time (think bell curves)
        I do agree with the concept that giving up control to someone is powerful. There is a choice there. If my wife asks what movie I want to see, she is looking for my opinion. We still may not watch that one, but it was considered. If I watch what she wants I am submitting to her decision / control – by choice.

        Liked by 3 people

        1. Thank you. I agree.

          What makes it so baffling to me is that it’s like they want personality but also want no personality… and I don’t believe that exists in most cases. A personality that can be suppressed or over-ruled makes a lot more sense, but then when such negative statements are made about the “need” for the suppression or over-ruling to happen, I just can’t wrap my head around the basis for their opinions.

          I very much appreciate comments like these as they remind me that I’m not crazy.

          Take care.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. LOL…to each their own, I say! Each person conceptualizes their experiences differently. I think what you are getting at is that it is freaking annoying when they start giving their opinions as the ultimate truth and that it must work this way for everyone. Hogwash! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Nora.

      I don’t think they would claim that it is supposed to work for everyone but I do think it is dangerous to rigidly adhere to a principle that isn’t working. It is also difficult with fewer active bloggers, this is the view that gets prominently displayed and will impact the next generation entering the lifestyle. Scary stuff.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I really enjoyed reading your post and the comments.

    I feel like anything I add would be redundant, and you already know my opinion anyway. However, I will say that this is all the more reason to keep blogging! There needs to be good content out there to counteract all the nonsense. So, if you think about it, you could actually hurt the future of D/s by not blogging. πŸ˜‰ *nudge, nudge*

    Liked by 2 people

  4. This was an interesting post…and the followup comments clarified things that you wrote. I’ve noticed that even D/s relationships that have longevity still have those moments of “checkpoints” where each person in the relationship is feeling out the other’s acceptance of where it is going. No dominant is always dominant, and no submissive is always…submissive. If they want to sustain the relationship, they ocassionally check in on the other.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Dave.

      I agree with you. It seems most of these beliefs have popped up more recently and it is a bit disturbing at how fast they are gaining momentum.

      Take care.


  5. Very well written. There are always two sides to a coin and being a sub is no different. We each have two sides. I do not see a problem with it. As a dominant I also show two sides. I cannot be dominant 24/7… Lol. I enjoy just chillin and doing vanilla stuff with my slave as well. But there is always an unspoken understanding that whatever we do be it serving or the shopping that he does it for me. I think you have hit the nail on the head.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much. That unspoken understanding is very important. Learning that lesson as a sub tends to happen early on and remains important forever.

      One of the aspects of dominants showing two sides is the knowledge that in β€œvanilla mode,” the dominant mode may activate at any time, sometimes without warning πŸ™‚

      Take care and thank you for writing.


  6. β€œThe BDSM-path was always very big upon responsibility, looking out for a sub’s well-being, and the like. There was an understanding of the sub’s cycles, when aftercare was necessary, and their conflicting emotional states that would regularly arise. What I am gathering now is a trend in thinking of β€œa sub shouldn’t need that.” That turns my world upside down.”
    – This makes me sad. As MB would say, there are lots of selfish pricks in the world and most of them in positions of power. Hehe.
    – To me this highlights an attitude of entitlement; as in the Domme deserves all these benefits without doing her part/role.

    Liked by 1 person

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