A handful of recent conversations I have had with subs leads me to believe there is a bit of misunderstanding when it comes to lifestyle D/s involving sadists. There seems to be a bit of a notion that they can easily cast aside feelings and inflict unbearable levels of pain and suffering upon a sub.
Don’t get me wrong, you will find predatory sadistic dominants that are narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, and the like, but the majority of sadists are well-rounded and caring people. What separates them from others is that they have dominant impulses and desires that affect them in the same way that submissive impulses and desires affect subs.
A lot of times when people are frustrated that a dominant doesn’t have enough of those impulses, a sadist is probably a better fit. There just frequently seems to be some sort of mental block that keeps them from seriously considering this option. I find this to be strange.
I often theorize that everyone has a certain percentage of “giver” and certain percentage of “receiver” wired into their kink. A sub’s giving side is the service side of their submission while their receiving side is the one that wants play, punishment, and the like. A dominant’s giving side is the side that wants to play and inflict pain/anguish, while their receiving side is the one that wants to be pampered, serviced, and doted on.
For any sub that leans more heavily to the receiving side, a sadist is the natural complimentary fit.
So where then does the apprehension fall? Just because someone is a sadist doesn’t mean they don’t have a conscience. Most of them emphasize consent because they DO feel guilty for what they want and what they do. They need to know what they are doing is okay in order to feel okay about doing it. I believe it is safe to say that most sadists have spent some time agonizing over this and it may have taken them years to feel fine about enjoying themselves.
If a sadist decides to inflict cruelty, it doesn’t mean they don’t value the sub. In fact, it probably means they value them even more. A general trend with sadists is that if you tell them, “I will suffer for you,” that is actually quite romantic and endearing for them. You make them feel like the way that they are is perfectly fine. By choosing them, you are their willing victim and they place tremendous value upon that.
I don’t know why I feel a need to write all of this out. I guess I just feel like I have encountered a couple of people that have the impression that sadists are hateful people… when most of them want to love very deeply… just like the rest of us.