185. Thoughts on Loving Sadists

A handful of recent conversations I have had with subs leads me to believe there is a bit of misunderstanding when it comes to lifestyle D/s involving sadists.  There seems to be a bit of a notion that they can easily cast aside feelings and inflict unbearable levels of pain and suffering upon a sub.

Don’t get me wrong, you will find predatory sadistic dominants that are narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, and the like, but the majority of sadists are well-rounded and caring people.  What separates them from others is that they have dominant impulses and desires that affect them in the same way that submissive impulses and desires affect subs.

A lot of times when people are frustrated that a dominant doesn’t have enough of those impulses, a sadist is probably a better fit.  There just frequently seems to be some sort of mental block that keeps them from seriously considering this option.  I find this to be strange.

I often theorize that everyone has a certain percentage of “giver” and certain percentage of “receiver” wired into their kink.  A sub’s giving side is the service side of their submission while their receiving side is the one that wants play, punishment, and the like.  A dominant’s giving side is the side that wants to play and inflict pain/anguish, while their receiving side is the one that wants to be pampered, serviced, and doted on.

For any sub that leans more heavily to the receiving side, a sadist is the natural complimentary fit.

So where then does the apprehension fall?  Just because someone is a sadist doesn’t mean they don’t have a conscience.  Most of them emphasize consent because they DO feel guilty for what they want and what they do.  They need to know what they are doing is okay in order to feel okay about doing it.  I believe it is safe to say that most sadists have spent some time agonizing over this and it may have taken them years to feel fine about enjoying themselves.

If a sadist decides to inflict cruelty, it doesn’t mean they don’t value the sub.  In fact, it probably means they value them even more.  A general trend with sadists is that if you tell them, “I will suffer for you,” that is actually quite romantic and endearing for them.  You make them feel like the way that they are is perfectly fine.  By choosing them, you are their willing victim and they place tremendous value upon that.

I don’t know why I feel a need to write all of this out.  I guess I just feel like I have encountered a couple of people that have the impression that sadists are hateful people… when most of them want to love very deeply… just like the rest of us.

48 thoughts on “185. Thoughts on Loving Sadists

  1. It is easy to get hung up on words. I definitely had a problem with “sadist,” and on occasion that same kind of unease still shows up.

    It is beautiful though, when a submissive gives their mind and body over to someone, especially when it is certain they will endure some unpleasant things. Powerful stuff.

    Liked by 4 people

        1. But only -some- pain, and not all pain is created equal, and I can’t stand much at all…so am I really a masochist? Or does my body just react so strongly to him that anything he does–pain or pleasure–creates an equal response?

          Liked by 1 person

        2. It depends. Do you respond to the environment of being vulnerable and punished? If yes, then you are likely an emotional masochist. The response to humiliation supports this.

          If it is only from the pain, then possible a little bit masochist. Not all masochists chase the same level of intensity. Some do it purely from the physical response and ignore the mental, e.g. pain sluts.

          Liked by 1 person

        3. Never really thought about it. I may. He always teases (again humiliating me) about how I react to punishments, even before they begin. But they always start with me being completely nude and exposed, which is embarrassing (I am not an exhibitionist by any means!). One of the reasons I love bondage so much is that I enjoy being vulnerable to him. So…maybe? I don’t cope well with pain at all, even though I can take a decent spanking. Usually.

          Liked by 2 people

        4. I don’t like pain, but there are a few things Fiancé does that my body reacts to. Like, spamming my V. I hate it, it -hurts-, but I also become very very wet. (I keep saying it’s self-defense. He doesn’t believe it.)

          Liked by 2 people

        5. If you are willing to commit to a righty or lefty posture. The smile is vertical 🙂

          And you’re supposed to be like, “Beatrice says she is leaking out of self-defense.” He’s all like, “Uhh…” Then you have to make a cool face with jazz hands and go, “I’m the vagina whisperer!”

          (this was joke number #2. My #1 impulse was a hand-puppet joke that was probably going a little too far)

          Liked by 2 people

        6. Ha. Have to get the google eyes first. But, pictures are only posted at his discretion when I have been “super slutty” and crossed a line whose location I don’t know. And only on Fet (as of now.) So it isn’t likely you’ll get any proof.

          Liked by 2 people

  2. Precisely. I do not fear sadists because I feel they lack compassion or are cruel people, I have had many engaging discussions with sadists and found them to be warm and empathetic people. I fear sadists for the simple reason that I fear pain.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That is very sound logic.

      At times I enjoy the feeling of being batted around like a cat’s toy or dancing like a puppet to their manipulations. Sadists are great for that. I also sometimes just need a hug and thankfully they can provide that too.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Lifestyle Dominants who have the ‘mental block’ are possibly wary of changing the equilibrium of the relationship they’ve become accustomed to. The ‘pros’ can quickly switch into their sadistic game mode and then have a drink with their victims at the end of the session.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have found it is also more common with newer Dommes to be afraid of pushing too far and haven’t had extensive experiences that let them know it is working for both parties. That equilibrium does come into play as well when dynamics are adopted in an existing relationship. I have only met one (former) pro before, but that is an interesting observation.

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      1. There are some who ‘go pro’ occasionally because they can go deeper into bdsm than their lifestyle arrangements allow. The normative forces of the relationship reinforce the ‘mental block’. I hear bar talk like ‘I really wanted to stay up all night and do a heavy session with him but I had to get up early and go to work’, etc.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Very intriguing, furcissy! It got me thinking…I enjoy a light spanking….the warmth, the impact, the feelings of vulnerability. I hate a hard spanking…and am a bit fearful of them. However, my body usually becomes sexually reactive. Am I a masochist? I have never really pondered this before… curious as to your thoughts 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are either a masochist or a spanking fetishist. Or both.

      If your body reacts more to the hard spanking, I would wager both but most likely a masochist.

      When I respond to spankings it is the shame, helplessness, humiliation, etc., and not the pain.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Hitting you harder doesn’t increase his dominance though…
          It will be difficult to diagnose the boundaries of the line with this because you have a spanking fetish.

          How do you react to clamps/clothes pins?

          Liked by 1 person

        2. This will be something to figure out. Clamps and clothes pins. Wax. Heating gels/Icy hot, Ice. Trying ginger on something other than your rear.

          You will likely reach a point where conscious thought is gone and you flat out exist in the moment with the pain throbbing. If that gets you wet, you are a masochist 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

        3. Time will tell 🙂
          Now that you are more in tune with the symbolic/event interplay, it may be something to watch for.
          A clothes pin or two might go a long way to revealing the truth 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

        4. They are. I know first hand from experience.
          The amount of pain varies by type and material and there are even different sprint tensions.

          And hating the idea of it… makes the submissive mental space even stronger as the anticipation builds.

          Liked by 1 person

  5. I believe the confusion here also may be that perhaps submissives, or masochists (I myself am one) do not “go” for people who identify as “sadists” because they believe the other parts of the lifestyle will be missing. Those things subs and slaves and littles crave, such as rules, regulations, schedules, aftercare…it seems to be that they believe those things, especially aftercare, will be missing and do not want to enter that kind of a dynamic. As if Sadists are either in torture mode or not, and there are no other sides or function for them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much for sharing your input. I think you summarized in one paragraph nearly all of what I was trying to communicate in this post. The other aspect beyond aftercare/rules/etc. is the love/romance of the relationship.

      This post was actually inspired by a submissive woman that seemed to think that dominant women were almost all completely harsh, cruel, and bordering on abusive the majority of the time with most of the caring side being absent. I know that they no longer feel this way, but it was enough to get me thinking about it enough to write on it.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am glad it did get you thinking! It’s an important distinction that I never would have made or thought about without your blog post to get the wheels turning. As a Domme I am very sadistic and prefer emotional and physical sadism to other forms of scenes or worship. As a sub, my highest form of affection is to just allow someone to hurt me, put me in that deep, helpless subspace… I have much to think about here that you have sparked. Thank you, friend!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you. I’m very happy that you found it and were able to share your thoughts with me. I love discussing these types of topics with people, especially when they have views that help to open up my scope on things.

          It sounds like you enjoy expressing dominance and control in an active way. That is also a style that is getting rarer and rarer these days compared to say, 5 years ago.

          When you offer your submission in that way, do you find that your mind sees it as a deep offering? e.g. “I am giving you me.” I’m trying to picture it and wanted to make sure I understand.

          Take care.

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        2. Yes, exactly. When I submit I see it as a deeply spiritual and emotional commitment, even if I am only having a scene with a trusted Dominant friend. It is the same if someone meets my little. My Slave and my little are my heart and soul, my Domme is a way to blow off steam and flex psyhic ability (up for debate, depending on your beliefs there) and my “dominant” vanilla life is more out of necessity. Eat or be eaten, in this world. So any softness I have fought hard to maintain and protect. “I am giving you me,” is exactly the deep offered mindset. Thank you 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

        3. Thank you. I have similar feelings about the commitment. I want to feel them consume me.

          I do not discount the existence of psychic abilities, especially when it comes to amplifying spiritual bonds. The most confident and genuinely self-assured women I have known in my life all had perceptions that were well beyond what most humans are capable of (and they were all aware of this). I find it rather awesome.

          My dominant vanilla persona was crafted for exactly the same reasons. I find it a useful tool to have in the box, but I wish it hadn’t eroded me away for so long.

          I am glad that I was able to interpret your offering correctly. My submissive mental space is triggered a bit differently in that I pine for a response… like “I accept your offering and choose to enslave it.” Things that provide symbolism of her possession… push me the deepest.

          Take care.

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  6. “A general trend with sadists is that if you tell them, “I will suffer for you,” that is actually quite romantic and endearing for them. You make them feel like the way that they are is perfectly fine. By choosing them, you are their willing victim and they place tremendous value upon that.”
    – Hmmm I can relate to this. This is a major domspace trigger for Daddy. I see his eyes go tender and glimmer with evil at the same time! Lol.

    ❤ *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

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