Thoughts on Expectations in D/s

So much of D/s involves transitioning your submissive self away from the internal submissive desires (what will you do to me?) to external focuses (what can I do for you?).  This often serves as the balancing act, preventing you from treading into the dangerous realm of “do me sub” or “wanker” labels and turning your attention to the practical and beneficial aspects of lifestyle submission.  It is viewed as a positive to be eager with your service rather than ache for your desires.

I read a question today that someone uses as their “check mechanism” for their submissive mindset (credit to Toraprincess).  The question was, and I may not be quoting it exactly, was, “are you looking to submit or are you wanting to be dominated?”  This is another important mindset when looking at D/s as a lifestyle.  What you want to offer freely is seen as far more valuable than what you wish to be taken.

I do not think it is a bad thing for the bulk of our mental training to be focused upon what we want to give and how we want to please someone else.  This approach is very pleasing to dominants and it keeps a submissive self focused and centered in a realistic and positive way.  When I advise newer subs, this is the path I steer them down.

Sometimes I get so focused on these mindsets that they are all I really see.  During these times I get ashamed of my other desires… the ones that don’t directly benefit her.  I can tell that I am in a more balanced state now because I don’t need a jarring wake-up call to remind me of something.  Often, it will take a blog or comments from an author such as Lady Grey or others that remind me of the other side.  A lot of dominants have their own set of needs and desires.

There are dominants that want to take.  They will take what is given freely and then some.  The idea fuels them.  They don’t want to be fed, they want to hunt.  There are dominants that want to do anything and everything to you.  They thrive on inflicting every sexual and sensual torture they can think of.  The power fuels them.  They want to make demands and expect you to meet them.  They say, “jump.”  You ask, “how high?”  They respond, “six inches higher than you are able to,” and then watch as your brain processes the inevitability of planned failure.  You still have to jump, just to show them that you tried and experience the inevitable.

This is something to remember.  There are times when they want to hunt.  But we should be wary of our desire to be hunted.

NOTE:  Reworded the last sentence at 6:07pm CST on 10/22/17


14 thoughts on “Thoughts on Expectations in D/s

  1. “This is something to remember. There are times when they want to hunt. But we should never desire to be hunted.”

    I can’t agree with this statement. There is nothing wrong with subs having their wants and needs, and seeking a Dominant whose wants and needs align.
    While I do not consider myself a “do me” sub…but I still have needs and wants that are just as important as my Dominant’s. I want to serve him and keep him happy, but I also have to have my needs met and my wants respected, or it’s a one-way relationship. I’ve had plenty of those, which all left me feeling undervalued, inferior, and unappreciated. I won’t ever be made to feel that way again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I wrote it “in the moment” of a feeling set but reading it now and I don’t agree with how I put it out there either.

      I have since changed the wording from “never” to “we should be wary of our desire”, which softens the statement quite a bit.

      Without both people’s needs being met, things aren’t happy. I was thinking more from my conditioned state of mind than how I actually feel in an objective sense.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “There are times when they want to hunt. But we should never desire to be hunted.”

    Ooo good way to put it. You’ve really nailed it by emphasising the struggle between wanting to submit (serve) and wanting to be Dominated. Thank you for the insight!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. “What you want to offer freely is seen as far more valuable than what you wish to be taken.“ I will remember this! My perception is changing. I used to think in order to be submissive it had “come from him”, he should be ordering me to do this or that. I’m learning to go internal with my submission. It’s not always easy but I really like what you said about that being more valuable!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, SG. After reading through this again I am realizing how much I should have clarified with it. This was more of a post about coping and adjusting expectations but it wasn’t really worded that way. A lot of it are the perceptions and how to work within them and temper self control

      Liked by 1 person

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