201. My Ultimate Cognitive Dissonance: Chastity

Since I have been writing a lot about triggers and cognitive dissonance lately, I thought it would be appropriate for me to share.  Chastity creates the largest type of internal conflict within me out of probably anything within the lifestyle.

Since I know that I have a lot of female readers, it is difficult to adequately describe in an empathetic way just how a chastity device affects a male.  A chastity device doesn’t prevent you from getting horny, it prevents you from getting fully erect.  The male body will still TRY to get erect.  Any “wiggle room” in the tube will be filled.  Any part of the blood vessels that cause the penis to go erect that are impeded will become erect.  E.g. if it is a trapped ball cage device, the base of the penis that sits behind the ring will get fully erect, but the pleasure zones within the cage will not.  That being said, the cage itself provides pressure on the “good spots,” and attempted erections will cause the penis to produce pre-cum.  This is the cause for dribbling and drippage that is commonly referenced to in lifestyle chastity.

What this does is actually make a male acutely aware of his erection attempts.  It builds sexual frustration exponentially because your body WANTS it, but is denied.  The erection attempt will often last for a prolonged period of time, which still redirects blood flow from the brain as it would during a normal erection.  Basically, a chastity device does not reduce sexual desire, if anything, it builds it.

Over time, this creates a progressive state of desperation and a “five stages of grief” type of emotional scenario: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.  Since it is healthy for the prostate to be emptied regularly in order to avoid toxin buildup, there exist milking techniques designed to relieve the male of retained semen with or without a pleasurable orgasmic ejaculation.  When performed without pleasure, the prostate is drained but the sexual frustration is not alleviated.

About the closest thing that I could ever envision for a parallel to a woman is the idea of a device that blocks the clitoris from fully expanding.  When the clitoris attempts to expand it would press against a firm surface, causing pressure and friction to keep it in a semi-aroused state.  This then would continue with an orgasm being impossible without the device being removed.  Such a device doesn’t exist.

How is this attractive in the slightest?  That depends heavily upon if you are the one in the device or the one holding the key to the device.

To answer any question about this outright, it is part of my belief in D/s that when I submit, I trust her enough to give her control of my sexual organ.  It is hers to control and while I have my desires, I trust that she will make decisions about my release and relief that are for the good of the relationship.

Herein lies my terror.  This is where my brain breaks down completely.  This is where my submissive self, my idealized submissive self, and my rational self end up in a battle royale.  No one wins, nor does winning have any bearing on the outcome (which is hers).

If I truly believe that my purpose is to be absolutely pleasing to her, it is easy to know what path is righteous.  This is the goal of my submissive heart.  This is my idealized submissive self that I want to actualize.  To become this submissive, how often should I orgasm?  The answer is easy.  Never.

When a male has an orgasm, two things happen:  1) there is a brief period where his body acts on pure selfish instinct and 2) he falls out of mental space.  The reload time of achieving submissive mental space varies greatly from person to person and there are means to set it back in motion very quickly, but it doesn’t change the fact that it requires a build up to reach the same attentiveness that it was at just minutes before the orgasm.  It also doesn’t change the fact that for a few brief moments, I stopped thinking about her.  I wanted it for me.  It felt good.  It was all about me.  I find this notion to be extremely unromantic and I feel guilty in its presence.  It means that I violated my own principles.

Cue the struggles.  Yes, I just said the best way to manage me as a sub is to have me orgasm, NEVER.  Deep breath.  The fact that I know this makes me feel like withholding this knowledge is the same as lying.

Some people use chastity release as a carrot: be well-behaved, be obedient, and provide excellent service for a period of time and you will earn release and an orgasm.  This is a sound theory, but unnecessary in my idealized form of submission.  Why should I need any type of external motivation to be well-behaved, obedient, or to serve well?  I should do those things on my own if I am to be worthy of her.   Why should there be a need for any type of reward for me to perform the role I chose at the level that I promised I would?

This doesn’t mean that sex should be absent.  There are women that really enjoy PIV (penis in vagina) sex.  If she enjoys PIV sex, I would not wish to deny her that pleasure.  We can have sex, I just shouldn’t have an orgasm.  I should build enough endurance to last until she is totally satisfied and then we stop.  My brain is screaming at me right now.  “No, no, no, what are you saying?!  Don’t put this out there or it might happen.”

Setting the tone from the start that I will never have an orgasm reduces the need for complex rules and stipulations.  It alleviates me of unrealistic desires.  It solidifies the concept that I should worry only about her pleasure.  It pounds the idea into my head that I should never bother to hope or ask for an orgasm.  This will cut down on me being annoying and desperate.  I will be desperate in silence.

I like orgasms.  I love having erections.  Giving her the power to take them away terrifies me.  I also know that it is the right thing to do if I truly want to submit to her from the bottom of my heart.

40 thoughts on “201. My Ultimate Cognitive Dissonance: Chastity

  1. The whole concept is really interesting and I don’t know why but the thought of it turns me on somewhat. I understand what you are saying about not orgasming but don’t you also owe it as a submissive to be allowing her to control you enough to make you lose control, even of your own submission? Perhaps it is that, the sacrifice of your chastity at a time and place of her choosing, which is the ultimate submissive act?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Missy.

      The control symbolism and romantic sacrificing undertones can make chastity alluring to many. It does have a number of practical aspects that don’t have quite an idealized state.

      I do agree with you that it is completely her right to make me climax if she wants to. Unfortunately from my experiences, the women who find this type of situation attractive seem to prefer the idea of denial, ruined orgasms, and the like. While there may be the occasional true O, the subs learn not to ask, expect, or imply that they should have one 🙂

      I will say that your second question is a completely unique perspective that I have never even thought of before. Very intriguing.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You know that I’m not a huge fan of “never” because I like having options, but this is actually appealing. I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship where the male NEVER has a pleasurable orgasm… I definitely love the control… and I think it is incredibly romantic to have a sub endure that way… I’m finding it hard to come up with reasons why it would not be a good idea…

    Liked by 2 people

  3. “Giving her the power to take them away terrifies me.”

    Precisely. Doesn’t matter that I only have orgasms when Fiance allows them. Chastity is a much more…severe expression of that power. Terrifying is apt.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. See? I know your terror 😀

      I realized after hitting publish that I left out 2-3 parts of my psyche in this analysis, but they all said the same thing… and the result is… terrified.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. To be fair, you are really fun to tease. 🙂

          If you want payback you just have to wait for Ms Dixie, Nora, and Sayyidsgirl to start ganging up on me… or you could create that opening yourself 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

  4. I really enjoyed reading your post, fc. Lots to think about in ways I hadn’t considered before.

    I like your reference to if the clit isn’t allowed to enlarge as it normally would. I have a little expereince of that in my journey and it is frustrating as hell! Like you said, the ability to orgasm is compromised without compromising the sexual tension.

    Surrendering over sexual release is quite a big step to take. Chastity seems like an infinitely larger one to me. “Never” is such a permanent and definitive term. But I imagine that if it has a significance to you emotionally and mentally it would be well worth the struggle.

    Have a lovely day, fc!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Miriam.
      If you don’t mind me asking, was the clit being prevented from enlarging done intentionally? Or was it incidental? I know a handful of male Doms that I have talked about this with before and they are fascinated at the idea of being able to do a female equivalent to male chastity.

      The sexual release aspect is actually one of the basic hurdles a male sub has to relinquish in F/m. As in… if you are unwilling, your chances of finding someone are basically 0.

      Chastity would have an emotional struggle to me, mostly because of how I perceive reality. There were other components I didn’t include in this post because the outcome was the same but I may write about them in the future.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. I don’t recall it being forceful. But then again, I don’t remember force/pain accurately in an aroused state. It eventually got a little painful and that’s when we removed the rope harness/Dd’s thumb.

          Liked by 1 person

        2. Ah. So it was done mostly intentionally.

          Male erection force can get up there in the 120-150psi range. While I know quite a bit about the clitoris, I do not have any measurement references on how much strength it would take.

          Liked by 1 person

        3. Ah. Ok 🙂

          Any pain from being blocked is caused by the tug on the scrotum from a “trapped ball” device. The blockage itself is more like trying to pitch a tent in a pair of brand new stiff jeans that are a size too small and keep it pinned down.


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