203. Separating self and spaces

In the past couple of weeks I have been helping a number of people with the same subject and I figured it would be worth making a post of it.

For the sake of ease, I’m going to make use of my own version of the term “subspace” that I have used for years because I will go crazy if I have to continuously type “submissive mental space” to contrast that against the endorphin high definition you find in most guides.  So for the sake of this post, if I write subspace, I mean submissive mental space.

Another key point here is that there are noun and adjective versions of these words:

  • submissive the adjective = ready to conform to the authority or will of others; meekly obedient or passive.
  • submissive the noun = a person who submits to another (in this context, to a dominant).
  • dominant the adjective = important, powerful, or influential.
  • dominant the noun = a person who dominates another (in this context, over a submissive).

Subspace is an altered mental space that falls at the core of submission.  It is not a mindset.  It is not a feeling.  It is a different persona within you that is separate from your rational vanilla self.  Subspace is more easily noticeable in submissives that have a strong vanilla persona, but even people with shy or subdued vanilla personas still have a subspace. It is separate and it is different from who you are in public.  e.g. alpha CEO by day, submissive/slave behind closed doors is an extreme example.

Two things stand out about subspace:

  1. It is sexual.  You will be aroused.
  2. It rewrites the way that you behave, process information, and perceive the world.

Arousal is often the great differentiating point between someone that has a “submissive personality” vs. someone that is “feeling like a submissive.”  When you enter subspace, you will be aroused.

The rewriting of perception is a bit different and harder to describe.  It’s easier to illustrate it with an example.  The dominant orders you to kneel and places a collar around your neck.  You get hit with a wave of emotion and fall into subspace.  When in subspace, the dominant may seem so much bigger and more important than before.  You might feel smaller.  Their words carry more weight.  You lose your ability to resist.  If they scold you, you feel bad and want to cry (whereas in your vanilla person you might tell them to fuck off).  Your desires shift to be pleasing to them and see them happy.  You find yourself aching for their approval.  Right and wrong become something else.  The rest of the world seems unimportant.

Have you ever felt anything like that before? If yes, you have experienced subspace.  You became someone else.  Your submissive self.

Discovering how your submissive self works is a matter of understanding the boundaries of your subspace as well as its triggers.  While I have written about triggers recently, a brief breakdown is that subspace triggers are acts, words, phrases, rituals, rules, ideas, objects, environments that cause you to shift into subspace from your vanilla persona.

In most cases, these triggers will either be related to a particular fetish, trauma, or they can also be rooted in themes/symbols.  A collar symbolizing control and ownership.  A kneeling ritual to symbolize status and devotion.  A type of embrace to show protection and care.  A forceful command.  An embarrassing act.  Often, the verbal reminder of why an act is being performed is enough.  These “speak to” your submission and can do anything from nudge you to shove you into subspace.

A continuous use of triggers over an extended period of time can ensure that a sub will remain in subspace or even fall deeper into it.  Done right, it requires minimal work and there are ways to make it self-perpetuating.  If a collar drives their subspace, attach a bell and tell them that every time they hear it jingle they are supposed to remember that they are owned.  This may very well keep them fully immersed in subspace even in the absence of directly dominant acts.

On the other side of the coin are dominants.  Dominants, like submissives, also have a dominant mental space (domspace) which is separate from their vanilla persona.  This explains how a dominant can be mild, gentle, and polite as their vanilla self and intense and sadistic in their dominant persona.

Also similar to subspace, domspace involves arousal and emergence of a dominant persona.  This may be harder to notice in someone who has an alpha vanilla persona, but this is where they become a dominant instead of just having a dominant personality.

Domspace can also have triggers that will assist in or fully activate their dominant persona.  These often just fall into things they like to do or rules they may have chosen to cater to their domspace, but a submissive can also attempt to forcibly activate their domspace if they know their triggers.

I would try to write more about domspace triggers but seeing as I don’t have a domspace, I feel I am better off keeping it as general as I can.

Finding out your individual spaces and their triggers can take some time.  It can take longer if your subspace or domspace run very closely to your vanilla personas.  It is also very valuable for a submissive to share as much knowledge of their subspace triggers with the dominant as they can.  This is sometimes a difficult and embarrassing thing to do, but dominants aren’t mind-readers and giving them the confidence to be dominant works a lot better than having them guess through trial and error.

Dominants may wish to keep some feeling of mystery and avoid sharing their triggers with the submissive.  However, in cases where dominants and submissives seem to have trouble finding their footing together, especially with newer or inexperienced dominants, it may be wise for them to share the way their space works with their sub.  That way the submissive can try to provide an environment that is conducive to the dominant’s domspace.

Hopefully someone will find this helpful.

35 thoughts on “203. Separating self and spaces

  1. Thank you very much for writing this. I am finding it helpful to view my submission, and my submissive in these terms. I think that I have relied too much on trying to get myself into that headspace and expecting that after a time, it will just happen. Actually, time and practice makes much less difference to being able to tap into it than the outside influences which pull against it do. They have always pulled me back but hopefully looking at it this way, I will be able to identify the things which take me in the direction I want to be going in. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are welcome. There aren’t enough writings out there covering this subject and I am always puzzled as to why. I don’t think it is that people don’t care, I think a lot of people just aren’t aware if it.

      This ends up feeling like, “oh, that’s how you do it. This seems easy enough,” and can help both dominant and submissive build consistency and keep both parties from feeling helpless or “starved.”

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I quite agree with the other comments, this is helpful. I showed it to Fiance and he says he doesn’t know what triggers his Domspace yet (but I certainly know what triggers his sexual appetite, lol! Yes, that was bad. Sorry.) We had a chat about how he feels when I’m in full little mode, or when I’m upset or hurt or struggling with something. It’s a different mental space for him, he doesn’t necessarily feel aroused, but he wants to protect me and take care of me. Very nurturing.
    And your posts (and comments on mine) have helped us very much with discovering my triggers. Thank you! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you.

      He works rather naturally with his dominance, so I don’t think he needs to understand his triggers as much as others. A dominant that is still struggling to find their way would probably benefit from it more.

      It sounds like he is able to shift as needed.

      I am glad that you see my comments as helpful even if you accuse me sometimes of being mean 🙂

      Take care

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s what I find so fascinating about the way his works, because he never knew he was Dominant until me. He considered himself a Switch, just mild bedroom stuff like spanking and the like. Relationship-wise things were vanilla. But with me, something triggers his natural Dominance, and he’s certainly enjoying it. 🙂

        You are mean though..you tease and taunt..and you try to give him ideas he doesn’t need!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for this post – I had never thought about it in this way but immediately recognised that I do have triggers that send me into this mental state.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. OMG thanks for writing this, fc! I gets it now 🙂

    “A continuous use of triggers over an extended period of time can ensure that a sub will remain in subspace or even fall deeper into it. Done right, it requires minimal work and there are ways to make it self-perpetuating. If a collar drives their subspace, attach a bell and tell them that every time they hear it jingle they are supposed to remember that they are owned. This may very well keep them fully immersed in subspace even in the absence of directly dominant acts.”
    – This really resonates with me at this time/point of my journey. Daddy does like keeping me in subspace as much as possible (even when I’m at school/work/placement).
    – And your post would explain why orgasm denial seems to keep me in subspace all the time (even when I’m at work/placement).
    – Daddy does lots of things to perpetuate my subspace but the one I would mention at this time is buying all my clothes. So whenever I go out of the house or even if I’m at home, I feel his dominance physically though the clothes and also in my mind. The only time where this is not happening is when I’m not clothed but when that’s the case Daddy is with me so I’m in subspace anyways.
    – Maybe it’s weird to be in a constant state of arousal from being in subspace almost constantly. But I reckon that if the vanillas can’t tell then it shouldn’t matter to them or me.
    – I don’t think I’ve exited subspace in a while. *trying hard to think of the last time I wasn’t in subspace* Nope I can’t remember. Will have to get back to you on that one.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Miriam. You are one of those lucky few that get to stay immersed in such a delicious mental space. MB does a great job of keeping you there with creativity and thorough maintenance. I figured it would all make sense 🙂

      I long for that type of existence as well.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

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