218. Sexism in D/s

Note:  Still writing with a fever, but this is a rant post, so…

I don’t expect everyone to like me.  Hell, I only expect a fraction of people out there will like me.  I am opinionated and can be confrontational.  I have a somewhat dry, crass, and perverse sense of humor.  I don’t go out of my way to make people dislike me, but I also won’t bend over backwards to try to make everyone like me.

In turn, I don’t expect to like everyone.  I know that some people will rub me the wrong way.  I know that we all come from different walks of life and have different world views.  That being said, one of the easiest ways to ensure that you won’t have my respect is to be sexist.

Having recently joined a newer kink community, I have unfortunately encountered someone that while I have barely spoken to them, they have managed to sour me on them as a person so greatly, that I have no intention to speak to them.  The crap that comes out of their mouth makes me sorry that human-kind still has to deal with this type of individual.

I have to say that it bums me out when I hear a dominant use sexism to justify their dominance.  Men strong, women weak.  It is the natural order for women to submit to men.  Ignore the fact that I am part of the F/m lifestyle, and I still find this ignorant on offensive on a number of levels.  It takes every ounce of my strength to avoid “getting into it” with this person.  They don’t mean enough to me to bother.  I don’t mind ranting about it here though.

While there are a number of philosophies that people use in their approach to the lifestyle, most would agree that consent ranks pretty highly.  Both people want it.  Both people agree to it.  The concept of a natural order destroys the value of consent.  It doesn’t matter if they should want it, this is the natural order of things.  It puts an abusive wife-beater in the same position of dominance as a loving, caring, nurturing dominant.  It implies there is a natural birth right by being born your gender.  If you are a man, you should dominate.  If you are a woman, you should submit.  It flows along with hereditary rule, “divine right,” caste systems, and every other system that failed throughout history because it put people into power without regard for their capacity or skill to rule.  It is the same logic that perpetuated race-based slavery and segregation.  If we are inherently unequal, should we still give them the right to vote and own property?  If this person can’t see the implications of this belief structure, should they really be talking about it?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that everyone is created equal.  I think that both nature and nurture come into play.  I think that some people have a greater capacity to be a good dominant than others.  Should every male be a dominant?  Hell no.  Should every female be a dominant?  Hell no.  Something so basic that says nothing about strength of character and responsibility should not be the deciding factor.

Another aspect of this idea that bothers me so deeply is that is diminishes the value of submission.  Being a good submissive is not easy.  It is not for the weak.  It is not something that should be taken for granted.  Being a good submissive is a lot of work.  It takes a lot of dedication, love, trust, and courage.  You aren’t just “born that way.”

I don’t even see this as a conversation topic.  I mean, shit, it’s 2017 right?  Not 1817.

If someone wants to believe in this, I respect their right to have that opinion.  I just don’t want them to say it around me or I have the right to think they are a douche bag.

15 thoughts on “218. Sexism in D/s

  1. Lol I get so self-conscious and paranoid when I start reading these posts… “Oh no, was it me??? I said that thing about women mothering their husbands in our society. Was that sexist? Is that what he’s talking about?” But then I inevitably finish reading whatever rant my friend is on, and it’s like “Oh thank God it wasn’t me. That guy sounds like a douche.”

    I struggle with sexism a lot because while I don’t believe that sex and gender should dictate how people interact, I can’t discount the powerful teachings from Eastern religions regarding the differences between male and female energies. I believe we all express both in different amounts, and we need to embrace femininity and masculinity as the treasures they are rather than trying to stamp everything into gender neutrality.

    Or something. I don’t know.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, Leda. This was not about you 🙂
      I do agree there are differences in genders, masculinity, femininity, sexuality,etc. I do not believe these determine our strengths or which side of the slash that we belong on 🙂

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think that it is always worth challenging an opinion that you feel is being expressed in a way which is not positive. I don’t like sexism or the type of comments that dictate that all of one type are this or all of one type are that. Sometimes it is difficult not to generalise, especially when you are passionate about something and I know that I have been guilty of this myself. People are entitled to their own opinion but I think that if you express those around others then you can expect to be challenged and sometimes that can actually alter your own thinking on the topic.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, Missy.
      I tend to try to avoid confrontations of this nature because I know that I have a monster in me that is difficult to contain once I let it out. That monster can get ugly… and I don’t like to show it when I don’t “have” to.

      I think that we all develop generalizations based upon the people we know, those that we observe, and the like. I think we also naturally limit these to smaller groupings or applicable demographics to keep them from being sweeping and inaccurate.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Ugh, I came across a group a few years ago at FetLife that was basically this premise. All women, regardless of what they “claimed,” were truly submissive and all men, regardless of what they “claimed,” were truly Dominant. They just needed to be shown their place…because this was how it is. The natural order. *massive eye roll* Absolute idiots, the lot of them.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You hit the nail on the head. And for someone who states they are “submissive male” You sure are taking a dominate role! You rock, keep it up. There is no room for sexism, anywhere. The more I read about D/s and the more I believe that it is the LEAST most sexist cultures.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I am submissive to the one I submit to, and that’s about it (although occasionally I will trust people enough to let my guard down around them).

      When it comes to strangers and things I feel strongly about, I don’t hesitate to raise a fuss. But… I end up spending about 12 hours a day in my alpha space… and I try to keep it under wraps here. This just ended up being one of those things that sets me off.

      Take care.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. “Another aspect of this idea that bothers me so deeply is that is diminishes the value of submission.  Being a good submissive is not easy.  It is not for the weak.  It is not something that should be taken for granted.  Being a good submissive is a lot of work.  It takes a lot of dedication, love, trust, and courage.  You aren’t just “born that way.””
    – I’m reading a book at the moment that says being weak is a privilege. And when I read this it really reminded me of that concept. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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