Inner Curiosity

Lately I have been in contact with a group that has been very supportive of me.  They want me to be myself and allow me to share things that normally would have taken me much longer to feel comfortable with.  Through them I have been encountering a lot of littles, which has me thinking back to my own feelings and possible existence.

I wrote this back in March but did not cross-post it here because I was embarrassed about it.  I figure now is as good of time as any to bring it up.  I wrote this while in my submissive mental space that I associate with the (potentially) little side of myself.  If anyone has any thoughts on this that might help give me some clarity, I’m all ears.  I’m still super confused.

Inside of me resides a terrified little boy. He is the truest version of how I feel and see the world. He has been abused, neglected, and starved for attention and love. The little boy is resilient, he keeps on going even when life hurts.

This boy is at the core of my submission. He calls upon all of the talents at his disposal and launches himself without hesitation into the fray, hoping that she will notice… hoping that she will toss him a few crumbs of affection to feed his starving belly. He learned long ago that nothing is free. He diligently toils through his labors, brimming with pride. The next scattering of crumbs remind him that not to expect what is not his to give or take.

Always working, always pressing, always hoping that this will be enough. “I’m good enough,” he thinks. The crumbs speak back to him, “good enough, FOR NOW.” No time to rest, never perfect, always room to improve. He pushes and pushes, trudging along, one foot in front of the other. Standing still is death. Keep pressing.

He becomes twice as good to feel half as good. The next batch of crumbs tell him, “you are barely acceptable.” Sometimes he cries, screams, and wails, flailing in the darkness, unsure of where to go. When he tires, he picks a direction and off he goes.

Her voice calls out to him in the darkness. It guides him to her. He approaches, timidly, awkward, but with lots of hope. The touch of her hand makes him tremble and he nearly cries out of happiness that someone could see him. She pulls him close and mesmerizes him with her words. She becomes the focus of his heart.

He listens intently as she lays down the rules. He agrees to them one by one without hesitation, not noticing the predatory shift in her aura. She closes her arms around him, marking him, and this fills his heart with joy. It is enough to fill his belly. She sends him off to toil for her and he goes all out, hoping to impress her and keep her affections. She readies a handful of crumbs for his return.

Advertisements

22 thoughts on “Inner Curiosity

  1. It’s up to you whether you want to label the little boy as a little.
    I can see how submission is linked to the boy and really a little is just a type of submissive. Most littles I know, myself included, tend to be wild and perceived as bratty and playful. Not that the boy isn’t, I think he is just really shy about exposing himself and puts a lot of emphasis on his self-worth as part of his being. The boy wants to please but also wants affection and attention, he also wants guidance and to be taught.I think he wants to come out and play but is unsure of himself. Maybe he needs the woman to hold his hand and walk with him

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Emily.
      Your assessment is very similar to how I see him. I do think that he already has his self-worth broken though, and kind of expects to be treated badly, even if deep down he hopes for acceptance. I’m not sure if hand-holding is enough.

      I had always viewed this as my slavespace, but slowly learning it is something quite different altogether. I guess only time and exploration will tell.

      Take care.

      Like

  2. These are just some of my thoughts after reading the post. First of all, I think it’s beautifully written. Second of all, I feel like the little boy is scared and nervous. I feel like he is very service oriented. I think he is ashamed of the fact that he is a little. I think he needs a mommy to help guide him along and show him how happy can be. And I think he just needs to know that he’s loved. And clearly no expert though. So I hope this helps but if it doesn’t I hope you have a good night either way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Witty.
      I’ve never had that kind of guidance, so I’m not sure what would happen. The way that you are interpreting him in general is quite accurate. I think I finally have an environment where I feel comfortable exploring it though and I hope to learn more.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so very happy that you find it welcoming and that you feel accepted there. I kinda suspected you would because they really are great people and so are you! 🙂

    As for the little boy, to read about him it brings out the caregiver in me and my instinct is to want to hold him and tell him he’s special and loved.

    But he’s also broken, and sometimes, sadly, love is not enough.

    I look forward to more of your self exploration. You never know where it might take you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, SG. I am happy that you invited me there.

      I do have to wonder sometimes if the boy would respond more to love or being allowed to succeed and build up his confidence that way. Maybe a little of each…

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hmm… a balance of the two? Would be a challenge for the person in charge. But could be achieved I think, provided a) their love and care for the boy were genuine, b) they accepted him for who he is (flaws and all) and c) they were able to clearly understood his needs and desires.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Your post is very enlightening. I have many of the same feelings of being a little boy. I was raised mostly by a mom who would spend most of her time with my younger sister. My dad was only around on the weekends. I never had the lessons on how to interact with girls or women. I starved for attention. I used to be passive when it came to sex and pursuing sex, but it really got me nowhere.

    Now I find that if given a choice I would take a Dom role, only slightly. Not into the total humiliation and such. I want the sub to want to please me, to show how she is going to please me. It is therapeutic for me to exercise that ability to tell what I want and get it, know that I am not going to be rejected.

    But still after all these years I am very fragile, it only takes a small rejection to crush me emotionally and send that little boy inside crying to his dark room of my mind.

    It is a delicate balance.

    By posting this you are stronger than you think. I give you great credit and so appreciate hearing it from another man! Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much for sharing. I was pressed to “get tough” so young that I buried the boy in me. It is still there, I have yet to find a healthy way of reaching him. Rejection pushes me there as well. Hopefully I can find more understanding in this as time goes on. It is an odd thing to be aware of.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m so sorry you have this hurt side, fc! I can only imagine how distressing/painful it can be at times… Little Miriam will sit with Little fc in silence if it makes him feel better. You are loved by Little Miriam! And she not scared of the darkness (if she’s not in a storm).

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s