230. Thoughts on my place

I’ve found myself feeling cloudy-headed and in an increasingly irritable mood lately.  Usually I look for some sort of critical point where things tipped for the worse.  In this case, I’m finding none of those things.  This is a case of erosion.

I’ve been blogging for a long time.  A really long time.  I’ve had friendships made through blogging come and go over the years.  There are a couple of people that I have gotten very close to through this medium.  I’ve had many more fall by the wayside.  My original purpose for blogging was to come to terms with my identity in D/s.  It wasn’t long before things shifted.  I began to write about my thoughts and the things I cared about in the lifestyle.  I began to explore ideas and things I was curious about through words.  I searched for answers to questions.  I has been a lot of fun.

At some point I found that what I mostly do is teach.  People that were eager to learn would find me.  Other times I would stumble upon those in need of guidance.  I like to talk about the ideas that aren’t covered in guides or recited as cliches anywhere you find BDSM on the web. I like to find the magical formulas that make D/s successful (e.g. if communication and consent were enough, almost everyone would be golden, right?). When you have been around the block as many times as I have, you have seen pretty much everything at least once. It makes me feel good to impart what I have learned to others when it will help them. It gives me a sense of purpose while D/s doesn’t exist in my life. Things had been going pretty well on that front recently.

What has been wearing me down isn’t something I can articulate easily. The “scene” I am currently immersed in is not my natural habitat. People have bee accepting of me and open to my ideas but there are times when topics come up that just make me feel off and/or out of place.

The past few times I have hopped in with groups it has been similar. I am the token male sub. The first task is always to break down the stereotypes of F/m. Dommes aren’t raging man-haters that abuse the hell out of some poor soul that shouldn’t even be there in the first place. I don’t even know where this idea comes from. I still end up having to overcome it. A lot of people end up feeling naive that they didn’t understand that D/s is D/s, regardless of if it’s M/f or F/m. Flipping the slash doesn’t make relationships non-loving or miserable.

Once the stereotypes are broken it’s a lot easier to talk about things in a mutually-understood way… for a while. There is a period of connection, friendship building, and camaraderie that feels great. I feel like I belong. That feeling is rare for me. Over time, things inevitably start to eat away at me because of numerous reminders that my role is not perceived as legitimate. This is rarely if ever thrown in my face intentionally. It is rarely blatant. I doubt people even realize they are doing it.

Before I go any farther I do want to mention that I’m debating not posting this. I don’t want to come off as some “whoa is me whiner” with thin skin looking for someone to play a violin for the depressing emo-boy. It took me days to recognize that this is legitimately affecting me in a negative way and not just some downswing in mood. I also don’t mean for this to guilt trip anyone. If anything, I just want people to be aware of it and that it does have an impact.

There are ideas that perpetuate that are really ugly. They are ideas that in any other arena, people would be offended by them. For some reason in M/f, it’s easy for people to believe that this is the correct orientation. Men dominate, women submit. People make these statements. They nod and agree. They will talk about how equality was ruining their marriage and now that the man has taken charge, the woman realizes what a bitch she has been and obviously needed to be dominated. This is the natural order and now everything is perfect. Feminism is destroying the world. They nod and agree.

I sit back and shake my head. D/s isn’t a perfect substitute for maturity. I think in many cases when people take responsibility in their roles they mature. I think this maturing could have been done without D/s. I think people can choose who they want to be instead of just following baser emotions. When people enact D/s they choose who they want to be sometimes for the first time in a long time. I don’t think this has anything to do with natural order. I think it has everything to do with people truly trying to understand the one that they love and what will make them truly happy. This can happen without D/s even if D/s was their vehicle for finding it.

I shouldn’t have to explain why the sexist nature of the common view bothers me. I’ve ranted about it before. I will simply make a comparison statement. If a man said that women shouldn’t be CEOs or in hold government office because men are better take charge leaders, many people would get pretty damn offended. Very few people would nod and agree.

The other factor is at the core of what wears me down. If M/f is the natural order, then I am an abomination. I shouldn’t exist. My existence becomes trivialized. If people really see my role and existence as real, they could not and would not make those types of sexist statements, nor agree with them. They would probably get offended.

If someone truly sees me and accepts me, they would not even think those things.
I’m not really going to take this any farther as anything more I could say is only beating a dead horse. What I can say is that experiencing weeks of this has worn me down and I feel unnerved. It doesn’t feel good. A Domme friend of mine told me that she thinks it’s easier for a man to come out as gay than to come out as submissive. I’ve agreed with her since I read that statement the first time and still agree with it now.

Hopefully I didn’t piss anyone off by writing this. If so, I apologize in advance as it wasn’t my intent.


27 thoughts on “230. Thoughts on my place

    1. I agree!! I don’t believe natural order can be generalized. Personalities and characteristics certainly cannot be attributed as generalities. These things individual and unique. You are you, and you are appreciated and legitimate. Hugs from me as well!

      Liked by 2 people

  1. *hugs*

    I think there’s a split between what people think the natural order should be and reality. Some people live in the fantasy/idealized world where the “should be”s are real and the realities of this world are untrue because “it cannot possibly be”.

    If you exist this way then you are real! Everyone else who says otherwise are living in a imagined world.

    Fuck the “should be”s. Fc is where the real stuff of life is!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, Miriam.
      Something I have noticed is that the people who tend to have the firmest grasp of their role generally avoid making blanket statements. They know that an individual’s strengths and weaknesses are part of the individual and don’t need to fall back on gender bias or idealism to justify themselves.

      I think the hurt that accumulates over time is something I should probably be able to brush off. I think it just feels more daunting when you know that you have to carve through layers of ignorance and false bravado to take a stand… and knowing how unpleasant that act is.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. “I think the hurt that accumulates over time is something I should probably be able to brush off. I think it just feels more daunting when you know that you have to carve through layers of ignorance and false bravado to take a stand… and knowing how unpleasant that act is.”
        – I’m glad you are confident that you can brush it off. Take your time though. And maybe it’s not worth your time and effort to carve through the layers to take a stand. Just be you and leave the people who don’t appreciate you for you.


        Liked by 1 person

  2. I think people defer to your natural affinity to share information you have accumulated. You’re more experienced than many of us, so we seek to soak up as much info as possible. I am sure others will agree when I say I am grateful you are willing to give insight.

    The “Domme’s are uber-bitches who want to destroy their subs” comes from a lot of Femdom erotica that portrays them that way, coupled with a few blogs with that kind of theme. I don’t know how to combat this, I’m afraid it’s going to be pervasive throughout the blogosphere for a long time. This may be some of what contributes to feeling as though your submission isn’t as legitimate as a female’s. It’s hard to feel validated when most exposure to anything F/m deals with extreme abuse and the like. This does nothing to promote F/m as being as natural as M/f.

    You aren’t whining for pointing out something that bothers you. If you aren’t being supported by your friends, we need to know. If we are making you feel like you don’t belong or that you are unnatural in some way, we need to know. We can’t fix something if we don’t know it’s broken.

    I think the reason you are seeing people nod and accept that M/f is the natural order is because it’s much more prevalent. (Natural order is BS btw, there are groups on Fet who cater to that sort of thought and it’s sickening to read their rhetoric.) From societal dictates through history to the way our government (for the US citizens at least) is operated, men are in charge and women either submit or fight tooth-and-nail to be treated slightly less inferior. It isn’t nearly as common to hear of men being the ones deferring power, and so people don’t always know how to accept it.
    Then, there’s the fact that women are encouraged to share things in general much more than men. We are told it’s natural for us to be emotional and expressive and open, whereas men are supposed to be stoic and unemotional and closed-off in order to be “real” men. Trying to come out as submissive in a world where masculinity is measured by how “tough” and “in charge” a man is has to be horrifically difficult. I can’t imagine. I honestly can’t.

    I am saddened that you are feeling this way. Miriam is quite right. Your reality is what is real. Honestly it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks as long as you find fulfilment.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you, HH.
      I am glad that people like to soak up the information that I can share. I really enjoy being able to expose and explain concepts to people, especially the ones they are experiencing and struggling with.

      F/m blogs are far fewer than they used to be and far more polarized than ever before with FLR and “cruel” styles being the most represented versions out there in currently active blogs. It wasn’t always this way… and actually, there used to be quite a few. Unfortunately at least 50 of the moderate lifestyle blogs went dark in the past few years. I know when I make a post romanticizing D/s that people tend to be like, “huh? I didn’t think F/m was this way.” The funny part is, even the severely “cruel” blogs where it seems like the male is severely bullied and tortured, I would have to guess that if you asked him, that he would say he is perfectly happy and living out his fantasy. It’s kind of funny how that goes.

      The form I have become is alpha by day, submissive at home. I can easily blend in to society’s expectations when I have to. I think I hate feeling like I have to do that at other times. I spent years trying to reduce the amount of dudebro emissions that pollute the environment in hope of saving the planet.

      Hopefully someday I’ll be able to stop caring… either that or go back to being an internet warrior who can’t rest until someone is proven wrong 😛

      Take care.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I’ve ran across a few that are cruel that, although not as many as when I first discovered internet porn waaaaaay back in high school. There were several that made me genuinely concerned for the sub’s safety and health, but I realize now that we only see the small glimpse we are given. We have no way of knowing the rest of what goes on in the relationship and thus, we have to accept that the submissive party must be enjoying himself or he wouldn’t stick around. (Sometimes I wonder where that line is drawn though…it seems easier to tell a female that she might be a victim of abuse than it is a male, regardless of “role” in the relationship. Totally different topic, so I’ll leave that for now.)

        Lol, I don’t think you alone can save the planet from dudebro emissions. It would take a complete overhaul of societal expectation to reduce that, although every little bit helps. Your contribution to saving the planet has been noted. 🙂
        Unfortunately, I think alpha by day and submissive by night is a necessary dichotomy right now. I know that in my own life, I would much rather default to my primary Little state. Since I am no longer in classes and was terminated from my job, I have only had to be Big when dealing with my sister’s hospitalization and passing, and re-training my dog (who freaked about moving houses). Otherwise I have been able to be myself. I didn’t realize how much I had fallen into this submissive, Little mindset until HD told me I had to be Big until he came home again, because he won’t be able to take care of me until then. Sadly, he’s right…I have had to be an adult in ways I haven’t in a while, and it’s uncomfortable. I don’t like it. It’s necessary until he’s home to take care of the “grown-up” things I don’t want to, so I will do it. Plus he asked me, and I hate disappointing him.
        Dudebro emissions may not be avoidable in modern society. I hate to sound callous but..you may have to suck it up until you get back into a relationship where you can revert to your natural (submissive) state. Besides, I enjoy giving your alpha persona a hard time. 😛

        I don’t think it would be good for you to stop caring. Perhaps some day you’ll be less detrimentally affected by the negativity, but if you stop caring then you won’t have the drive to share and improve the lives of others, you won’t have the drive to improve yourself and your life, and you won’t have the drive to be the best submissive you can be. Caring isn’t a weakness, it takes strength to have a heart in a world that’s determined to destroy it. Although being an internet warrior sounds like a good option. We always need more people fighting for a better, more positive world.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Porn is almost always something active or something degrading. There isn’t a lot of demand for more tamer subject matter on that front.

          My alpha was created to suck it up hehe. I try to dish it back as well, I just try to limit the amount of time I spend as a raging aggressive asshole to the bare minimum (and try to reserve it for people that deserve a soldering iron to the face).

          I liked what you said about requiring strength to have a heart. It does.

          Take care.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. “I sit back and shake my head. D/s isn’t a perfect substitute for maturity. I think in many cases when people take responsibility in their roles they mature. I think this maturing could have been done without D/s.” <– This! So much.

    I would take a step further and say D/s is NOT a substitute for maturity. In fact, the number of emotional cripples and immature idiots who hide behind their D/s role as a means of persecuting facile, juvenile and really backward world views is appalling. And, frankly, I've seen it on both sides of the F/m and M/f slash.

    Your later comments regarding will make people happy, with or without D/s, are totally on the mark, but people being people, the politics of how roles are perceived become all tangled up in with their identity. Often this view is just plain backward.

    And, of course, I have experienced exactly what you are referring to regarding male subs being grossly misunderstood and/or perceived as 'weak' (fill in all the other dumb cliches here. The older I get, the less tolerance I have for this and the more harsh I become…Not that my loss of patience says good things about my maturity, but at some point it all just wears thin.

    Like, you are not the ambassador for all sub men to those who are clueless, and neither am I…

    Anyway, I am rambling at this point.

    Hang tough.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Furcissy, you are a gem.
    Of all the places i have been and all the people i have me in my endeavor to learn and grow in D/s, you are one of 3 people who have taken an interest in chatting, being friendly, giving advice, and making it fun. You are warm, caring, funny, and informative. You’re a great teacher, and it is very apparent that you love giving others advice and ideas. I know this type of appreciation tends to make you uncomfortable, but it needs to be said. Because what you contribute to the D/s community is important!! It makes a difference. I have talked to hundreds of people about this lifestyle, and you are one of the only ones who makes me believe it can work, and who is invested in making points that nobody has made before. You are a bright light in the fucked up-ness that exists in BDSM forums, blogs, and resources.

    Your feelings here are justified and they are valid. But please remember- the people who inadvertently give D/s a gender bias probably don’t mean it the way its being taken. It doesnt make it any less shitty, but it also doesn’t make the persons word gospel. You are natural. You are genuine. You are legitimate. Your submission is beautiful, it is a gift, and it is something you, and the world, should treasure. Sorry for rambling, I just hate knowing you are hurting. Always here for you, FC. Thanks for being there for me.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Thank you, Slars. Your words mean a lot to me as I have enjoyed chatting with you and Lars a lot over the past few weeks. It makes me happy that you feel that way about me as that is the type of person that I hope to be.

      I’m trying not to get hung up on things too badly. I may start pulling myself out from time to time if something triggers me rather than prolonging exposure and just getting frustrated by it. I will try to stick around though.

      Take care.


  5. Hey FC I haven’t known you for long, but I can certainly understand how this would be hard. I have found you to be knowledgeable and soooo helpful!

    I don’t think D/s should be gender defined, in fact for my own POV I thought there would be more male subs than female (shows ignorance) in that maybe this was a way to escape the stereotypical pressure they felt to behave in an alpha way in society.

    I have of course learned that D/s isn’t a means to escape, for me it’s been about accepting my true self and desires. I want to submit to MrH’s will, to be submissive to his desires. I’ve never felt so calm and, strangely, in control of myself.

    I’m thinking back to what you said about this being something that happens over and over again and that it does bother you – that’s perfectly understandable. I’m reminded of the idea that if you constantly tell a child they are naughty they will come to believe they are… same happens with body image. If you’re told enough that you’re fat it becomes all you can believe of yourself.

    I hope that within the circle of people that you connect with there proves to be an equally strong message of ‘you’re perfect as you are, certainly not abnormal, definitely appreciated, generous and wise’ that may serve to remind you that you are!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, SwG.
      There are actually more male subs than anything else. They are just the least likely to find someone, the least likely (per capita) to attend local events regularly, most likely to have to pay money to experience dominance, and a very low percentage of them blog. (I may write more about this in a post)

      I feel similarly about how calming submission can be.

      It is a hard balance when surrounded by things. This group has been way better in that I’m not bombarded by “real man” references all the time, but there’s been enough “natural order” type references that have a similar corrosive effect on me. (albeit it requires more of them and takes longer). I do know these people are in the minority.

      Thank you for the kind words.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome 😊 and anytime you need to vent please message me!!!

        Natural order??? What’s that! Surely in the world we are in the natural order should be what makes sense to you not what social constructs dictate… ☹️

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I am sorry that you feel this way fc and if I have done anything to perpetuate this then it has been entirely subconscious. I speak from my own experience which is from an M/f dynamic but I do not think that is the natural order for everyone. I believe in equality and in the right to choose to have the type of relationship dynamic that you want and that suits you. You have brought so much to our community and I think that the others I know feel the same way. I realise that it must be very hard to be in the minority but that only makes you all the more special to us. We would have nothing to learn or think about if everyone was the same. The whole premise of The SWC has been that there is no one true way and that it is inclusive, welcoming, accepting and respectful of difference. We are all different and that is the point. I know that it must be hard for you but if you feel as you do that the side of the slash makes no difference to submission then it should not matter if you are the lone male submissive. I certainly do not see you as that. I see you as furcissy; a friend and someone who has taken the time to talk and to listen with me. It matters not whether you are male or female or sub or Dom or switch or ………… You are you – that is what matters. I think that sometimes, as you say, people will say things without thinking. That needs to be challenged for it is the only way for such assumptions to be altered. If I say something that offends you I would far rather you felt able to challenge me on that than to move away. How would I ever learn and how would things ever change otherwise? I know that you would always be respectful in your approach and I see nothing wrong with respectfully challenging someone. Perhaps then the nods will shift in a different direction than they appeared to be before. I am sorry that you are feeling as you do and if you have to take a break then I understand but I will miss you and will be waiting hopefully for your return. Hugs, missy

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, Missy. You have always made me feel very welcome (HL as well). I do feel that as a whole, the majority have been friendly and accepting.

      One of my great worries is that I would not be respectful in my approach. If I end up in “attack mode,” it can get ugly, especially since I end up up seeing the negative types as weak or ignorant. In groups with a lot of couples, offending one often means offending two, and bad vibes can snowball in a bad way. I will do my best to avoid snapping like that though 🙂

      Thank you again, I do enjoy talking to you.

      Take care.


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