I have been struggling badly for the past week. I tend not to voice it when I can avoid it, instead favoring my learned coping mechanisms and means of weathering out depression. While I’ve been to a multitude of shrinks over the years, none have ever really helped me get enough insight into my emotional inner-workings in a beneficial way. I’ve never really had a real diagnosis, and I’ve mostly received “situational depression,” with the exception of a clock-punching bitch at one of my colleges who didn’t seem to care what I was feeling as long as I wasn’t a suicide risk.
I’ve found when you have a lot of trauma and emotional damage, it’s difficult to understand what is actually a “disorder” and what is just a factor of how you see the world given your past experiences. What I do know is that I struggle from chemical imbalances that work as amplifiers for emotions. The closest disorder that I associate with is Cyclothymia.
My depression is mostly triggered by significantly stressful events but it also cycles a bit, especially seasonally. Each year as the holidays approach I find it creeping its way in. Roughly 85% of the worst events of my life happened either around my birthday or around Christmas. This makes it difficult for me to tell if it is seasonal affective disorder or the memories bubbling to the surface.
With most depression cycles I have enough awareness and emotional control to work through them, often inducing a mania-like state in order to motivate myself and snap out of a negative loop. Other times I am helpless to fight against it and I have to just “talk myself out” of the negative impulses as they arise. I have been dealing with this for 30+ years, so it’s not really anything new to me.
What I dislike the most about my depression is that it starts to block me from easily accessing my submissive mental space. It prevents me from feeling vulnerable, which may be some form of defense mechanism but the end result is feeling detached from my real self. It gets rather frustrating because it means that the mindset where I find the greatest solace and peace is unavailable to me.
My plan is to try to “write through it,” and keep on blogging like normal. The downside is that my tone might start to feel like it’s all over the place and/or I may find it difficult to access all of the perspectives I am accustomed to. The posts on mindfucking are an example of me being blinded to things I was well aware of.
I do call on my readers to feel free to call me out on BS if/when I write any as occasionally I lose awareness of this while in a depressed state.