242. My Depression

I have been struggling badly for the past week.  I tend not to voice it when I can avoid it, instead favoring my learned coping mechanisms and means of weathering out depression.  While I’ve been to a multitude of shrinks over the years, none have ever really helped me get enough insight into my emotional inner-workings in a beneficial way.  I’ve never really had a real diagnosis, and I’ve mostly received “situational depression,” with the exception of a clock-punching bitch at one of my colleges who didn’t seem to care what I was feeling as long as I wasn’t a suicide risk.

I’ve found when you have a lot of trauma and emotional damage, it’s difficult to understand what is actually a “disorder” and what is just a factor of how you see the world given your past experiences.  What I do know is that I struggle from chemical imbalances that work as amplifiers for emotions.  The closest disorder that I associate with is Cyclothymia.

My depression is mostly triggered by significantly stressful events but it also cycles a bit, especially seasonally.  Each year as the holidays approach I find it creeping its way in.  Roughly 85% of the worst events of my life happened either around my birthday or around Christmas.  This makes it difficult for me to tell if it is seasonal affective disorder or the memories bubbling to the surface.

With most depression cycles I have enough awareness and emotional control to work through them, often inducing a mania-like state in order to motivate myself and snap out of a negative loop.  Other times I am helpless to fight against it and I have to just “talk myself out” of the negative impulses as they arise.  I have been dealing with this for 30+ years, so it’s not really anything new to me.

What I dislike the most about my depression is that it starts to block me from easily accessing my submissive mental space.  It prevents me from feeling vulnerable, which may be some form of defense mechanism but the end result is feeling detached from my real self.  It gets rather frustrating because it means that the mindset where I find the greatest solace and peace is unavailable to me.

My plan is to try to “write through it,” and keep on blogging like normal.  The downside is that my tone might start to feel like it’s all over the place and/or I may find it difficult to access all of the perspectives I am accustomed to.  The posts on mindfucking are an example of me being blinded to things I was well aware of.

I do call on my readers to feel free to call me out on BS if/when I write any as occasionally I lose awareness of this while in a depressed state.


36 thoughts on “242. My Depression

  1. *hugs*

    “The closest disorder that I associate with is Cyclothymia.”
    – Do you associated with having borderline personality disorder as well, FC?
    – From my understanding, mental illnesses hunt in packs sometimes. So it’s common to have more than one or a couple at the same time.

    *double hugs*

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I don’t meet enough of the BPD critera to qualify. I am also the opposite of a few of the criteria.

      That being said, I’ve never met a shrink that could “get me,” so I don’t really know.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Interesting. I tend to manifest it in extremely different ways than T does. Eg. During the things that have her trying to push people away, I try to get closer, etc. I have never been one to sabotage.

          Or are you mainly thinking about how I view my self-worth?

          Liked by 1 person

        2. Men tend to manifest it in different ways from women (I’ve been told by my clin psych).

          There are a few things I see. But I’m not sure if you want me to comment here because others will be able to see it too.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel for you FC – I have been living with diagnosed depression for 14 years, I say live with because I take medication daily which keeps me afloat. Whenever I try to reduce this I feel my mood falter, and rather than spiral lower I stay where I am comfortable.
    I think all we can do is try to get through these black episodes as best we can and offer support to those who are brave enough to reach out.
    So if you need to chat – I’m happy to listen 😊

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I know it’s something you’re used to dealing with and that you don’t want to feel like you are a burden to anyone, so I’ll keep this short. I hate that you are going through this.
    The end.

    Oh and I’m glad you’re able to be open about it -I know this is not new, that you’ve shared about your depression before, here and on your other blog as well. Continuing to write, visiting the chat room, talking with friends, are all good things, much better than withdrawing.
    The end for real this time.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. *massive hugs* I don’t have words except that I understand. My living sister has bi-polar with…something that I can’t recall right now. (My deceased sister and I suspected that she also has narcissistic personality as well, but she hasn’t said that). Several people in my mother’s family have various forms of depression as well. It’s hard and it’s scary, but it’s also something worth talking about. I’m glad you are willing to share this with us.

    It’s so trite to tell you to hang in there, but I don’t really know what else to say that. As others have said, I’m available if you want to talk privately.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, HH.
      I am finding that the continuous stream of interactions here are doing a lot of good for it. As soon as I think I can lay my head down and mope a bit I have half a dozen new comments streaming in.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Cyclothymia is a sister of bipolar disorder, that’s for sure. Which means that it is difficult to diagnose, unfortunately. Keep advocating for yourself! It’s tough to do, but monitoring and documenting everything is so important. By any chance, do you know if there is any family history of mental illness? Or family members that you suspected?

    My thoughts are with you during this difficult time. Things may seem dark, but you do have loved ones and a loyal readership. All of us want the best for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much. Unfortunately I was born at an orphanage in Korea and given up at birth. I have no family medical history to draw from. Having dealt with it for so many years I can spot the signs fairly early, often weeks in advance of the shift as well as being able to tell which phase I am in and which feelings are real, which are amplified, which are fake, etc. Sadly knowing all of those things doesn’t allow me to logic my way out, but it does always keep up the perspective that it is a cycle that will come to an end.

      Take care.


  6. I hope & sincerely wish that you are better now..

    I myself have suffered depression for a substantial period.By God’s Grace, I eventually came out of it and so for all my friends experiencing any sort of depression , I just want to say that Sometimes, we think that we have been buried when actually we have been planted .This I learnt after having won over a chronic disease after years of struggle.we just need to hold on a little longer, just never give up.

    I would like to share my complete story here , how I battled with an incurable disease.I wish It helps at least 1 needy person out here.Here’s the story (Not a sad one I promise 🙂 ) https://the-passport-souls.travel.blog/2017/09/04/how-i-tamed-a-monster-called-vitiligo-just-never-give-up/

    Liked by 1 person

      1. And whenever you feel like, please let me know if you would like me to write to you some very simple meditation techniques which you will learn in less than 5 minutes and will really help you when you are having a sinking feeling..see I am not a Yog guru or something but I am into meditation for last 2 years or so..Internet is flooded with so many videos & text and it all gets messed up & confusing..after going through ‘N’ no. of methods, I found simplest breathing techniques being the best one which works for almost everybody..Please let me know If I can be of any help..

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you. I do pretty well with functioning while depressed. I never let it derail my life or alienate relationships. I have methods of coping, and am okay with spotting its signs when it appears. I just wish the cycle would progress more quickly when I want it to 🙂
          Take care.

          Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s