If you view BDSM as a part of your sexuality it becomes a bit blurry to try and evaluate what is a need and what is a desire. As my mind drifts deeper into submission over the years, I find myself seeing fewer things as needs and more things as desires. I also find myself feeling more guilty about wanting my desires to happen but more certain about wanting my needs to be met.
My needs have become fairly simple:
- I need to know that I am loved.
- I need to feel my submission respond to dominance
I don’t consider this to be a very tall order. I have to believe that a Domme I am with will feel okay with making sure these needs are met.
Just about everything else I now view as a desire. Desires are optional, but it is nice if they happen. That being said, they do not NEED to happen. My sexual pleasure falls into this category. My dignity falls into this category. My leisure time falls into this category. My freedom and independence also fall into the land of desires.
In most D/s relationships, I wouldn’t have to worry too much about these desires being met. Most of them would probably happen a lot of the time. This is healthy. This is the way relationships “should” be. At the same time I feel a bit guilty for “wanting things” that do not directly benefit a dominant in some way. I feel guilty for wanting anything beyond being pleasing to her and my own needs.
I scare myself because I find myself drifting deep into the “what if?” realm. What if my desires became truly optional? It isn’t that hard to envision a sadist wishing to deprive me of my desires and using it as domspace fuel. Even if the specific topic in question does nothing for her, the act of depriving a sub of what they want may do something. It isn’t too hard to picture this. I can see a dynamic where the pleasure of serving her and having my needs met become my “rewards.” What if she deems the pleasure she receives from denying me more meaningful than anything that could be “gained” out of granting me my desires?
The prospect of this drives my submissive mental space absolutely berserk. This is when I start to wonder why my penis has shit for brains. At the same time I wonder, “what if?” Would this make me miserable in reality or would the depth of subspace overwhelm me and help me thrive?
The “what if?” tugs at me… and makes me wonder if I am stupid to even think about this or if there is a chance that I would end up with this sort of sadist at some point. In any case, I can’t help but be scared at how far my brain goes down the rabbit hole.