249. My Needs vs. Desires

If you view BDSM as a part of your sexuality it becomes a bit blurry to try and evaluate what is a need and what is a desire.  As my mind drifts deeper into submission over the years, I find myself seeing fewer things as needs and more things as desires.  I also find myself feeling more guilty about wanting my desires to happen but more certain about wanting my needs to be met.

My needs have become fairly simple:

  1. I need to know that I am loved.
  2. I need to feel my submission respond to dominance

I don’t consider this to be a very tall order.  I have to believe that a Domme I am with will feel okay with making sure these needs are met.

Just about everything else I now view as a desire.  Desires are optional, but it is nice if they happen.  That being said, they do not NEED to happen.  My sexual pleasure falls into this category.  My dignity falls into this category.  My leisure time falls into this category.  My freedom and independence also fall into the land of desires.

In most D/s relationships, I wouldn’t have to worry too much about these desires being met.  Most of them would probably happen a lot of the time.  This is healthy.  This is the way relationships “should” be.  At the same time I feel a bit guilty for “wanting things” that do not directly benefit a dominant in some way.  I feel guilty for wanting anything beyond being pleasing to her and my own needs.

I scare myself because I find myself drifting deep into the “what if?” realm.  What if my desires became truly optional?  It isn’t that hard to envision a sadist wishing to deprive me of my desires and using it as domspace fuel.  Even if the specific topic in question does nothing for her, the act of depriving a sub of what they want may do something. It isn’t too hard to picture this.  I can see a dynamic where the pleasure of serving her and having my needs met become my “rewards.”  What if she deems the pleasure she receives from denying me more meaningful than anything that could be “gained” out of granting me my desires?

The prospect of this drives my submissive mental space absolutely berserk.  This is when I start to wonder why my penis has shit for brains.  At the same time I wonder, “what if?”  Would this make me miserable in reality or would the depth of subspace overwhelm me and help me thrive?

The “what if?” tugs at me… and makes me wonder if I am stupid to even think about this or if there is a chance that I would end up with this sort of sadist at some point.   In any case, I can’t help but be scared at how far my brain goes down the rabbit hole.


19 thoughts on “249. My Needs vs. Desires

  1. “What if she deems the pleasure she receives from denying me more meaningful than anything that could be “gained” out of granting me my desires?”
    – I relate to this so much! This is what drives MB’s desire to keep me in a constant ruined O state.

    Thanks for sharing, fc!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think if the two needs you listed were being met, you would be good. As long as she loved you everything else should fall into place.

    It is possible to overthink sometimes and get lost in the land of “what ifs”. When you find your sadist, enjoy the journey and trust the love my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is something that I have thought about a lot and I can find myself really bogged down. I have had to create a need in order to make submission work for me. It took a lot to make myself needy and it puts me in a vulnerable position where it is easy to be let down. I used to protect myself by making sure that my needs were limited and could be met by myself but this is something that I had to change. I do feel that as soon as you are meeting your own needs, the desire for the other person to do that shifts and fades so the are closely linked for me. I think that I see them more as needs and wants and they form a circle where they spark off each other; ultimately most needs stem from desires or wants.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Missy.
      I know for me that it is hard to separate them at times, especially when contrasting my vanilla self and my submissive self… but at the same time I have come to require very little from a maintenance standpoint. I don’t necessarily thrive, but I can exist without struggles, if that makes any sense.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Precisely this. When I talk about being worried about losing my Self, this is a major part of it. I feel guilty for asking for needs and wants to be met. I worry that as we continue to evolve, HD’s Domspace will feed on deeper submission and, at some point, my needs won’t be met anymore. I don’t think I could survive if my needs become optional. Buuuut, I also think you were quite correct when you said that in healthy relationships, those needs and desires are frequently met. So it may not be as much of a concern as I am making it out to be.

    My point is that you are expressing the same thoughts I have, the same fears, and the same concerns. (Although in a much more articulate way.) I wonder if it’s a natural component of submission? We give over so much control, and if the Dominant in question isn’t careful s/he can easily lose sight of our needs and desires.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Do you find yourself unable to shift needs into desires? I think that is what has happened to me… I find fewer and fewer things integral to my existence. They are no longer needs.

      I do think this is natural, at least in F/m. I find when M/f goes deep down this path it can often go off the rails, but that is based upon my experience reading bloggers. Whether it blows up or not seems to be dependent upon if the dominant sees you “as enough.” I find a lot of it goes awry when they start feeling like they want more than one person can offer. As long as it stays a monogamous thing, I wouldn’t worry about it too much.


      1. So far I haven’t, but I am also a neophyte. I’ve read quite a bit, but I haven’t explored much, and HD and I are only a little over a year into our relationship. Over a longer time period, perhaps that would happen.

        I wonder if the difference between F/m and M/f in this regard is due to the variances between genders as far as emotional and mental processing. It’s been proven with science that male and female brains think differently, so perhaps that is the reason that in M/f relationships, this kind of progression becomes a disaster.
        Um. Well. We’ve had an…experience…with poly/swining attempt already. Talk about a dumpster fire…. But HD has always seen me as enough. At least, he’s always told me that I am, and continues to do so.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. From what I know, M/f is more prone to plateauing. A lot of the advancements tend to be brought up by the sub. In F/m, once the relationship reaches a certain point, the advancements tend to come from the Domme. There is likely a difference in processing on some level. I have seen a lot of male subs who tend to become more and more submissive the more they are diminished. When I read about this happening with female subs, they tend to get into crisis mode and struggle. Again, these are generalizations, but ones based upon what I have been exposed to.


  5. This is a very thought-provoking post, furcissy! As I consider my own needs versus desires, I realize that I am not anywhere near the same submissive mental space that you are in. I do want to please Daddy…but there is still so much that I would consider a need…especially with regard to sex and orgasming. I think I will share your post with Daddy this week as part of my assignment so we can talk about needs versus desires. Thank you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Nora.
      I tend to slide deep because of how I view my self-worth. People who are healthier on that front tend to be able to hang onto those things more tightly because they feel deserving and worth it. When you have those feelings, it is a lot harder to give them up.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for sharing. I have been with that sadist as well and I find it very intriguing how certain desires clash with others, often in a mental vs. physical way. I think it changes a lot if you are able to remain in a sustained submissive mental space or not, but in many cases I agree with you.

      Take care.


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