274. Failing

When I felt the depression creeping in I told myself that I would stay active.  I would stay in touch.  I would keep writing.  I would keep chatting.  I would keep reading.  I would keep leaving comments.

Unfortunately I am not doing well with any of these original goals.  I feel like I am falling off the planet, retreating into watching shows and reading so that I don’t think about anything and don’t feel anything.  I am numb.

I do not have access to the feelings that sustain me and this is bothering me.

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20 thoughts on “274. Failing

  1. Listen little man, you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You have more than a lot of people. You have a job that is paying the bills, a solid roof over your head, your health and people who care about you. Stop being so pathetic and focus on the good stuff. You are an intelligent, funny, caring individual.

    Yes you are also sad and broken and have odd kinks. You get off on wearing sissymuffs and hats with ridiculously large Pom Poms. I mean really fc, not even a women would wear the things you do. Although, I really would enjoy seeing you in that extremely short pink skirt that you own….. in fact if I had my hands on you right now I’d make you wear the entire outfit.

    Then I would bend you over my knee and give your ass a good seeing to! I wouldn’t stop smacking it until your cheeks were beyond red and you were begging me to stop. And then for good measure I would put you in nipple clamps and yes, a butt plug to match that stick you have up your ass right now. And I would lock you in the closet until you were feeling more agreeable about things.

    Bottom line is you are loved and wanted. So snap out of it, little one. We all want our furcissy back.

    Liked by 5 people

  2. One of the hardest things when depressed is keeping up with things. Depression saps a person’s will and energy to do things. “I do not have access to the feelings that sustain me” This is not surprising to me, depression messes with everything. My husband has a favorite mantra for when either of us is depressed, “chop wood, carry water,” meaning don’t worry about the big stuff, just focus on the necessities. Are you getting to work, bathing and eating regularly? Count any of that as wins. You came out of hiding and wrote this post and connected with all of us, that’s a win! Struggling is not failing, giving up is. I know you have high expectations for yourself, but try to focus on the little wins. Use that fire that SG lit under your butt (too bad not literally 😉) to help with your motivation. Big hugs (and a solid swat on the bum). I hope you are feeling better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Beth.
      I have been dealing with depression for so long that I know not to let my life fall apart because of it. I go to work (even going in early and staying late), bathe at least once a day if not more, eat, work out, etc. I can tread water indefinitely.

      I think I am more disappointed that things were feeling pretty good for a while and now I am feeling stuck in the shit and unable to stay motivated enough to keep up with what made things feel good in the first place.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You sound like you have high function depression https://themighty.com/2017/05/signs-of-high-functioning-depression-or-dysthymia/. You also sound like you have depression cycles, which means you may be feeling like crap right now, but you will get back to a higher functioning state, and then do it all over again. Sooner or later you will pull out of this (hopefully sooner), try to be patient with yourself. I know you will keep working at it because that is your nature. Meanwhile there are a bunch of us here to support you and listen, and give you advice you probably already know, lol.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Generally, I have assumed that I have cyclothymia as that was theorized by one of the last decent therapists I had (who diagnosed me with situational depression). I mostly just wish to accelerate my cycle because I am aware of all of the positive feelings that I am missing from my life at this time. They poofed when the cycle took its downswing and I hope it will pendulum the other way soon.

          Take care.

          Like

  3. Oh Cissy, I’m right there with you. Since Thanksgiving weekend I’ve fallen down that rabbit hole myself.

    Thank you for talking about it & reminding me that I’m not the only one who struggles sometimes. ❤❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Kat. Still in a bad place but I am at a NYE party for the next hour or two. Keeping up on social obligations isn’t so bad for me, more so keeping the rest of life feeling good and interesting.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

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