My last two posts, A Pragmatic View from a single male submissive and Small Doubts seem to have gotten a bit of discussion going both in comments and via private contact. A couple of discussions today found me wanting to elaborate more upon this and how it affects things in the D/s world in general.
One of the reasons that I don’t really understand Femdom stereotypes is that I see a Domme’s power as nearly limitless. She has the ability to dictate reality, create definitions, and shape everything around her views. In general, a male sub that courts a Domme cannot influence this and he must adapt to the reality that she has created. When a Domme’s views do not line up well with a sub’s views, it isn’t a very good fit, but he still may choose to compromise himself and accept her reality. If he disagrees, she can simply walk and move onto one of the other thousand sub men that wrote to her this week.
While there are many different views and philosophies on D/s, the only one that really matters in this process is hers. This is the reality of the world when you are within it.
An easy example of this is the topic of blowjobs. You may encounter Dommes that see giving oral sex to a man to be subservient and so she sees never giving oral sex as her dominant choice. In this case, withholding oral sex is dominant.
You may encounter Dommes that see giving oral sex to a man as the ability to exert total control over his pleasure. She can edge him, deny him, make him ache, beg, and whimper, and in the end, she has full control over whether he experiences the pleasure of an orgasm or remains stewing in a state of sexual frustration. If she permits him to ejaculate, she can choose what happens with the semen, direct where it goes, use it to humiliate him, or whatever she can think of. She can choose to ruin the orgasm. She can continue to palm him after his ejaculation, causing him to writhe and thrash around in agony. Ultimate control. In this case, giving oral sex is dominant.
So which is true? They are both true. Each Domme has the power to decide how dominance is defined and what is dominant in her world.
Another example is eye contact. One Domme may wish to peer directly into her sub’s eyes, watch his reactions, and look into his soul. Another Domme may prohibit any kind of eye contact from her sub and punish him if he looks her in the eyes. What dominance is, is her choice.
This is one of the great perks that Dommes may enjoy in this lifestyle that no one else gets to. Male dominants cannot exert this kind of control as submissive women still hold considerable leverage during the courting phase. Unless the population ratio shifts so dramatically that Dommes begin to outnumber male subs or the ratio becomes close to 1:1, this is a privilege that will likely continue.