288. Thoughts on Contexts and Embarrassment

A recent conversation with a blogging friend has made me realize just how obsessed I am with explaining myself.  I find myself constantly unable to share something without needing to link it to all parts involved.  By itself, it is too embarrassing and shameful for me to face.  By itself… out of context… what would someone else think.

When I think about it, I realize that this falls at the root of my obsessive need to understand myself.  This is why I feel so unsettled if I don’t understand an aspect of personality or my submission.  I need to know “why” I am how I am.  There needs to be a reason.

In most cases, the reasons are outside of my control.  This makes me fear that I may be attempting to subconsciously control the narrative.  I explain it in such a way that the reader can understand the process of being and connect the dots in front of them so that they can sympathize with my situation.  My narrative makes me into the victim and the outcome was beyond my control.

I cannot accept how I am unless it was beyond my control.

Occasionally I encounter someone with the ability to see through me.  They parry the smoke and mirrors and avoid my misdirection before carving straight into my core.  They see what I am and don’t care about the reasons.  They see the truth that I am terrified to face.

I am so afraid of being pathetic that I cannot mention something that turns me on without rational explanation of where it comes from.  Within context, I am acceptable.  Take that context away and I am truly pathetic.  This makes me want to cover my face and hide from the world.

The Dommes I have served have prevented this.  They have pulled my hands away both figuratively and literally, restraining them when they had to.  They have forced me to look at myself in the mirror both figuratively and literally, without the cloud of context to protect me.  They have forced me to see the face of the pathetic boy that I am and watched me tremble and sob when faced with the truth of myself.  They wanted to see how truly pathetic I am, which in turn, allowed me to let go.

Who else would own me but them?  Who else would want me but them?  Who else would keep me but them?  “No one.” The words would fall from my lips as I trembled and twitched, nodding with them to show them that I understood.  If I hesitated for an instant, she would ask if she needed to take me to the mall all dressed up and have the lady shoppers remind me of the answer.

The bombardment of truth would continue.  On and on, the trembling would increase each time I answered back and nodded.  This was my mental training.  It would continue until I would break and burst into tears.  This was the sign that I knew everything she said was true to the core of my being.  This was me being put in my place.  I knew that I was hers… and I loved her for it.

While choking back the tears she would remind me that this is how she wanted me.  This state was the only time I was allowed an orgasm.  My only sexual pleasure happening only after I could accept the truth… uncolored by context.  I lived this way for years.

What I have learned is that context is a privilege.  Revealing myself with context is just as honest as doing so without it.  Removing it is just so terrifying… but it affects me so deeply.


15 thoughts on “288. Thoughts on Contexts and Embarrassment

  1. You are lucky to have found people who treated you this way. I think it is difficult to self-analyze and do it honestly. And yet I have come to the realization that I can’t really figure out why I like what I like. So I just accept it and myself. I’m not always proud though. But I’m always me!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Michael. I am able to figure it out, but it is like without having that buffer, I cannot be comfortable with who I am. I may outgrow that at some point, but at 15 years and counting, I’m not sure how likely that will be.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. There is nothing wrong with full expression and if you feel the need to add more context then please do so. Trying to explain a human behavior is like explaning math. Everything informs something else. Plus my dear F… growth only comes with understanding and learning

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Em. It is a strange balance, almost like I need to exist within a comfort zone for equilibrium but then I also crave to have one person that will tear me from it.
      Take care.


  3. To some extent, aren’t all bloggers obsessed with explaining themselves? I certainly feel that way when I sit down to type.
    I do not think you–or any other blogger who writes about their personal life/perceptions/thoughts/etc. are obsessed. We are merely introspective individuals who gain understanding through processing our experiences and ideas. By verbalizing (or in this case, digitizing) our understandings, we are able to dive deeper into our own psyches. This allows us to look at our environments with new paradigms, and thus we expand our conceptualizations of the world around us. Nothing wrong with that, it’s just a different style of learning. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think we explain ourselves frequently when we fear how we are perceived. I found that writing this post put me into a very anxious state, full of insecurity, but sinking into submissive mental space for the first time in a while. In the end I know that both sides I covered are true. Ideally I would like to reach a point of emotional honesty where I don’t feel the need to have a reason for EVERYTHING.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I have had discussions with many people (including my son) on vanilla topics I may add .. but around a similar context..

    I spent years behaving in a certain way that was ‘expected’ and eventually after counseling and support from MrH I stopped acting a part and settled into myself …. I still do act at times … In the workplace etc but not as much as I did previously.

    My son needs to explain everything. A recent discussion about a book for example… We have both read it… I said I didn’t like it . He asked why… I simply replied because I didn’t like it .. I didn’t enjoy reading it…

    He wanted me to expand to explain my reasons.. to analyse the writing … And I just replied I don’t need to justify it … I didn’t like it ..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, SwG. For much of my life I have maintained tastes outside of the mainstream and had to justify them due to being constantly questioned. The habit became to justify everything. When it came to feelings I was always searching for reasons when I felt bad, because that gave my life a sense of order and an understanding that I could accept. I am sure it would be easier if I could just be.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s