289. Vulnerable the day after

For those who have been following, I have been struggling to write for most of December and into this new year.  Part of my depression is that I have trouble formulating focused and coherent thought chains from start to finish.  I would try to blog, get 75% of a post done, realized how badly it had derailed, and then would trash it without finishing it, its original message lost along the way.  That is frequently the case when I try to force myself to write.  After going through intense phases where writing is my primary hobby, having it stop abruptly leaves me feeling lost.

Last Friday or so, I finally found myself able to write a complete post after a random thought triggered some inspiration.  The post wasn’t personal by any means and it seemed to signify a crumbling of the mental wall that had blocked me in for the past month.  This is usually the first sign that my depression cycle is lessening on the path to recovering and it kicked off a series of posts that were a return to the volume that many of my readers are accustomed to.

Something didn’t quite feel right though.  While the cobwebs were clearing from my mind, I still felt a barrier with reaching my deeper feelings.  In an attempt to force their return I started writing about topics that make me feel uncomfortable and vulnerable to talk about.  I was only able to skim the surface.

Until yesterday.  Yesterday I razed myself to the ground… and the feelings returned.

I broke my own will, pushing myself to view me in a light that I didn’t want to.  Today I feel a little bit fucked up inside.  Today I feel vulnerable.  I guess this is what I wanted.

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9 thoughts on “289. Vulnerable the day after

  1. I am sure I am not alone in that my best writing comes from my most vulnerable states. Maybe you needed to break yourself down to get to the juicy tidbits lurking behind your walls, and only by feeling vulnerable can you do that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know that forcing vulnerability helps my emotions thaw much more quickly. It is still a bit unnerving though, especially when yesterday’s post got a lot fewer likes and comments with the same number of views as the previous posts.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hm. That is curious. I’ve noticed mine are like that sometimes, I think there are times that people just don’t have anything to say or they don’t know what to say in response to the content. I’ve liked a few and thought, “oh, I’ll come back to that and make a say _____” but when I go to do it, I’ve lost the thought.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I think a lot of it has to do with sympathy vs. empathy. I have noticed that when I reveal something I deem terribly embarrassing that I tend to get more comments than average with people trying to be supportive. In this case, I don’t think I am the only one that wishes to control the narrative and I have to wonder if this may have led to discomfort, either that or people just don’t know what to say 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

        2. Could be. Sometimes it takes me a few days to figure out what I want to say, and then I’ll go back and post on an entry. I’ve done that with a few of yours because I have to process the information first. Otherwise I end up rambling like an idiot. 😛

          Liked by 1 person

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