Submissy’s post on roleplay today inspired some thoughts.
I have known a number of people who are very anti-roleplay. They see it as fake. False. Pretend. Impure. Pure fantasy. Catering to the wrong desires. Etc.
I get it, but I don’t get it. You don’t truly know something until you have experienced it. You have no true frame of reference. You may have inklings, feelings, or instincts. You don’t really know.
Most submissives have years and years of fantasies behind them before they ever enter the lifestyle. Dominants frequently do not have this luxury. The process of maturing tends to teach us how to be unselfish, generous, forgiving, and patient. Behaving contrary to those ideas is treated negatively. Even someone who easily embraces dominance, they still have years of conditioning about how they should and shouldn’t be.
This is especially imposing to newer dominants. They turn to references to get an idea of how they are “supposed” to be. In F/m this often intimidates and leads to extremely negative reactions against the stereotypes (that only really exist in porn).
This also leads to a lot of blindly fumbling around. Uncertainty. Insecurity. Fear. Hesitation. I don’t know what I am supposed to be like… I don’t know what is okay to be like. In the times when I have mentored newer dominants, I openly encourage them to use roleplay as a learning tool. Use it to gain experiences and create reference points for what they like and don’t like.
An example is something like this:
Imagine you are the Queen (and there is no King). You are the supreme ruler. You exist in a state of pampered luxury with servants tending to your every need. Anything that you want is at your finger-tips. You may order anyone to do anything. No one may defy you. If someone displeases you there may be consequences. You are the law. There are rituals and protocols about how people must interact with you. They revere you. They respect you. They fear you. This is your entitlement and right.
In 99% of cases, this is a completely foreign experience. It requires imagination to fully grasp it, use it, and enjoy it. Even those in high level managerial positions have accountability and consequences. Someone can get accustomed to behaving in this way, but the first time? You could choose to play it by feel… asking for reassurances… is this okay? Is that okay? Can I ask for this? Or you could choose to fake it. If I had lived this way my whole life… what would I act like?
So you fake it. You behave in a way that is not you. It is someone else. You pretend it is you. You gain experience. You gather your feelings and reactions. You learn. You see what you like. You make mental notes. You start to enjoy yourself. You start to feel it.
You fake it until it becomes real.
You don’t know until you try. I see tremendous value in this. False confidence can become real. Pretend attitudes can become real. Good stuff.