Working on the third arc of fs02 has reminded me of something. I am absolutely fascinated by sadistic women. It’s not that sadism fascinates me, I accept that it exists along with masochism.
What intrigues me are the people that acknowledge that they are sadists. I’m probably going to struggle expressing the root of this but I will do my best. When you think about submissives, there are the people who have a submissive (adjective) vanilla personality and are submissives (noun). They make absolute sense. There are also the people who have a confident or even dominant (adjective) vanilla personality and are submissive (noun). While this type may puzzle some, it’s pretty much the norm in lifestyle F/m and becomes a lot easier to understand if you look at being a submissive as a sexual orientation.
Basically, I assume that a person’s public personality and their D/s role are independent of one another.
When you look at a sadistic Domme, it’s easy to envision part of her at a time. It becomes very difficult to envision all of her at once. There is a side of her that gets off on inflicting suffering. However, this drive to inflict suffering doesn’t make her stop loving her sub. In those moments there must be (at least) two streams of thoughts.
- The desire to see them squirm, scream, whimper, ache, or whatever.
- The desire to keep the same, stay within acceptable limits, and so on.
When I immerse into my submissive mental space, everything else sort of falls away. While some acts may make me outwardly focused and others force my focus inward, I feel more like my thought stream works in binary way. Submission is on or off. Depending upon the position of that switch I will have one stream of consciousness or another. When I get completely absorbed in one, I cannot be the other.
I guess I just have trouble envisioning the parallel streams of consciousness that must exist in a sadist. From my experiences, when they exist in their dominant mental space they will aroused both by inflicting suffering but also by romantic gestures and displays of love and adoration. There must be both a harsh side and a tender side working simultaneously. I have to wonder if they struggle for power or if they work in harmony with one another.
Also in my experiences I have seen an abrupt change in the consciousness that is “at the wheel.” After I had just spent 45 minutes screaming and thrashing around while chained to a bed, she removed my gag and my first words were, “I love you.” It surprised me when she broke down in tears and spooned with me for an hour. That was my first glimpse into it.
That was over 10 years ago and I’m still fascinated.
I don’t know. These are just some random thoughts.