341. Something Feels Off

Today I feel off.  I thought it might have been just waiting for the caffeine to kick in but I’m pretty certain that isn’t it.  This weekend I squashed the mania.  A situation arose that brought out some hostility in me and I chose to bury it rather than feed it.  I turned it inward and let it swirl around and eat at me.  I found something else to occupy my thoughts.

While reading Exit to Eden I found myself almost unnaturally drawn into the emotional conflicts going on.  I’m not sure if the story was just that intriguing, but I believe it was for other reasons.

Part of my mania is that I start chasing external gratification and validation.  At some point in there I stopped feeling useful.  Whenever I stop feeling useful I tend to start hating myself.  The danger of my mania is that its appetite gets bigger and bigger as it goes.  It wasn’t a wrong choice to bury it.  The problem is that I’m left with this hole and a feeling of general malaise that doesn’t know what it wants or needs.

Right now I’m isolated in real life.  I still live with T but there really isn’t anything there nor has there been for a long time in regards to meaningful contact.  My best friend had a kid in November and I haven’t heard from him since two weeks before it was born.  My next best friend fell into his depression cycle and fell off the planet, insisting that this time he is “gone forever.”  He does this every fucking year.

The Domme I am close with is struggling.  I am struggling and I cannot help her.  When she is struggling she cannot help me.  It feels bad all around.

I ache so badly that I want to vomit.  If I could just feel useful I know this would go away.

I’m realizing more and more that my submissive ache isn’t craving play or things of that nature.  What I ache for is to feel useful.  I ache to feel needed.  I ache to know that I matter.

This is part of my weakness.  When people tell me that I’m strong I have learned to smile, nod, and say thank you, but deep down I feel like they are wrong.  What brings me strength is to feel useful.  I can’t tell if that’s pathetic or romantic on some level.

When I feel this lost I look to others to tell me who I am.  What they see is what must be true, because this hazy vision of myself feels blurry and out of focus.  I have learned to trust their eyes because I do not trust my own.

I know I will feel different soon, I just don’t know when.  I need that kick-start that reminds me of who I want to be.  Right now, I just can’t see it clearly or remember.

 

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28 thoughts on “341. Something Feels Off

  1. Hi Fur, I hope you feel better soon.
    I read this and wonder about you. I think you would be so perfect for some Woman out there and just don’t understand that it is hard to find that right person.
    I’m sorry but I know I am acting emotional but I just don’t get it. I also am sort of a romantic and believe a man needs a Woman and a Woman needs a man even in kinksville.
    I guess if I did not have my husband I would be lost. I know you will think I am pathetic for a Dom (if I actually am one) to say such a thing about a male.
    Feel better soon friend..
    D

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, D. I have found that special connection so I know that it is there. It is the meantime where I struggle.

      I don’t think being lost after losing the love of your life would make you pathetic. I did lose the love of my life and it is enough to break anyone, regardless of gender and role. I think everyone wants to feel loved to that extent.

      Take care.

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        1. You deserve all compliments of the world, Ms.Dixie. I’m not a wordsmith like our fiend Fur, but thank you very much that you kindly accepted it. Your inner beauty (which emanate from you blogs – I read the old one as well, thanks to Fur’s link) match beauty of drawning in your gravatar and vice versa. When I’m sad I like to move a cursor on it to enlarge it and when I’m…. happier. Thank you for your avatar and your writing. Please, do write more often, if you can.
          Best – Peter

          Liked by 2 people

        2. You’ve made me blush before my first cup of coffee, Peter.
          When I started blogging I set out to be honest and to be me, I think I have kept up with that. I never thought I would end up here…but when do things turn out the way we imagine? 🙂 I am glad you enjoy my writings.

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        3. Thank you very much, Ms.Dexie. When you have you first cup of coffee I have my last of tea. Sorry, if I disrupted/changed the morning habit getting you blush. There is nothing better like a cup of freshly brewed coffee first thing in the morning. But I’m very pleased and honoured that you blushed at my words. If you want to break your coffee habit from time to time or reduce intake of caffeine – here I am. I shall be your virtual barista seving politely freshly brewed pleasantries at 8.38 am.
          Yours truly ‘barista’- in- waiting –
          Peter

          Liked by 2 people

        4. Knock, knock Ms. Dixie, this is me – Peter – you ‘coffee boy’. I hope you slept well. I just want to ask you how would you like your coffee, the kettle is already on. Oh, you already sipping one. May I fetch you a cookie, then, or pour a glass of this amber ambrosia I brought in case you might like to spice up your morning brew. Sorry, you don’t drink in the mornings…., you blushing beautifully, it must be a strong coffee or something on the blog you just checking out. I’d better go, I don’t want to disturb you any more. Forgive me, please my linguistic ineptitude. I don’t speak your language well enough to entertain you. I’m just a coffee-boy. I’m leaving the bottle on the table – you may have guest(s) or you may want to try it. This isn’t an ordinary booze from the shop. This is ambrosia – drink of the gods. I learned about it from the old books, I may tell you about, if you let me in next time.
          Have a good day, Ms. Dixie. Keep writing you blog, keep reading others, especially the one which host us kindly and …. keep smilimg.

          Liked by 2 people

        5. 😊
          Oh, Peter, even coffee-boys have their uses. Don’t misunderstand, one can always do better, but rest assured you have entertained and made me smile.
          I do occasionally drink, I have never had ambrosia, though.

          I will keep reading, always, especially his words. 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Hello Fur, in previous post I tried a bit radical approach, because you mentioned ” a boot to ass sometimes helps”. I see it didn’t. I know life sucks sometimes, when it suks most of the time it’s really hard. I’m a really experienced man in good and bad things in my life. Much more bad things then god things I would say, including the lost of (few) beloved ones. Even now, I’m experiencing very hard times (not relevant to the main line of this blog, though). Try to compartmentalize your problems/sorrows. Let’s say that you can’t help in this very moment “the Domme you are close with” and you can’t help your friend who “fell off the planet”. But you can call and visit and congratulate the other friend with a new born kid. And maybe find some joy in his paternal joy or if he is in any trouble/needs try to help him. This is a trick that always help me. I try to abandon the troubles/sorrows I am deeply in and reach for something positive, even the thinniest, smallest, esoteric one. If there is nothing I could latch on I dive to “outer sorce of positiveness”, like friends, books, music, wonders of nature – whatever – jsut to keep my mind sane. But maybe I’m just a bit stronger then you in this or I can fool myself with these ‘proxy things’ – I don’t now, but it works. And I wish you the same! Take care! Your are an excellent writer – few times I was late to work reading your blogs.
    Did you like Bobby’s song?
    Peter

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Peter. I do try and reach out and help, especially when I am at my lowest. Feeling useful makes me feel stable. Making someone else smile makes me feel happy. There are feelings that I can’t defeat that I choose to run from (depression) because I know they are fake and will fade. There are others that I need to see through. Today was one of those days that I had to see through and I was able to get some clarity later this evening.

      Thank you for the words and for being here.

      Take care.

      Like

  3. You are very welcome, Fur! Anytime!
    You (and the others here) also helped me few times to clarify my thouths, to understand something. Yes, the future is not always bright but isn’t (and shouldn’t) be dark either. That why I like Bobby McFerrin’s song and many other poems/books about hope. I can’t honestly say: ‘love is all around’ because it isn’t, even on Valentine Day. But I know for sure that ‘hope is all around’. I did experienced it myself. I shall always reach for it.

    Liked by 1 person

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