Today I feel off. I thought it might have been just waiting for the caffeine to kick in but I’m pretty certain that isn’t it. This weekend I squashed the mania. A situation arose that brought out some hostility in me and I chose to bury it rather than feed it. I turned it inward and let it swirl around and eat at me. I found something else to occupy my thoughts.
While reading Exit to Eden I found myself almost unnaturally drawn into the emotional conflicts going on. I’m not sure if the story was just that intriguing, but I believe it was for other reasons.
Part of my mania is that I start chasing external gratification and validation. At some point in there I stopped feeling useful. Whenever I stop feeling useful I tend to start hating myself. The danger of my mania is that its appetite gets bigger and bigger as it goes. It wasn’t a wrong choice to bury it. The problem is that I’m left with this hole and a feeling of general malaise that doesn’t know what it wants or needs.
Right now I’m isolated in real life. I still live with T but there really isn’t anything there nor has there been for a long time in regards to meaningful contact. My best friend had a kid in November and I haven’t heard from him since two weeks before it was born. My next best friend fell into his depression cycle and fell off the planet, insisting that this time he is “gone forever.” He does this every fucking year.
The Domme I am close with is struggling. I am struggling and I cannot help her. When she is struggling she cannot help me. It feels bad all around.
I ache so badly that I want to vomit. If I could just feel useful I know this would go away.
I’m realizing more and more that my submissive ache isn’t craving play or things of that nature. What I ache for is to feel useful. I ache to feel needed. I ache to know that I matter.
This is part of my weakness. When people tell me that I’m strong I have learned to smile, nod, and say thank you, but deep down I feel like they are wrong. What brings me strength is to feel useful. I can’t tell if that’s pathetic or romantic on some level.
When I feel this lost I look to others to tell me who I am. What they see is what must be true, because this hazy vision of myself feels blurry and out of focus. I have learned to trust their eyes because I do not trust my own.
I know I will feel different soon, I just don’t know when. I need that kick-start that reminds me of who I want to be. Right now, I just can’t see it clearly or remember.