340. Thoughts on Love

When I was younger, I fell in love far too easily.  I was one of those idiot shy-when-it-comes-to-girls boys that frequently mistook kindness for interest.  It took a handful of heart-crushing rejections to learn that lesson.  The lesson was hard and it buried itself deep within me.  It carved itself in stone.

One of the problems that I’ve always had when it came to women is that I don’t just see who they are… I see their heart, their dreams, and who they could be.  Seeing this way can be painful at times when you encounter someone.  You see traces of who they were and the present version of themselves.  You see what they will be if left alone and what they would have been if not for the effects of the past.

When you encounter someone and read the history… you see the parts that are strong and the parts that have been weathered and worn by the erosion of life.  You see the parts that have been carved out of their hearts, leaving gaps and holes.  You see the scars left by the healing process and which ones were the result of natural full healing and what was quickly patched together with tape and cloth.  You see which wounds still bleed, too deep to heal on their own.

I know better than to try to be a shining knight.  I lost that pseudo-altruistic notion back in my youth when I realized I was doing it for myself instead of for them.  It took years of self-hatred and loathing at my own impure desires to rip that out of me.  What emerged from the process was a different person.  I tend to see more beauty in people, even when they themselves do not.  The paths that people take are often fascinating, especially the choices they make at critical junctions.  Sometimes they make the “right” and “best” choice.  Sometimes they make the choice that leads to hard lessons.  Sometimes they miss the lessons to be learned.  In any case, everyone is the accumulation of everything they have ever felt, done, believed, loved, and lost.  People are beautiful like that.

The me that emerged from the process was one that could see the then, the now, the will be, and the could be.  I became someone who restored people.  I don’t know why.  Probably because I felt that if I could see it and do something about it, that I had to.  I also wanted to.  I don’t know why.  It just felt right.  You can call it restoration.  You can call it refurbishing.  You can call it patching up the wounds.  It wasn’t about me, yet I would hurt when they would hurt and I would smile when I saw the damaged parts restored as good or better than new.  I would smile when I saw the future path steering towards a happier outcome.

As I got older, I never again mistook kindness as interest.  I avoided being swept away by women with awesome charisma and I learned to merely appreciate and respect how amazing that was without trying to love it.  I began to pursue love by gauging if someone had the capacity to love me.  The truth of it was is that most did not.  To choose me was to settle.  I didn’t want to be the one that tied someone down to a lifetime of mediocre equilibrium and regrets of what might have been.  This realization eroded me away and certain parts of me died inside.

It also forced me to get stronger.  It forced me to get better.  The pursuit of evolving was an obsession.  I of course continued to fail.  I wasn’t good enough to overcome my shortcomings.  I didn’t know if I ever would be, but I plowed on on the blind faith that there had to be a point where this was possible.  I didn’t know that for sure, I just had to keep believing.  If I had let myself lose that belief, I would be dead right now.

I see how different my perspective is from so many.  I have never experienced the “wrong kind of attention” to leave me jaded.  I have never had the relentless pursuit of others that caused me to stop trusting words.  I have never been swept away in the moment only to learn later that I was used and deceived.  I can’t tell if this makes me lucky or not.

I have known so many people who hesitate to love.  They fight against it, finding the feelings creeping into their heart and bypassing their armor disturbing and uncomfortable.  They get scared because the emotions are not within their control.  They struggle and and battle as their heart fights their rational mind and the painful lessons it has learned.  I have known too many people who had given up on love.  Given up on trust.  Given up that their hopes and dreams can remain intact.  That kind of thing makes me ache when I see it.  If I had given up, I would be dead right now.

Eventually someone found me.  Someone with the capacity to love me saw me.  They saw what I was and they chose me.  I remember that my heart exploded that day.  All the emotions I had bottled up rose to the surface.  I was able to just finally be.  By then I had learned not to hesitate.  I had learned to hold nothing back.  I had learned to throw all of myself into it because it was the only place in the world that I wanted to be.  I gave love freely because it’s a bottomless resource that will never run out.  I also felt it would be foolish to hold anything back as it would eventually lead to regret.

Eventually I lost them but their existence gave me proof that someone like them could exist.  It was no longer like hunting Big Foot.  This was no longer just a mythical creature whose existence I believed in on blind faith.

One of the advantages to being short and ugly is that I have absolute faith in the person that chooses me.  No one would ever pick me at random.  We always have history.  There’s always a process where I feel them digging into me and discovering all of the parts that are me.  When they find what they were looking for below the surface, I know what they want is true.  This gives me the confidence to charge in full bore and love with all that I am.  I have been called brave for doing this but I never view it as bravery.  I see it as the only way I know how.  It is the accumulation of experiences that makes me who I am.  It is the person that I am.  It is what I do.


27 thoughts on “340. Thoughts on Love

  1. Goddamn furs.
    You have no idea how truly beautiful ‘you’ are.
    You’re like a piece of artwork, some walk past never giving you a glance. They just see the every day, the paint, the colours. Those of us who know better and can see deeper, see the brush strokes, the tiny scratches in the paint from everyday wear and ageing. We see the time and the years the artist has taken to craft you. You are a work of art and precious. I hope your mistress cherishes you because I would.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This was deeply interesting to read. Man tears destroy my face.
    You seem to be very self-aware of your shortcoming as well as your advantages.
    It’s because of these aspects why I felt this piece of writing so relatable. Your experiences are quite sincere and open, I respect that.
    You should consider yourself quite lucky, I’ve reached the point where I’m convinced I’m cursed because I’m fully self-aware that I’m not an ugly person. Ego kicks with that sentence, believe me I know. Hence the loathing writer I am, cursed for eternity.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much. There is a side of me that is irreparably broken that I have battled to overcome for most of my life. The best that I can seem to do is fight it to a stalemate where I feel like my strengths are good enough but my shortcomings prevent me from having the freedom to choose. I actually don’t know if I’m ugly, but being an Asian male that was raised white there really isn’t a standard and yellow fever tends to only pertain to desire for Asian women. Being seen as asexual may as well be ugly though.

      In any case, it has been a continuous climb to try and overcome that.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you. I will keep trying. I suppose at some point I might grow enough as a human to have that confidence project more.

          I think some of these feelings are welling up because it’s almost Valentine’s day and it’s my first year single in quite a while.


  3. Hi Fur, wow, lay it all out there friend..
    I am feeling bad that (I feel) you don’t think you are a lovable person and a wonderful catch for some very lucky Woman.
    I have in the past felt I am not worthy of being lovable or can provide value to someone for periods of time so I think I understand. You describe others will never take the risk. Maybe they were beat down before and just don’t think its worth it..
    All I can say is if you keep making yourself feel valuable long enough thinks will change.
    I now know my worth as a Woman, I am so happy I endured things to find myself..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, D.
      The hesitation that I spoke of is something that I can understand but not necessarily something that I would agree with.

      I also know that I am lovable, but it tends to take a certain type of person at a certain stage in their life and with a certain amount of disappointment to be able to understand my value. Finding someone like that that is also actively seeking someone like me is a rarity.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I find it uncomfortable how much you put yourself down. You challenge others who do it while doing the same thing yourself. I think that part of you knows your worth and your beauty but the other part seems to fight it. I hope that you can make some peace soon 😊

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Missy. I don’t really consider it putting myself down when I try to view it as a pragmatic and honest assessment that I must consider when facing the world. (haha, feel free to tell me that I am rationalizing it).

      If I see myself differently, my understanding of how the world works and my simulations of scenarios and causality chains completely collapse. It’s a truth I’ve had to face because it’s the only one that gives things order.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am struggling with the ‘short and ugly’! It is not the first time you have said it but it’s hard as that is not how I see you. In fact that is not really how I see people at all. It just seems harsh. 😊

        Liked by 1 person

        1. The short part is because while I am 3” taller than average for my race, I am 3” shorter than the average male peers. If you don’t think that matters, feel free to check out 20 or so profiles on a site like collarspace in my area and tell me that a third of them don’t have a height requirement. Height is probably the last thing you would consider being involved in happiness, but it is often one of the first filters people apply.

          The phrase is also a part of what one my ex’s friends said to her about me when she met me. She said “he’s short and fugly, why are you with him?”
          You live with people generally not being attracted to you and it is easier to assume that is what you are than to go in confidently and be shattered at every rejection. I chose my path as one to have goodness that transcends physical appearance. I choose people for what is on the inside but history has taught me that I am in the minority, so I brace for that. Labeling myself that way is kinder than having anyone else say it to me, and yes, they have.

          I appreciate that you value different things. That is also why I consider you a friend 🙂


        2. I am pleased about that. I suppose I have not been exposed to those sort of of people and I wouldn’t want to be. I can see that it works to brace yourself but better to be in an environment where that is not required. I don’t like to think of that being a reality as it seems so narrow minded and cruel of people to be like that.

          Liked by 1 person

        3. Thank you, Missy. Unfortunately that environment is inescapable as long as I do not have the current life where I could close off into a bubble. I try not to hate the player, I hate the game.

          Liked by 1 person

        4. I do see that. I guess I hope that being here where we don’t think like that will help but then I exist in a couple of bubbles really. I hope that one day things will change and you will be seen out there for the beauty that we all see 😊

          Liked by 1 person

  5. Well I remember you telling me how tall you were and you’re taller than me so that makes you ‘not short’. I take what you say about yourself with a ‘dose of salts’ as they say. You’re telling us what you think of you, we can’t have an opinion on that because we don’t know so I’m suspicious we would not have the same opinion of you as you have of you. And taking the opinion of one person that you are ugly and running with it does not mean everyone feels the same way.

    I don’t consider myself above averagely attractive by any means, so I am always foxed by the attention I receive (I don’t get it). But you’ve already decided that I am, and you have no idea what I look like. So we’re even, in a round about sort of way. 😉

    I just thought I’d throw that in there. I will reply as promised to the other conversations tomorrow. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the call out. I was felling really down earlier and swamped with a lot of negative emotions. Getting a boot to the ass helps.

      For the record, it wasn’t just one person, but 12 or so. Enough to where it was safer for me to guard myself hiding behind a belief. I’m definitely not a quasimodo or anything, but I have never had anyone be interested in me for anything but my mind and the way that I love. The fact that I was never able to get a vanilla girlfriend was always a source of upsetting insecurity to me.

      As for decision, I’m just going off of your blog posts. Well, that and the mental picture that I get from reading the words from our comments, etc.. The picture they paint are of someone confident and desirable. So that is what my mind believes.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Words are very powerful. They build a picture where everything else is absent. I kind of like that mysteriousness that comes with blogs that don’t have any tangible evidence of the person beind the words. Some of the most attractive people I have ever met have been as shallow as hell, boring, no interests, no drive or ambition. They can also be terrible in bed and that’s worse. They may look nice but if there’s nothing else, looks mean nothing and provide nothing for relationships. xx

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you. I always joke that I built myself for the “long haul.” A couple of female friends both in high school and college would tell me that I was “marriage material, not date material” and to give it a few years and not let it get me down. It’s always been a battle, seeing as certain things get your foot in the door to prove that long-run self while others get you immediately banished to the platonic hell of the friend zone for eternity. I have tried to always look deeper because I knew that others had to look deeper inside of me. I think in a lot of ways I sabotaged myself by refusing to flirt with someone for the wrong reasons or give compliments that I thought were shallow. It took until I saw their inner beauty and by then, it was usually too late as they had already removed my piece from the board.

          Take care.

          Liked by 1 person

  6. Hello Fur, hello everyone! This is Peter speaking.
    I alwys praised you, Fur since I started commenting on your blogs but today you made me sad and angry, so I have to say loudly and you better listen carfully!!! I’m sad when someone (especially dear to me) suffer and I’m angry when this suffering is fuel by unnecessary, entirely wrong perception. You are wrong, wrong, young man!!! Even if you think otherwise! Go to the corner, now and think why you are wrong and what to do to prove that you are wrong. You have to stay there facing the wall! You can have you laptop there in case someone will write you right now and you would have to answer. And you have my permision to find on youtube famous Bobby McFerrin’s song – you know which one. And you are about to listing to it time and time again. And tomorrow you have to post something more positive. That’s it! Have a good, reflective time in the corner, young mam!
    Thank you very much Dear Friends who written so whole-heartedly above. We all feel for our young man, so some corner time and McFerrin’s song will make no harm to him. Let’s hope he will be fine tomorrow.
    Respect to all of you!
    I would never dream that I become a Dom, especially in these circumstances. Such a power rush, ha, ha.
    Goodnight, everyone! Fur, you are still staying there! Did you find a song?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Peter. I’ve been working through some really sloppy feelings lately and emotional confusion that I’m unaccustomed to. It’s usually so easy for me to see what is wrong and know that it’s just depression or being denied sub mental space or something of that nature.

      I have been working through it for most of the day and I seem to be moving through it and past it and things are making sense again. Unfortunately I’m not a big Bobby McFerrin fan, but I know what you are talking about 🙂

      Take care.


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