345. Born from Denial?

I have a friend that I met on kik a while back that I think is absolutely fascinating.  She is 2nd generation BDSM and was indoctrinated into the principles of the lifestyle in her mid-teens.  I don’t plan on getting into any sort of moral debate or commentary about that.  BDSM was presented in a completely non-sexual way, more as a means of achieving the euphoria of adrenaline/endorphin-based subspace.

She has no mental space.  She is submissive but also is adept at topping.  She has no submissive mental space and no Domspace.  I find this particularly intriguing.  Submission and play doesn’t arouse her.  Her aroused state is as normal.  There isn’t that submissive/arousal connection that most associate with submissive mental space.  The drive is purely chasing the chemically-driven state from play.

While conversing with her this evening on this subject something just sort of clicked in my head.

Last week I posted about Thoughts on Life-Shaping Events and D/s and Thoughts on Kink Formation: How do we become what we are?  I feel like this is an extension of this.

What if our mental spaces develop in the same way as fetishes?

For most, they discover kink at some point in time, explore it in sexual fantasy, feel guilty/ashamed about it and have no one to talk to, and bury it deep within them, feeding it when it needs to be fed.  This is pretty much how fetishes are made.

This friend of mine always had someone to talk to about it.  She felt comfortable with it.  She accepted it.  She never felt ashamed of it.

While many people eventually reach that point, for most, it is only after they have had 5, 10, or 20 years of denying themselves their desires and the shameful and guilty feelings that accompanied them.

This leads me to question, if people were comfortable with it from the get go, would these mental spaces still have surfaced within them?  I can’t answer this question from a sample size of one.  What I can say is that from a sample size of hundreds, we hear similar stories.  Desires from youth, reading particular novels or seeing certain imagery, arousal, guilt, secret, shame, and boom, they surface at some point as a dominant or submissive with an ingrained fetish for what was once taboo in their minds.

In some ways, I don’t think this is all bad.  Sadists who lose their humanity can become something evil.  I feel like the guilt and shame factors tend to keep this in check and it may actually be slightly better in the long-run.  I’m not sure though.

This is just a theory.  It makes me wonder though about the origins and how desires become obsessions for some and not for others.  The way most people become a dominant or submissive tends to feel a lot like how people develop fetishes.  I have to wonder if that is how our mental space splits off and becomes its own persona.  We divide off our fantasy half because we don’t want to accept that it is us.  Then, when we finally are able to do it without shame, we reconnect with that persona.

Any thoughts?

8 thoughts on “345. Born from Denial?

  1. I have heard of people like this. The few i know were either second generation or they had been in the life for so long that they were able to learn ‘self’ i believe if everyone took the time to truly learn themselves they may have a similar outcome.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Em. I have not met many second generation kinksters. I think that self requires a complete acceptance of self. People need to be able to move past the fear and previous negative experiences and that isn’t always easy.

      Take care.


  2. I’ve never experienced mental space. I probably haven’t had the right experiences – maybe that’s to come. I’ve also never felt any guilt despite all the other experiences I have had in my life which make up the other elements of my personality. As for arousal, the jury’s still out on that one. I need to think about it a bit more but I’m not seeing much of a connection for me. I could very well change my opinion of this though. Watch this space.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for sharing. The spaces on each side often show up with feeling sets and associations. On the sub side it is often vulnerability that surfaces. On the dominant side it is often “permission” to unleash the beast and to give into desires. I know that my desires were born at 11-12 and they were enveloped in shame.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I am very much like your friend. I am only really aroused sexually by moments of emotional intimacy, so rarely does it happen without a sense of sensuality in scene. Most of the play I crave is for the high and is pain based. I believe this is based on trauma from my childhood, where I would disconnect after being punished. This was a great blog, fur.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Rhiannon. It is wired so differently than me. I can get aroused by doing dishes if it feels like part of my submission and I am in mental space. I find it fascinating when people experience submission in a completely different way. I am not the type that ever craves physical pain even if the reasons behind it may trigger me.

      Thank you for sharing.


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