I was asked a question by a Domme friend today about whether or not I thought fellatio was a submissive act or not. She had read a blog from a newer Domme that is ecstatic at the prospect of never having to do it again and felt that giving fellatio was submissive. I was asked for my thoughts on this subject. This is actually something I had thought about quite a bit in the past. My view on fellatio being submissive or dominant is this: Dealer’s choice.
I can see both sides. I believe most women that view fellatio as a submissive act says a lot to do with their history and experiences with it. It usually means that they have plenty of experience with having to do it when they didn’t want to, didn’t like it, and in some cases, where there was no reciprocation of any kind. They see fellatio as something that they would never choose to do on their own, so it becomes something they only do when they “have” to. In this way I can understand the view of it being submissive.
As for fellatio as a dominant act, I actually first heard this point of view before I entered the lifestyle. I was 22 or 23 and having a discussion with a woman friend about oral sex. I had stated that I would never want a woman to give me a blowjob because I felt it was degrading. She countered that to her, it was empowering. It put her in control. His genitals became her toy and she could play with it however she wanted… guide it however she wanted… deny it however she wanted. She could make it feel good or bad and control everything about it. It was an eye opening perspective to me. I experienced this first hand with my 2nd Domme, F. I was chained down to the bed and quite helpless when I received my first blowjob. Before she put her mouth upon it her final words were, “if you dare cum in my mouth I will whip it until it bleeds.” She then proceeded to bring me to the edge in about 3 seconds. This was a total surprise for me since I have solid endurance (I can have sex for several hours without cumming) and often I get frustrated at having it take 20 minutes to rub one out. In 3 seconds she reduced me to a state of total desperation and all of my attention and efforts quickly shifted to simply trying to hold back and save my genitals from pain and torture. If I lifted my hips she would slap my thigh. If I got too relaxed she would twist my nipples until I was squirming. She would keep me at the edge for 10 or 15 minutes until I was a sobbing wreck… and then stop, leaving me quivering and humping the air while she laughed at me. In this case, fellatio was definitely an act of dominance.
This got me thinking also about cunnilingus. A common theme of Femdom is cunnilingus. I have to believe that cunnilingus as dominance evolved in much the same way as fellatio as a sign of submission. Many women prefer cunnilingus to sex. Many women are lucky if they ever got decent oral, let alone enough of it. Thus, cunnilingus and being sexually fulfilled becomes dominance.
The thing is, I don’t see the act of cunnilingus as submissive. I see it as confidence. I see it as empowerment. I see it as devotion. I see it as love. Cunnilingus is a skill that can be mastered with practice and effort. It isn’t determined by the genetic lottery. It doesn’t care how pretty you are. It is an action you can finely hone and revise until you reach perfection. When perfected, you feel like you were created by science to pleasure a woman. That is a powerful feeling.
From all of this I can see the unifying theme that makes oral sex a sign of dominance. It is not the act itself but is the ability to order it whenever you want it that makes it dominant. It is the ability to order it regardless of whether or not the sub wants to do it and regardless of whether they take pleasure from it. While people might not agree on the act itself, I feel that this aspect is hard to argue against.