364. Alone in a Crowd

I had been a bit bummed that I haven’t had much on my mind that I felt like writing about lately.  Today I found something and I have to say that I would rather not have something to write about.

“Alone in a crowd.”  People who experience this feeling know exactly what I’m talking about.  You are surrounded by people but feel disconnected.  It feels solitary.  it feels like you are there but not a part of it.  You don’t feel like it is where you belong.  That makes it feel worse.  When these feelings spiral you start wondering if it is you that doesn’t fit or if it’s everyone else.  The rational percentages say that there’s only one conclusion to that line of thought.  What is more likely, that 19 people are strange or 1?

I’ve stopped trying to fit in with general crowds.  That alleviated a lot of burden.  Back when I was drinking and doing drugs it was easy for me to just cut loose and be the life of the party.  Since I no longer do that, I would rather just stay away.  The problem for me is that I seem to feel the same kind of awkwardness when I try to immerse in almost any kind of kink community.  I feel like by and large, I see the world through a different lens.  I see dominance, submission, kink, and fetish differently than others.  I don’t know why that is.  Often it feels like even if I do share a point of view, my behavior differs greatly.

While I occasionally connect with individuals, it feels almost inevitable that I will end up feeling alone in the crowd.

I think what makes it feel worse is that when I approach places from this side of myself, it isn’t like when I approach them from a vanilla perspective.  I don’t just say, “fuck ’em,” and contently walk away.  From this place, it makes the isolation feel worse and I always feel weaker than I did before I tried to branch out.

Maybe I’m just not supposed to.  The blogging world is the only place where I feel like I really connect with people.  It’s probably because we put so much of ourselves out there and when you see someone that has, you trust that they are genuine.  You have seen varying facets of them and not just crafted images and constructs.  When you connect here, even when you share the same circle, it never feels like a crowd.  It feels more like a collection of individuals that find each other interesting.  Why does that feel so much better?

28 thoughts on “364. Alone in a Crowd”

  1. It feels better because as you connect with them, they connect with you furs, they see you as you are, your insecurities, your fears, but also your strengths, your courage. They see the worst and the best of you and still they like you, encourage you, send you virtual hugs. Youre not alone in a crowd here. We see you furs and some of us do see kink the same way you do. Hugs.

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  2. I am much the same way. When I was working, when I was in school, whenever my friends had get-togethers of any sort…I always felt out of place. When I was in high school, I was the “wrong kind of weird” according to my “friends,” so I quit talking or sharing for the most part. I don’t know how to fit in and honestly, I’m too old to try. This is one of the reasons I haven’t attended any munches yet. They close ones are usually scheduled when HD is away and I am not comfortable going alone and I don’t talk much on my own.

    I think it’s easier to connect to people online because there’s less filtering necessary. Since people can’t see our faces or know where we live or could threaten our jobs, we feel safer to be who we are with fewer concerns over repercussions. We are free to be who we are without societal expectations on who we should be, and we are able to connect to those who appreciate our totality. It’s also a broader spectrum of people, so we are exposed to a greater variety of individual. This allows us to connect to more like-minded people in a way that is often not available in person.

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    1. Thank you, HH. It is hard because I struggle online as well if the environment isn’t conducive. I have found on places like fetlife, discussions in the very popular groups often end up as people just talking at each other without reading, considering, or asking/answering questions. I have found the same in online chats some of the time. When you study it long enough you start to see where people’s agendas are located and that isn’t always a friendly sight. Blogging seems to be the avenue where the majority of people are willing to discuss. That might have to do a lot with the fact that they can save what they have to say for topics that are relevant to them.

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      1. I tend to not comment much in discussion on Fet, except in SufferForMe, for many of the reasons you listed. The first time I was on Fet I was much more active, but I had friends on there who were talkative and that encouraged me to open up. It isn’t the same this time around, no one reads for comprehension, they just read to respond. It’s definitely demoralizing.
        I think you’re right about the blogging. People are more apt to engage in meaningful discourse because they put more effort into picking and choosing the topics that are interesting or relevant to them, whereas in groups on sites like Fet or in group chats the discussions are kinda there. Little to no effort is involved, so people are less inclined to be picky, and thus put forth less effort to engage in a meaningful way. (I think I muddied the explanation, oops.)
        Even in SFM I run into people who read what they want to read rather than what is being said. I’ve had to clarify my point when it was clear in the beginning because the owner read what he wanted to and not what I said. I think that’s why I feel more connected to people here on WP than on Fet. I feel more hears and appreciated.

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        1. I did make a serious effort a few times on Fet. I ended up feeling disgusted for forcing myself each time. It’s almost like groups are so big that no one gives a fuck about being an ass and relies on the admins to handle that or they have 0 traffic.

          The most bothersome trend to me is the “I don’t see how people can _________,” phrase, because it actually means, “I don’t know about _______, I don’t care about ______, I don’t want to learn more about ______, but I’m still going to state my biased negative opinion on it.” It ends u feeling really disappointing.

          I always end up just falling back on blogs.

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        2. Most of the groups on there are like that, which is why I am so hesitant to post anything in most of them. Mostly I only comment in SFM. So far, most of the people there seem to be open to differing viewpoints and experiences. There’s a lot of “I disagree because ____” or “For me, ____” and “My experience isn’t the same as yours because _______.” It’s a bit better than most other groups I’ve been in.

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  3. I think most of us who blog probably feel the way you do. We are free to be ourselves with the anonymity this platform provides. But then some in our blogging community become friends. We may even find deeper connections that lead us to pursue those friendships outside of blogging. I like when that happens.

    When I’m in a crowd I can be the highlight when I need to be but I never feel comfortable. It just feels very fake and even then I feel alone because I don’t seem to fit in. I’m too “English” for the Arab crowd and too “Muslim” for mainsteam lol

    My comfort zone is to sit on the sidelines and observe the interactions I see around me. I’m also not very good with small talk. It’s so boring. So I will often ask questions that are too personal or say something inappropriate, mostly to get a reaction and ease the boredom.

    You see things differently because you my dear are a unicorn. 😉 You bring insight and a different perspective which is often needed. Many have learned from you and we all benefit from having here.

    Xo

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    1. Thank you, SG. I do value those friendships beyond blogging quite a bit. There was a time when I could chameleon in with the rest of humanity. Now I often feel like I don’t want to. Unfortunately that doesn’t always make life easier. Take care.

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  5. Totally agree with you all. I’m only new here but I feel grateful to have connected to Fcsy particularly and I’m enjoying the little network and community feeling surrounding it. I don’t seem to be able to get my thoughts out very well yet but I’m comfortable in this environment to at least try. I literally have one friend who I can truly be myself with out there in the big world. 😊

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    1. Thank you, CC. I enjoy hearing from you 🙂
      I wrote about this network a bit ago but it has been slowly in the works for about 9 months now. It feels like about 6 weeks ago that it finally started to mesh really well and I started seeing the same people pretty much everywhere that I read.

      Picking up a number of M/f readers really wasn’t something that I expected, but I do welcome it and enjoy the interactions. Submission is submission when it boils down to it and the same types of feelings pop up no matter what the gender.

      Take care.

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  6. I try very hard to avoid phrases that could be viewed as judgemental… But I do sometimes fall into the “i don’t understand how” category. I usually phrase it differently “It’s not something I could do, but I understand that others feel differently” or “it’s not something I want to explore but I respect your choices” because there are things that simply do not appeal to me. But having said that I will explain my view if asked and would never attempt to offer an opinion on something I knew nothing about….

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    1. Thank you, SwG. I know we have talked about this before. Your D/s situation is still so new that I think a lot more things will make sense once you have experienced more. I would wager that 2-3 years down the road that you will have quite a few views that will have changed compared to now. When we talk I try to give perspectives on some of these things.

      Fetlife is sort of the cesspool for people not having any desire to understand and once you see say, 20 or 30 people on a single thread with completely dismissive attitudes, it gets really old, really fast.

      Take care.

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  7. I’ve never fitted in with a crowd, drink or no drink. In the kink community, I never found a group where I felt I belonged. Lots of people I have spoken to struggle with this too especially those, who in their day to day lives, are very mainstream. They want to be mainstream in their kink life too. They don’t want to be told they have to wear black to events or other quirky little rules that seem to be applied to so much of the social aspect of kinklife. I can be a hardcore kinkster that wears jeans and converse surely?

    I console myself with ‘I don’t fit because I’m better than them’. But I realise that’s probably easier for me to say than you.

    The blogging world is certainly a consolation for all that. I prefer it here more than anywhere.

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    1. Thank you, NYAG. Europe seems to be bigger on a “fetish dress code” at certain venues/events than here. I have never been to an event that had any pressure to dress up in such a way and most that I have been a part of frowned upon it.

      The people I mesh well with tend to be more lifestyle-oriented. I have never had a BDSM “scene” so much as it was just life that often became sex (or something sexual). That in itself gives a different perspective from many, but I find the people I enjoy knowing tend to be open to the various forms that exist out there.

      The blogging world is definitely my favorite place among them.

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        1. It is easy for that to happen, unfortunately. I made a strong effort to shed societal expectations and focus on what I thought was right in my teens. It wasn’t always a smooth ride and I still find myself in situations where I have to chameleon myself into the pack… which I now find extremely exhausting.

          I hope that you were able to find yourself later on.

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