I had been a bit bummed that I haven’t had much on my mind that I felt like writing about lately. Today I found something and I have to say that I would rather not have something to write about.
“Alone in a crowd.” People who experience this feeling know exactly what I’m talking about. You are surrounded by people but feel disconnected. It feels solitary. it feels like you are there but not a part of it. You don’t feel like it is where you belong. That makes it feel worse. When these feelings spiral you start wondering if it is you that doesn’t fit or if it’s everyone else. The rational percentages say that there’s only one conclusion to that line of thought. What is more likely, that 19 people are strange or 1?
I’ve stopped trying to fit in with general crowds. That alleviated a lot of burden. Back when I was drinking and doing drugs it was easy for me to just cut loose and be the life of the party. Since I no longer do that, I would rather just stay away. The problem for me is that I seem to feel the same kind of awkwardness when I try to immerse in almost any kind of kink community. I feel like by and large, I see the world through a different lens. I see dominance, submission, kink, and fetish differently than others. I don’t know why that is. Often it feels like even if I do share a point of view, my behavior differs greatly.
While I occasionally connect with individuals, it feels almost inevitable that I will end up feeling alone in the crowd.
I think what makes it feel worse is that when I approach places from this side of myself, it isn’t like when I approach them from a vanilla perspective. I don’t just say, “fuck ’em,” and contently walk away. From this place, it makes the isolation feel worse and I always feel weaker than I did before I tried to branch out.
Maybe I’m just not supposed to. The blogging world is the only place where I feel like I really connect with people. It’s probably because we put so much of ourselves out there and when you see someone that has, you trust that they are genuine. You have seen varying facets of them and not just crafted images and constructs. When you connect here, even when you share the same circle, it never feels like a crowd. It feels more like a collection of individuals that find each other interesting. Why does that feel so much better?