This is sort of a spinoff of a post that I decided to delete without publishing it. As a reader that doesn’t really tell you anything, but here goes…
One of the most difficult things to convey to people is the desire for both intense love and intense cruelty. I find it incredibly common for people to over-react to dynamics that they see as being too strict, too mean, or too intense.
Most of the time I interpret this as their inability to picture one of these two things:
- The sadistic drive of the dominant. What do they get out of it?
- The internal submissive process of the sub. What do they get out of it?
You will find a number of lifestyle D/s blogs out there that incorporate dynamics that tend to give people a strong response. “It’s so hateful,” is a common thing that I have heard. There are a number of factors that I try to convince people of as to what is going on behind it. Sometimes they understand, sometimes they don’t. Other times, they don’t even try to understand. Here are some of those factors:
- Time. How long did it take them to get there and how many plateaus did they clear in that process? When you reach some of the extreme examples that reach TPE type situations or even going so far as to displace the sub from the role of lover (e.g. cuckolding), chances are it took a really long time. Like 10+ years of D/s to reach that point. People get broken in stages, it’s not an overnight thing. Each stage of increasing intensity happened when both parties were ready for it.
- Evolving Dominance and submission. Doms that love being dominant will find their dominance ever growing over time. Subs that love being submissive will find their submission ever growing over time. With time in mind, as each role chases its next stage of intensity, dynamics often reach towards darker and darker places.
- Entitlement and Diminished self. At a certain point of evolution, it is quite common for a dominant to reach a point of absolute entitlement. This may only happen within their Domspace or they may start to experience it with anything that involves their partner. This is a difficult concept to explain to a lot of people, but with enough confidence and experience, they may reach a state where they feel like it is their absolute right to demand whatever they want of the sub. In turn, subs may reach a state of diminished self. This may only happen within their submissive mental space or it may start to happen with anything that involves their partner. When they reach this state, they may begin to feel like they exist to serve and make their partner happy. When entitlement and diminished self mix, just about anything can happen.
- Love and Trust. Extreme situations don’t happen because love and trust stop happening. Extreme situations happen because love and trust have reached such an intense level that these new, often cruel, dynamics can be put into place without losing love and trust. On one hand, the love and trust have gotten so strong that they can transcend cruelty. On the other hand, the cruelty makes the sub love and trust even more and this in turn makes the dominant love and trust them even more. So it is not the absence of love and trust, it is the absolute love and trust that allows for this.
I think this is so important to me because I feel the need to justify myself. I am someone that loves very deeply. I want to love and submit absolutely. I am a romantic through and through. I feel like this is my calling. I also crave the Domme I love to be intensely cruel to me. My submission hungers for this. I seek a life of inequality and unfairness.
What I look for is not one-sided. It is not a state where I am the victim of some form of heinous abuse. It is not a state where the Domme merely caters to my desires. What I look for is a harmonious balance of yin/yang. I will love her absolutely and endure her cruelty and demands. She will love me completely and project her cruelty and demands upon me. We both want it. We both chase the same outcome.
I don’t see this as truly cruel because it is a shared desire. It is a desire whose existence is born through deep love and connection. This doesn’t happen overnight. This process will take years. I look forward to enjoying and sharing those years with the one that I love. I look forward to the day where she will reign over me absolutely and I will submit and love her absolutely. If this happens, it will be born of love and not of hate.