373. Balancing Love and Cruelty

This is sort of a spinoff of a post that I decided to delete without publishing it.  As a reader that doesn’t really tell you anything, but here goes…

One of the most difficult things to convey to people is the desire for both intense love and intense cruelty.  I find it incredibly common for people to over-react to dynamics that they see as being too strict, too mean, or too intense.

Most of the time I interpret this as their inability to picture one of these two things:

  • The sadistic drive of the dominant.  What do they get out of it?
  • The internal submissive process of the sub.  What do they get out of it?

You will find a number of lifestyle D/s blogs out there that incorporate dynamics that tend to give people a strong response.  “It’s so hateful,” is a common thing that I have heard.  There are a number of factors that I try to convince people of as to what is going on behind it.  Sometimes they understand, sometimes they don’t.  Other times, they don’t even try to understand.  Here are some of those factors:

  • Time.  How long did it take them to get there and how many plateaus did they clear in that process?  When you reach some of the extreme examples that reach TPE type situations or even going so far as to displace the sub from the role of lover (e.g. cuckolding), chances are it took a really long time.  Like 10+ years of D/s to reach that point.  People get broken in stages, it’s not an overnight thing.  Each stage of increasing intensity happened when both parties were ready for it.
  • Evolving Dominance and submission.  Doms that love being dominant will find their dominance ever growing over time.  Subs that love being submissive will find their submission ever growing over time.  With time in mind, as each role chases its next stage of intensity, dynamics often reach towards darker and darker places.
  • Entitlement and Diminished self.  At a certain point of evolution, it is quite common for a dominant to reach a point of absolute entitlement.  This may only happen within their Domspace or they may start to experience it with anything that involves their partner.  This is a difficult concept to explain to a lot of people, but with enough confidence and experience, they may reach a state where they feel like it is their absolute right to demand whatever they want of the sub.  In turn, subs may reach a state of diminished self.  This may only happen within their submissive mental space or it may start to happen with anything that involves their partner.  When they reach this state, they may begin to feel like they exist to serve and make their partner happy.  When entitlement and diminished self mix, just about anything can happen.
  • Love and Trust.  Extreme situations don’t happen because love and trust stop happening.  Extreme situations happen because love and trust have reached such an intense level that these new, often cruel, dynamics can be put into place without losing love and trust.  On one hand, the love and trust have gotten so strong that they can transcend cruelty.  On the other hand, the cruelty makes the sub love and trust even more and this in turn makes the dominant love and trust them even more.  So it is not the absence of love and trust, it is the absolute love and trust that allows for this.

I think this is so important to me because I feel the need to justify myself.  I am someone that loves very deeply.  I want to love and submit absolutely.  I am a romantic through and through.  I feel like this is my calling.  I also crave the Domme I love to be intensely cruel to me.  My submission hungers for this.  I seek a life of inequality and unfairness.

What I look for is not one-sided.  It is not a state where I am the victim of some form of heinous abuse.  It is not a state where the Domme merely caters to my desires.  What I look for is a harmonious balance of yin/yang.  I will love her absolutely and endure her cruelty and demands.  She will love me completely and project her cruelty and demands upon me.  We both want it.  We both chase the same outcome.

I don’t see this as truly cruel because it is a shared desire.  It is a desire whose existence is born through deep love and connection.  This doesn’t happen overnight.  This process will take years.  I look forward to enjoying and sharing those years with the one that I love.  I look forward to the day where she will reign over me absolutely and I will submit and love her absolutely.  If this happens, it will be born of love and not of hate.

12 thoughts on “373. Balancing Love and Cruelty

  1. Evolving Dominance and submission. I’m looking forward to this. 🙂

    “it is quite common for a dominant to reach a point of absolute entitlement”. So want to reach this stage.

    The end part, I look forward for that for you too. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, SG. The entitlement phase is very tricky because people reach it at different times and some people don’t reach it at all. A lot of it stems from confidence in both self and knowing that the sub will still love you no matter what you do.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I do worry about how other people would perceive my relationship with R at times because even though he desires me to treat him this way and it’s 100% consensual it is not mainstream. But it is definitely love that drives us both, I have never loved someone as much as I love him and the crueller I am towards him the more he adores me. It is definitely a cycle in that it feeds us both. I think your post is spot on about this type of dynamic. Beautifully written furs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Morganna.

      I’m sure there are those on the outside that see it as extreme. The thing that fascinated me the most about it is that yours was founded as a baseline that way with the both of you desiring complimentary things. I see nothing wrong with that, even if parts of it go well-beyond what I am personally comfortable with 🙂

      Take care.


  3. Thank you for writing this. I actually see your story FS1 in a different light now. Where I originally related to FS as a sub, I did have troubles understanding the depth of his submission in regards to what I thought of as cruelty. And I say troubles understanding it, meaning I had to sit back and reflect on his submission and could then see that he endures as part of or because of his total love and devotion to his Domme. Reading this has helped me to see it all a bit differently.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, CC.
      fs01 is a good example of this. The story starts at year 4 with Cassandra deciding to push past their current plateau. Actually, most of fs01 is about that same type of theme, chasing an end game state that doesn’t complete itself until Arc 9. A key to reading that story is to take that submissive mental space that you feel and imagine living in it 24/7/365. If you were in a position where you never left, it becomes much easier to picture his responses.

      Take care.


  4. One of the essential points you make here is that these dynamics evolve over a long period of time. That’s certainly something that my head is slowly beginning to realise. Also, that people have to know it’s not all on the Domme’s side. Consent is obviously a huge factor in this.

    When people drop into a situation that they see, and they see it full on and probably extreme, they may have no concept of the time that it takes to get there, like you say, maybe 10 years or more. They also probably don’t appreciate the almost unique relationship that develops, the levels of trust and love and communication that many of us will never experience with any other human being.

    For both Dommes and Subs in these relationships, it’s always a learning curve. We are always learning, seeing what works, seeing what creates that mental space. It’s a drip feed. In a world of right here right now, many will not grasp the patience that goes into these relationships.

    This is a really important topic and I hope you write on it more. It fascinates me.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, NYAG.

      There are some exceptions to the rule of time, but these mostly happen in cases where the dominant has extensive experience and the sub either has extensive experience or like… 20 years of fantasy under his belt, envisioning such dynamics. In rare cases like these, such as The Secret Aspie’s blog, the extreme is actually a baseline.

      As a whole though, it is a matter of growth. People start out with basic domestic discipline and bondage but it evolves into something much deeper.

      It is strange this time around, because in the past when I write about this barely anyone seems interested in it 🙂

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you, Fur for this rant. It sheds light on the still dark (at least to me) area of human activity. This short but ‘intence’ rant speaks a volumne to me and -as we see from the comments above – to others. I see some contradictions between embracing the absolute entitlement and love and trust as love requires (among other qualities) self sacrifice and limitation (see: Erich Fromm, ‘The Art of Loving’). I’ll think it through and in due time I may chime in with my thoughts, or not. I like closing paragraph, especially last 3 sentences starting from: I look foorward….And like SG I look forward for that for you too.
    Another thought/question: could you give us some references to this very topic of subspace and Domspace. I have read quite a lot on other blogs, wachted many TAD talks, read ‘Psychology Today’, etc. but I couldn’t found any really deep and valuable. I’m asking for something a bit easier to digest then the academic dissertations on cognitive- and neuropsychology.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Peter.
      The contradictions you see I spoke about here:

      As many Dommes progress, their parallel voices tend to grow closer to one another in certain regards. It is what allows them to be both cruel and loving. They may be rough, but wouldn’t want to cause real damage.

      Unfortunately I don’t have a Domspace so I can’t comment on it beyond my best understanding of it, and it differs from dominant to dominant. I have written a crapload about sub mental space though and a lot of them are tagged: https://fcsyblog.wordpress.com/tag/subspace/

      For some reason this rarely gets written about. Take care.


  6. Thank you, Fur.
    I understand that you aren’t aware of any popular sources of Domspace outside of blogsphere. As for aforomentioned contradictions I need some more time to process my thoughts and I’ll came back to this in due time. I’ve read once more your post about pararell voices and to my liking ( but only to my liking as I, too, never experienced domspace) you aptly described 4 voices (personas) which fill sadist’s inner-space. There is only a question on balance and proportion (how much?) each voice should take over in a whole process. I’m currently reading one foreign article which may be possible help to clarify my doubts. It’s pitty that such a topic rarely gets written here.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Peter. There are probably more than 4 parallel voices going at once, I just wanted to keep the example as clean as possible so I limited it to the applicable ones.

      Unlike subspace, that has one driver at a time, Domspace gets a lot more complicated. Even when a Domme is being driven by a desire to inflict cruelty, she still has the voice in her that limits her from going too far because she cares about the sub.


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