380. Thoughts on Lifestyle Obstacles

Apparently the owner of the kik group that I left still wants me around in some capacity.  I have agreed to stay on somewhat.  Lately there has been a distraught male sub out there.  He has a ton of lifestyle experience but moved from a populated metro area to the middle of nowhere.  I have no idea exactly when this happened, but it has basically put him into a position where he feels completely jaded.  I have had those feelings before and understand them quite well.  I am not the type to rain sympathy down upon someone when they are down.  I prefer to try to empathize, show that I understand, and appreciate how much it sucks.  I know that when I am down, having someone “get me” means a lot more to me than “everything will be okay.” Actually, when I hear words that don’t mesh at all with what I am experiencing, it usually makes me feel worse.

The reason that I wrote my Intro to F/m series was to try and build awareness of the different type of obstacles that people face in both the F/m and M/f fields.  They are vastly different from one another.  Each role and gender faces its own types of obstacles.  It has its own struggles.  Depending upon how easy or difficult the searching progress is, the long-run style of jaded differs greatly.

Those who know me well know that I have a pretty good imagination.  I can simulate what 1, 5, or 10 years of a consistent type of reaction can do to people.  How it may build them up or wear them down.  Does it give me true empathy?  No.  Just as, being a male I will never truly understand what it is like to experience a menstrual cycle or the pain of childbirth (as a woman will never truly know the pain of being kicked in the testicles).  I can, however, do my best to have an understanding of and an approximate idea of how they may affect someone.

I will try to summarize a bit on the obstacles that people face.  I will be writing from the perspective of someone seeking a lover/life-partner and a D/s lifestyle in mind.

The obstacles of the female submissive

sub:Dom ratio estimate: approximately 5:1 to 3:2.  At times it may feel more like 1:100.

Biggest irritations:  Being hit on, having demands made, having assumptions made, and general rudeness, lewdness, and disrespectful behavior by male dominants.

Biggest obstacles:  Avoiding predators, narcissists, sociopaths, and potential abusers while still being open enough to find someone genuine.  Finding someone who sees you for who you are and not as a toy or an object.

Jaded fear:  Wading through wave after wave of trash and never finding someone that will ever truly love you, care for you, and nurture your submission in the right way.

The obstacles of the male dominant

Dom:sub ratio estimate: approximately 1:5 to 2:3.  Online it may feel more like 1:1 or 2:1.

Biggest irritations:  Having to go out of your way to not look like the crappy or predatory dominants that seek out naive and innocent women.  If you tell someone that you are not that way, it makes you look like you are that way.

Biggest obstacles:  Finding the balance between portraying your style of dominance and your inner care/kindness: too gentle and people think you are weak, too aggressive and people will peg you as a predator or abuser.  Having to deal with high drama subs that will threaten your reputation if you don’t do exactly what they want.

Jaded fear: You will never find a sub that appreciates you for who you are and will submit to you in the way that you want.

The obstacles of the female dominant

Dom:sub ratio estimate: approximately 1:200 to 1:5000.  If only considering “worthy” subs this may often feel more like 1:0.

Biggest irritations:  Having to deal with the constant spam and bullshit from hundreds of subs every week that obviously didn’t read your profile, consider if things would be a good fit, and reek of desperation.  Also having to deal with constant threats, insults, unsolicited dick pics, and subs wanting you to act out their fantasy for them.  Dealing with male dominants that approach you and are certain that they could turn you into a sub.

Biggest obstacles:  Finding a sub that genuinely wants to submit in the way that you desire and isn’t lying about themselves or isn’t someone who will ghost as soon as things get close.  The huge number of fantasy wankers that you wouldn’t classify as “real” subs.  Ever-growing skepticism and cynicism towards anyone that approaches.

Jaded fear: You will never find a worthy sub that lives anywhere near you.

The obstacles of the male submissive

sub:Dom ratio estimate:  approximately 200:1 to 5000:1.  Can sometimes feel like a gazillion:0.

Biggest irritations:  Having to constantly separate yourself from the overwhelming numbers of other subs that you are competing with.  Having to constantly deal with half of the world looking at you as weak and less than a man.  Being ignored.

Biggest obstacles:  Finding a way to impress a dominant woman knowing that you probably will not receive the benefit of the doubt.  Keeping your spirits up after being ignored or rejected.  Determining what level of compromise you are okay with accepting.

Jaded fear:  You will never find a dominant woman that will accept you and you may as well be invisible.

Basically, the frustrations fall into one of two situations regarding levels of attention:  Too much or not enough.

I’m not going to say that any one has it easier than any other.  Finding that special person that you connect with on a deep level is nearly impossible no matter what role and gender you are.

10 thoughts on “380. Thoughts on Lifestyle Obstacles

  1. Fascinating. I love that you can see it from all perspectives. This is a well rounded considered piece that helps us understand everyone’s perspective because we all face similar challenges. I hope that people in each of these groups will be able to add their comments. For instance, I would love to know that there are really good Doms out there. Not my experience so far but I believe they exist, in the same way that I know somewhere along the line I will meet a genuine male sub on a relationship level.

    Personally, I went to sceptical and cynical in around 2 months. The messaging is relentless and I haven’t been doing it very long so I can only imagine it is going to get far worse before I hit that eureka moment. It wears you down very fast and I don’t doubt that this feeling applies to all groups in their own way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, DomIP. There are good Doms out there, but generally they pick and choose who they pursue rather carefully. The doms that portray themselves well generally get people writing to them, too.

      It’s a different type of fatigue in some of these cases. 50 messages a day for 50 days with 0 good ones is tiresome, but very different from 0 messages a day for 50 days, which is also tiresome, but in a completely different way.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Very intersting fc. Something not touched on, which wasn’t really the topic of your post anyway (maybe it will spark another one, who knows) is when you think you’ve found that sub/Dom for you, they seem an ideal fit, to find they aren’t who they portrayed themselves to be or just can’t live up to your expectations. Your post on red flags is helpful in trying to avoid this. But I imagine even with fair warning of what to watch for some still slip by. And just when should you cut the cord?


    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, SG. I did touch on the false portrayal in the female dominant section. The fakes are generally exposed early in real life contact or end up ghosting before that part. As for cutting the cord, that is a tough call with no strict answer.


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