424. Thoughts on Consent or Not

Often you will come across philosophies on D/s that conflict with one another on a fundamental level.  When people of different types encounter one another it can be difficult for them to communicate effectively because their perspectives are so different.  One example of this is people who engage in loving, romantic D/s relationships vs. those who engage in formal D/s arrangements without romantic involvement.  Another common communication block occurs with the topic that I am writing about here, namely, consent.

People who adhere to BDSM principles tend to be vehement about consent.  If it’s not consensual, it’s abuse.   Consent, safe words, and the like flow along with their beliefs and in many ways these are wise beliefs to adhere to.  SSC – Safe, sane, consensual, is usually a core mantra.  There are those that adhere to BDSM principles that push the envelope a bit more.  RACK – Risk aware consensual kink is one form.  CNC – Consensual non-consent is another.  All of these rely upon the fact that both parties are in full agreement, and in most cases, the situation offers mutual pleasure.

There are also a large number of people that do not adhere to BDSM principles in favor of alternative philosophies.  Gender supremacy, FLR, Head of Household, and the like, rarely if ever mention consent.  Discussion of these philosophies will often cause BDSM-oriented individuals to recoil quite strongly.  Also of note is that people who favor lifestyle philosophies that do not have BDSM roots will often attempt to downplay the importance of kink and may even go so far as to call different philosophies “fake.”

Because the focal points are so different this can be a difficult gap to bridge with communication and understanding.  I will lay a few things out.  First, nearly all of the non-BDSM philosophies tend to be CNC.  People wouldn’t agree to live that lifestyle unless they wanted it.  The fact that they jump to one of those most extreme styles of consent may jar people from a BDSM background, but to assume that those situations are truly non-consensual is a mistake.

Second, many of the subs in non-BDSM philosophies tend to be emotional masochists.  The people who engage in these relationships will rarely admit to it, but that is the logical and rational explanation for what drives people to consent to relationships where the pleasure is expected to be one-sided and in favor of the dominant.   It is emotional masochism for a sub to get aroused by the idea that the dominant will have all of their needs met while the sub will have many of theirs denied or the idea of not being allowed to say “no.”

Basically, to put the non-BDSM philosophies into BDSM-oriented terms, most of them are just some form of CNC relationship where the submissive party is usually an emotional masochist.  The consent happens at the start.

This may provide some understanding for people who follow BDSM principles when they look at alternate philosophies on D/s.  Unfortunately, it is far more difficult to communicate in the other direction as many of the people who practice these philosophies will commonly favor to reject the idea of kink roots to the lifestyle… and there’s not really much that can be done about that.

I’m all for people doing whatever makes them happy.  I just think in some ways it would be easier if there was better understanding of differences within the community as a whole.


16 thoughts on “424. Thoughts on Consent or Not

  1. Great post, furcissy! Very informative. I think what Daddy and I do would be considered consensual non-consent. While there are a few hard limits (no blood, no scat or pee play, no fire, and a few more), he often pushes me past my pain threshold to where I am crying and begging him to stop. But, I gave my blanket consent at the start of our journey which allows him to continue, even if I am asking him to stop. Some may not understand this…but it is what we both need. Again…well done! Very important topic.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, Nora.
      I would agree with you that your relationship resembles a CNC situation (CNC can definitely have limits). I believe the non-BDSM nomenclature would probably fall into Head of Household and Domestic Discipline. If you remember early on with your 30 Days writing prompts a lot of these topics seemed to mix and match with BDSM and non-BDSM ideas, occasionally making them seem a little odd.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This evening my brain refuses to comprehend anything beyond chocolate cookies so I am going to have to reread this about a hundred times before I can come up with a constructive response. So I’ll be back. I’ll try to apply it to my own philosophies/the situation I potentially find myself in now, to get a grip on it.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I really enjoyed this post Fcsy. I agree with you about there needing to be a better understanding as a whole. Being in a play only D/s dynamic without the love and romance, I noticed this within the community very early on. It seems to me though that no matter what lifestyle, what walk of life we are on, it is just human nature to judge our differences than to accept them, sadly.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, CC.
      I think with kink that a lot of people have a need to validate and justify their own preferences. Often this is accomplished most easily by grabbing hands with people who have a similar perspective and circling the wagons. Unfortunately that method doesn’t always promote understanding of others.


      1. No it certainly doesn’t. What it did for me early on was made me feel even more isolated and different. That what I was exploring was wrong. It took a while to wrap my head around it and to bring myself back to being able to accept it myself, which is all that matters in the end. Though the finger pointing feeling still lingers at times.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. That is unfortunate, CC. Back when I was active in my local scene, people found it odd that I equated D/s with love, as the majority of them engaged in it with play partners. Much of it ends up being the frame of reference, but there are scenes where what you engage in is in the norm.

          In this life I have felt misunderstood more often than not. I think that is why I value those who are open to understanding.


        2. It is unfortunate but in the end I am happy with the situation I find myself in. I feel it suits me at the moment and until it doesn’t, I am happy exploring in this way. I too value people who are open to new ways of thinking and seeing things and understanding and accepting our many differences. Life would be hell boring if we were all the same. xx CC

          Liked by 1 person

        3. That’s it Fcsy. I’ve spent all my life pleasing others and not really thinking about myself. Strangely enough I’ve now realised that pleasing another is doing something for myself. Lmao 😂😂

          Liked by 1 person

  4. This is really interesting and I am not sure where I fall between the two. I think that some of the lack of understanding comes from the fact that one group often has no actual contact with the other. This means that the philosophies are not really understood within context which can lead to them being rejected. Clearly you are part of both worlds and therefore have a more informed view. I would not see myself as being part of an alternative philosophy such as HOH, gender supremacy etc so have taken a structure from BDSM principles but have found that not all of those apply. Particularly over time, some of this has not been needed and we have had to find our own more flexible approach. What works for a lifestyle will always be different as we all have different lives and there has to be flexibility to accommodate that. It is a pity that there is more judgement and rejection than there is sharing and support but I suppose if you seem to be a challenge to what someone else values as important that can easily happen. Thank you for a thought provoking post. We needed you are the chat yesterday which is was on the topic of limits and protocols 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Missy.
      A lot of the scenes are fairly separate, but all stem back to common roots. I enjoy learning about the entirety of what exists because a lot of the ideas fit across multiple views even if the core differs. Often the difference between good and bad advice stems from whether or not people can understand each other. I think the judgment can make people feel lonelier than they need to be… and it can also make people automatically seem similar when they often are not.

      I haven’t been around the chat much lately but it seems the last 5 or 6 times I have popped in there was no one else there. e.g. it is that way right now.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

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