425. Thoughts on Differences

Some comments on my last post got me thinking a bit about the habits of people in BDSM and D/s and why there is a tendency for them to flock to others of a similar type while mostly ignoring people who engage in a different type of lifestyle dynamic.  I will fully admit that when I got started I focused mainly upon F/m.  Most of the learning resources available at the time were written in a unisex fashion without gender or with M/f in mind which forced me to gender-swap it in my head and take what was applicable and leave what wasn’t.  It’s safe to say that I was exposed to the existence of both F/m and M/f from the moment I learned the terms and protocols of BDSM.

I learned more about M/f when I took part in my local scene as the munches and events were at least 75% M/f and I befriended a number of female subs and switches.  When I left the scene and turned to internet groups and blogging only, my focus again returned primarily to the F/m side.  Years later, T made friends with a few M/f couples that we spent time with and that brought me back into contact with M/f for a year or two.  When those friendships trailed off, I was again focused upon F/m.

It was 2016, before I started on WordPress, when I received my first few blog comments from submissive women.  It was at that point that I realized that different people were finding my words relevant (I had a smattering of male Doms leave me comments in 2010-2012 but those had trailed off).  I also began following more M/f blogs and while it took some digging, I did come across a number of people who had a similar view of submission to me.  I also came across a number of people who were eager to learn and displayed open-mindedness that I enjoyed interacting with.

When I created this version of the blog, while I do write on F/m-centric topics, I also try to write some of the more informative posts in a gender-neutral way.  It was through blog interactions as well as a few of my forays into chat groups that inspired my Intro to F/m series that had the purpose of laying out some of the significant differences between F/m and M/f so that people could more easily understand each other.

By gaining different perspectives we can learn a lot from others, especially people who are not similar to ourselves.

I’ve always been curious about how things work: Cause and effect chains.  Functioning systems.  Purposes and designs.  All of these fascinate me.  The more layers you peel back the more it makes sense.  It’s one thing to know that if you press the button, the machine will go.  You can build upon that by knowing that when you press the button, the button creates a contact and closes the circuit, allowing for the machine to power up.  Once powered, you can see the gears turning and traces how the input materials become the finished product.

D/s works like this, but with psychological, emotional, and sexual triggers.  The gears turn in the brain and body.  When the system takes into account all of the variables, it is quite magnificent.  It also explains why redundant measures are functional, because having multiple fail-safes in place will keep the machine running smoothly even if parts of it break down.

It is pretty say that nearly every form of D/s works this way.   No matter if it’s F/m, M/f, M/m, F/f, or poly, the machine has triggers to fire it up, it requires fuel to make it go, maintenance to keep it running, and all of this is needed to get the desired outcome.  D/s rules, parameters, protocols, and philosophies may differ, but that doesn’t change the fact that you are dealing with people who need stimulation to their heart, mind, and sex to be happy.   Part of why I am able to give advice for people in differing situations is that I try to figure out what their machine needs to function.  Once I understand that it is simple to see why it is breaking down (or running smoothly).

When you look at it this way, everything looks more similar than different.

It’s pretty safe to say that (nearly) all dominants want to feel dominant, loved, desired, and be emotionally and sexually fulfilled.  It’s pretty safe to say that (nearly) all submissives want to feel submissive, loved, desired, and be emotionally and sexually fulfilled.   When you understand that, what other people choose to do makes a lot more sense.  They want ________ because it makes them feel ________.

I think this is actually more difficult for people who have common kinks and fetishes and pursue a dynamic that has a significantly large demographic because there is comfort in a community feel and it is easier to accept how you are.  While I know that my kink set is not unique, it is rather rare and specialized and the people who share that in common with me… don’t tend to blog or talk about it.  This has forced me to understand others if I want to make personal connections.  I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing.  On the one hand, it feel a bit isolating, but on the other, I feel like I understand a lot more about the lifestyle because of it.


9 thoughts on “425. Thoughts on Differences

  1. Thanks for the post my wise friend:
    Agreed, I think especially so in a long term D/s relationship. your statement “the machine has triggers to fire it up, it requires fuel to make it go, maintenance to keep it running,” so true. I do a lot to keep him interested. Although it amounts to the same things just different, I feel I have to put in much effort, but it is so worth having a sub like him around, interested and always hard for me. For instance my last post was all about that task of keeping his fire lit for my Dominance. It does not have to go much the other way for me because I get surprised everyday what he continues to do for me, the kindness, smiles, kisses, touches, work he does, each day he gives me longer and stronger orgasm’s, etc.
    If you want a dedicated sub I think we need to work on as you said adding fuel.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, D.
      I think your awareness of it ensures that it keeps going in a way that makes you both happy. My guess is that it barely feels like “work,” and more just a part of the life you enjoy 🙂

      How you describe it is that he provides you plenty of fuel and you in turn, provide it for him as well.

      Take care.


  2. Another helpful post. I think a lot of time people do get lost in assuming things are much more complicated than they actually are. Also they become to absorbed and can’t see what is happening in a more detached way as the emotion blocks that sort of analysis. Always good to have that reminder 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Missy. I definitely agree that the overwhelming emotions are part of that in the first year or two. At the same time, I think that later on, when people are more comfortable with who they are, ideally they would open up a bit. Often seeking newer/bigger ideas will require looking outwards, but also, if they have really accepted themselves, there is no threat in looking at those who are different and seeing how it works for them.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes there is always so much to be learnt from doing that I think. Access to others who are different is sometimes more tricky as your path tends to cross with those who have more of the similarities. 😊

        Liked by 1 person

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