428. Thoughts on Self-Love and D/s Part 1

Yesterday I had an epiphany while attempting to write some fiction.  Over the years I have encountered a handful of Dommes that I would describe as completely self-assured.  They have a level of self-confidence that is both understated yet completely obvious.  They have presence.  What is interesting is that they rarely if ever seem to go out of their way to appear dominant or confident… they simply are dominant and confident.  While I had gotten as far as being able to predict how they might act in a given situation, I had never really fully understood what made them tick and how they perceived the world.   I now believe that I have found what falls at their core that separates them from others:  self-love.  When digging into it further I realized that this comes into play quite strongly for both dominants and submissives.

There is a common theme you will often find in subs that are well-suited for lifestyle 24/7 D/s.  That is, subs of this nature generally love others more than they love themselves.  In many cases, they may even dislike themselves.  This makes it easy for them to say, “I do not wish to live for myself, I wish to live for you.”  At their core, it is their lack of self-love that pushes them to look outwards.  When a Domme validates their submission, it is then that they are happy with themselves.

To put it simply, if I love and serve with all of myself, it is because I have made her my world.  I could not picture anyone offering themselves to me because I do not feel like I deserve it.  Her love is my reward for my service and this is something I earn.  I gain my worth by what I do, not by who I am.

I am aware that lacking self-love is textbook emotionally unhealthy, but it’s not like you can flip a switch and give someone the ability to love themselves.  I consider submission to be a fairly productive means of coping compared to many of the alternatives.  Also, these types of subs tend to be very good subs since they will do whatever it takes to make someone else happy.  By with-holding self-love, they give more love outwards.

On the other side, those self-assured Dommes have self-love.  They love themselves completely and believe themselves deserving of happiness.  Because they accept themselves, they do not need others for validation.  They do not need others to make them happy.  While being in love with someone else may make them happier, being happy and loving themselves is not dependent upon someone else.  They rely on themselves but do understand how others may enhance their lives.

This is truly a difficult perspective to understand if you do not already feel this way.  From the outside, it may even appear to tread the line between narcissism and confidence.  On the inside, I believe that many decisions are quite rational based upon how they view themselves and the world.  On some level, I feel like this gives a lot of insight into the veteran Dommes you may come across and how they make their decisions, especially those regarding formal non-romantic D/s arrangements.

For ease, I will write in the first person in this next section.  This is not meant to imply that I feel that way, but to try to approximate how the thoughts might flow.

I like myself.  I like my life.  I am happy.  For someone to be a potential lover, they would need to be someone that I would respect and they should enhance my life in every possible way.  Unless they fit that bill, I do not need them.  I do have desires that require others and I am okay with using submissives to have them met.  This enhances my life.  If I summon a boy to satisfy me sexually, he performs the role that I desire and this meets his desire to submit to me.  If I summon a boy to clean my house, he performs that role and this meets his desire to serve me.  If I summon a boy to suffer for me, I get to let my sadist out while he experiences his desired submission.  This is what I expect from them and what I offer in return.  If they become a burden I will dismiss them and find someone else.

While this might seem cold, the crucial aspect is that a particular sub is not absolutely needed.  There is never a shortage of willing subs.  While the Domme may enjoy a particular sub’s skill set, it is because of how well they fill the role and not for deeper reasons.  Being able to take on this mindset requires a lot of self-confidence and entitlement.  It requires someone to be just fine being alone.

When I have encountered these types of Dommes, they are rarely wantonly cruel.  They are usually kind, compassionate, respectful, intelligent women.  They don’t demand that others respect them.  People respect them because they are worthy of respect.  They don’t deceive subs in these arrangements.  They make it clear what they expect and will offer from the start.  e.g. if they view a sub as a service more than as a person, there would never be any indication that they were looking for more than that.

Also, it’s not like they do not love others.  They may love friends and family quite easily, it’s just for them to give their heart in a romantic way requires a sub that is capable of ticking every box.  That is, the worthy sub must be capable of stimulating them on every level:  romantic, emotional, intellectual, and sexual.

I believe this type of person is quite rare to encounter because there just aren’t very many people who completely accept and love themselves.

Looking back over what I have written, I’m actually curious to find out if this is something eye-opening for others or if I was just late to the party and it should have been obvious long ago.  I know that I am very lacking in the self-love department, so trying to envision the world from someone with self-love was quite eye-opening.

UPDATE – I wrote a follow up to this: 431. Thoughts on Self-Love and D/s part 2


9 thoughts on “428. Thoughts on Self-Love and D/s Part 1

  1. Well I am not surprised that you wrote this post though why it’s taken you so long I’m not sure. Fundamentally you get it.

    I can’t imagine being any way other than what you have described above. Even when I was in my worst relationships that dragged me down, the lack of self respect was temporary.

    I think from either side, it is difficult to imagine being in somebody elses mindset, but just getting the concept of it goes a long way to understanding it and I think whether you are the Domme or the submissive, it helps with empathy to understand your opposite, your partner. I am very keen on empathy as you know, so this post is a good edition. I hope everyone finds it useful. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, DomIP. I had always been able to plot out the cause/effect, but having the mentality click was something else entirely. It’s strange that I saw this from asking hypothetical questions to a fictional character. I do hope that others will find it useful. I have since written a couple of follow-up posts.

      Take care.


  2. Interesting post. Do you think that perhaps being a Domme/Cuckoldress plays into it? I don’t think every domme is just naturally geared towards dominance, confidence, and self love. But dommaince can definitely open the doors for those things.

    I just don’t like the idea that only super confident women are capable of being dommes because if that were the case there probably wouldn’t be any dommes because confidence and self love comes with time and experience.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Jane.
      In a lot of ways I think that dominance and confidence feed one another in a sort of loop. The type of Domme that I was referring to in this post is a rare type and if I had to estimate, probably make up ~3-5% of Dommes out there.

      Most of the Dommes that I know are not of this type.

      As for what leads to dominance, I tend to be of the school of thought that the draw of being a Domme or a Cuckoldress is rooted sexually. I believe this is what separates someone who has certain personality characteristics but does not take on a truly dominant role (e.g. where they exert some form of power/control over their sub) from someone who embraces the dominant role.

      I get a bit obsessed with understanding people’s perspectives, points of view, frames of reference, trains of thought, etc. and this post was sort of an extreme eureka moment for me when I finally felt like I could understand a demographic that I didn’t quite grasp until now.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

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