The thoughts surrounding my last post opened up a whole new perspective to me. This has, in turn, caused me to rethink my understanding of the idea of “dominance as a favor.”
For those who haven’t read my rants about this idea in the past, dominance as a favor is a train of thought that has become common in the F/m community over the past few years and it is the idea that D/s is all about making a sub’s fantasies come true and thus, dominance is a favor that a Domme does for a sub. In its commonly used context, it implies that Dommes don’t actually enjoy being dominant, so “allowing” a man to submit is only for his benefit and not her own.
Now assuming that a woman does not enjoy being dominant, then her willingness to “play along” with his submissive desires is in fact a favor. I believe it is erroneous to make the assumption that women do not enjoy being dominant. The Dommes that I have known over the years love the hell out of being dominant.
I do now see a new perspective that provides an additional context with which to view this idea. That is, the perspective of a self-assured Domme.
If I try to envision the perspective of such a Domme, I can understand how it would be possible for them to see their dominance as a favor. The context is quite a bit different though, in that they enjoy being dominant, they just understand the value of what they offer. In some ways, this can justify their expectations and what they are willing to offer in a formal non-romantic D/s arrangement.
As an example, consider a self-assured Domme that seeks a sub for no-strings house cleaning. In these situations, the sub is expected to come in, clean, and leave without any expectation of extensive contact with the Domme, her thanks, or her attention beyond what she chooses to give. From the outside, a lot of people may see this sort of situation as unfair. The reality of it is that there are very few subs that actually offer this, but they do exist (there are others who say “no-strings” but actually mean “strings”).
Should a Domme be expected to offer more than the privilege of letting the sub come and clean? No. By being a Domme, she accepts her seat in the privileged class. The male sub is a peasant and one millions starving to receive any kind of attention. First off, if she states her expectations of what she is looking for, it is up to the sub to accept or reject that offer and by making that choice, the sub consents to the exchange: cleaning services for the privilege of being allowed to clean for a Domme.
Secondly, the weight of that privilege is easy to overlook but it shouldn’t be. Think of it this way: what is a sub without a Domme? A sub without a Domme is a single sexual deviant that masturbates to Femdom fantasies. As soon as he sets foot in her home, he truly becomes a sub. He has a purpose. He has expectations to meet. He has a performance that will be evaluated. He has someone to please. She doesn’t need him. She could clean her own house. He needs her. He cannot be a submissive without her.
From this perspective, no matter what he does for her, she provides something that he cannot do on his own. She turns him from a sexual deviant into a submissive. This in itself is quite the favor.
That being said, the self-assured Dommes I have met generally have a lot more compassion and empathy for subs to ever truly feel this way. They tend to genuinely value authentic submission.
When I have come across Dommes who state this type of thinking, it is usually in situations where subs have falsely portrayed themselves. e.g. They claim to offer no-strings cleaning but when they actually show up to clean they expect to be ordered around, played with, etc. If this happens several times, I could understand someone wanting to vent their frustrations at people being dishonest/deceptive.
I still don’t like the idea of dominance as a favor, but this is at least another perspective on it.