433. Thoughts on Being Proactive

A recent conversation with a friend got me thinking about proactive behavior from the sub in a D/s relationship.

This topic is a little bit polarizing in that you will find Dommes that tend to fall on rather extreme ends of the spectrum when it comes to proactive behavior from their subs.  On one end, you have Dommes that want subs to be constantly working on ways to make them happy, turn them on, and enhance their life in some way.  This generally requires the sub to do things without being asked to do them and they often put more value upon the actions when they occur unsolicited.

On the other end, you will find Dommes that do not want their subs to act with any form of independence.  They want their subs obedient, docile, and ready to respond to any command or expectation presented to them.

The big separating point seems to be what aspect of dominance appeals to them the most.  The first type tends to thrive in a “make me feel important” type of role.  The second may be drawn more towards the idea of “I am in control of you.”

Neither outlook is more right or wrong than the other, but I do think the Domme’s philosophy on this topic is incredibly important when evaluating fit.  Subs will often tip their own view of submission in their vocabulary.  A sub that talks about wanting to do whatever they are told matches up better with the Domme type that seeks control.  A sub that talks about wanting to do whatever it takes to make the Domme feel loved and cherished is more likely to be the proactive type.

When these ideas don’t match up very well, it is unlikely that it will be fulfilling for either party.  Although, I should add, there are subs that are capable of being both types, but generally the proactive side is the one that they make apparent.


16 thoughts on “433. Thoughts on Being Proactive

  1. Hmmm. This is something I was discussing with my friend last night about my oneself. One part of me thinks I should only respond to his needs when I’m called upon, the other says I should be doing what I can without being told too and sending him stuff. I guess it’s because of my situation and particularly my state of mind at the moment. That whole am I being too needy, am I being too much type of thought process, when I know full well he hasn’t time for me right now. Hmmm. Sorry Fcsy.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, CC. I’m not sure what you are apologizing for.

      A number of subs will display both types and it may even vary depending upon their depth of sub mental space (or lack of it). If you are wondering if one side pulls more than the other for you, often how your submission works for you when you fantasize will go a long ways to revealing that.


      1. Giggles Fcsy. I’m apologising for how my confusion has dribbled onto your post. I do understand what you are saying. I’m definitely both. At the moment I’m struggling with too much to make a great deal of sense of what I should be doing is all. xx

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Sure of it Fcsy. And I think I struggled in a different way this time which is why I spiralled so quickly as well. Mr D has changed my mindset about it all since and he asked me to think about the “we are both one side of the same coin” analogy. Which to be honest if never given much thought too. My biggest problem though Fcsy is that I am an overthinker and it can be detrimental to me. Silly mind!! 😊

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I might be some of both?

    I love the control side of things… like if my sub got a tattoo without my input/approval, I would be quite upset, even if it was a sign of devotion. Or if they took it upon themselves to, I dunno, sign us/me up for a BDSM class, I wouldn’t like that. Sexually, I want all the control. I don’t want to just tell them to clean the house, I want to say, “Dust today, vacuum tomorrow.”

    On the other side, I would love if they wanted to buy me something just because (even something that cost $1), make a special dinner, kneel without being told to, that sort of thing. I would really appreciate them doing little things to express that they care, love me, and think about me.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Ms Dixie.
      If you want them to do things without being told, that would likely put you on the proactive side of things. The people on the other side of things tend to want to limit a sub from ever acting with that sort of independence. It’s an interesting line in the sand.

      Liked by 2 people

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