If you spend any amount of time on places like Fetlife, kink hookup sites, or chat groups, it’s fairly easy to get a feel for how long a woman has been there based upon how approachable she presents herself to be. You can gather these cues from their profile.
- “I’m looking to meet people” = New
- “Read my profile first if you wish to write to me” = Slightly Jaded
- “Do NOT write to me if you are looking for something other than ________” = Mildly Jaded
- “DO NOT WRITE TO ME UNLESS I ALREADY KNOW YOU!” = Heavily Jaded
- “IF YOU WRITE TO ME I WILL BLOCK YOU!!!” = Completely Jaded
How does someone get there?
It happens due to wave after wave of message. Wave after wave. It doesn’t matter what you say you are looking for, if you are a woman you will get messages. Years ago T got so fed up with all of the messages she was getting on collarme back in the day while looking for couples to be friends with, she had me screen her messages. If you chalk up the death threats, rape threats, and horrific insults to pathetic assholes with too much free time, there are four types of messages in addition to those that tend to really wear women down. I have listed them below along with a translation key for what it actually says to a woman:
- “Hey” = I expect you to read my profile and find something interesting to talk about.
- “I want you to _______” = You are my personal fetish dispenser and I expect you to write back ASAP while talking about _______ because I’m close to cumming and need something to push me over the top.
- “What you need is a real man to ________” = I have such a giant ego that just writing these words to you should be enough for you to change your role and preferences so that we can have sex on my terms.
- Dick pic = I know so little about women that I assume that you will get turned on by seeing a dick just like how I get turned on from looking at boobs. Either that or I think my cock is so huge that you should immediately get weak in the knees and want to worship it.
There are also those clever tricksters that try to pull a fast one on you. They usually start with something like “I read your profile and I think you’re great,” before quickly exposing themselves as the “you are my personal fetish dispenser” types with a half-a-dozen extra brain cells.
If each of these happened once, it would be no big deal. The problem is when they happen 5+ times a day, every day for several years. After a while, if these make up say, 90-95% of the message you receive, it’s easy to see how almost everyone that writes to you seems like a clueless asshole. By extension, that must mean that almost everyone in the demographic you are looking for is the same way.
In turn, this makes the subs with potential seem all the more precious. They are the rare breed that understand how to present themselves, type in complete sentences, read a Domme’s profile, etc. Unfortunately a percentage of them are also ghosters, fakers, and liars. The more rare a quality message happens, the more inflated the value of the subs with potential become. The byproduct of this is that when a Domme gets deceived by a time-waster or someone that is dishonest, the disappointment is that much greater.
I know that a lot of Dommes do not actively seek subs but prefer to wait and screen those that contact her. If this process takes a lot longer than they had hoped, with a lot more failures than they had hoped, and a lot more bad messages than good… that is what often leads to being jaded. I can only imagine being surrounded by hundreds of subs and none of them are what you are looking for.
From the perspective of a submissive male and knowing what goes on, I do not blame Dommes for becoming this way. At the same time, it can be a difficult balance to show enough thorns to keep that bad out but still enough of an opening to let the good in. I have, on occasion, found profiles that were far too unapproachable.
While I wrote this with F/m in mind, a similar process often happens with female subs as well.
Femdom Ramblings from a submissive male 
Ah, I have similar experience. Several years back when I was a personal sub I used to help my mistress administer her chastity programs. I saw all the same emails and behaviour.
I am still amazed at how much patience most dommes have in the face of this onslaught. I’d go from new to totally jaded in the course of a few hours.
This experience and the complementary one of being a target of poisonous wannabe subs trying to replace me as her sub left me with a very jaundiced view of 95% of male subs.
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Thank you, Melody. Dommes definitely do have a lot of patience and perseverance to see the process through. I think reaching the point of jaded also makes them much more eager to pounce when they do find someone that clicks with them.
I also have a bit of a negative view towards male subs as a whole. While I have connected with a handful of them over the years, they have been few and far between. In a lot of cases they will ignore me or be actively hostile. The few times I have mentored male subs most of them have tried to rush the process, acted impatient, and abandoned learning in favor of “figuring it out on their own.” I find it odd that I end up successfully mentoring more female subs than male subs.
Take care.
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You are right- it is not just limited to D or s. As a sub, so many men have tried to command me to do things in private message, send inappropriate photos, and tell me that I must treat them with respect even if theyre asshats. Most males do not read my profiles to know that I am happily married. I am totally guilty of having those notes on my profile- message me and I will block you. It is really challenging to not be jaded when you just want to make friends, but some people can only think with their dicks. Great post- can’t say the fact that this happens doesnt make me angry, but awareness might help.
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Thank you, Slars. I don’t blame people for getting jaded by it. I actually see it as the appropriate response to all the headaches. At least you aren’t also getting doms trying to convince you that you are actually a switch/Domme and trying to get you to dominate them, too. It becomes easy to get an over-riding sense that most men are pigs.
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Yikes! Not something I ever want to experience….
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Thank you, Nora. I do believe that you have experienced some of the negative through your blog, such as when you get contacted and receive unwanted advances from men. Those situations tend to have a more immediate and forceful reaction in this process than the slow erosion of 1800 messages they say “hey,” but both are a factor.
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All of this. I need never write on this subject again. I will just post up a link to this article. So good, and it will piss lots of people off which is even better.
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Thank you, DomIP.
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