I have had the pleasure of interacting with some very new Dommes and switches this past week and this topic has popped up a couple of times so I thought it would be good to blog about it. Some of this will be rehash of earlier posts but I am trying to combine the concepts from a few of them into a singular entry that I hope will be useful or interesting to someone.
The darkness of the desires of male subs can be quite shocking, intimidating, and puzzling to people. Many of these desires get so intense and full of suffering and cruelty, that others may struggle to make sense of it all. To an outsider I can imagine that this makes a lot of male subs seem crazy, unreasonable/unrealistic, and even a danger to themselves. It can be especially concerning since a very high percentage of male subs harbor dark fantasies while only a small percentage of female subs seem to share similar fantasies. What I have learned is that this doesn’t happen overnight. It is part of a process.
One of the big contrasts is that a lot more people are familiar with sub women. While many sub women may have dark fantasies about singular events, very few of them actually picture the same level of darkness as a continuous and ongoing lifestyle. e.g. She may fantasize about being taken by a man, bound, used, spanked, etc. but these fantasies are often singular and coincide well with the idea/duration of a “scene.”
While many female subs do desire lifestyle D/s, it is frequently far more in line with the cultural history of male dominance in traditional western society. That is, the husband holds the dominant role and she is the submissive wife. While he may exert power and control, there is a basic level of respect, love, and care given to her. This puts a natural limit on the darkness. The existence of this traditional type of power structure allows for her to embrace and accept her submission in a relatively guilt-free way (the critical eyes are those of feminists, who are by no means the majority of people).
In addition to this, many women have had a lot of opportunities to explore their submissive and kinky side with willing partners in small doses before committing to D/s as a lifestyle. There is never a shortage of potential partners. As a sub, they are desirable. All of these factors contribute to a level of comfort with submission and in turn, a lot of the desires remain in the realm of reasonable and realistic.
Note: I know that this next section does not represent every submissive male. I am writing it without conditional phrases because it has more impact and I do feel that this represents at least a number of submissive men and their experiences and they are the ones I am trying to explain.
Submissive men experience a completely different road. The same cultural history that provides peace to sub women creates turmoil for sub men. From the earliest days that men enter their peer group they are faced with a survival of the fittest power struggle where the alphas struggle for dominance and an eventual hierarchy develops. Eat or be eaten. It becomes natural to develop armor to stave off attacks and claws and fangs to launch your own. The sensitivity that is present in all people becomes buried and hidden from sight.
The desire to submit feels like a perversion. It is contrary to history and the physical strength provided by genetics. If dominance is perceived as a display of strength, submission must be a display of weakness. The societal ideal of masculinity bombards them at every turn. So many women reinforce this by stating their attraction to strong, take-charge men. By the time they mature sexually, many men have lost the ability to trust their peers on an emotional level and see their submission as unattractive.
During the early years hey keep their submissive desires secret, hidden from the world. It festers within them. Each orgasm they masturbate themselves to based on submissive fantasies leaves them with a sense of shame, guilt, knowledge of their abnormality, and a hopeless wish that they didn’t feel this way. They can’t talk about it with anyone. To tell another male would be social death. To tell another female would lead to rejection and confirmation of his worst fears.
Over time, their gender identity erodes until it finally shatters. They aren’t a real man. They feel like they are cursed with a disease that has no cure. They try to hide it and blend in. They feel disgusting. They feel pathetic. They hate themselves because of what they need. In many cases, the submissive male will have no opportunity to explore their submission. Porn becomes their outlet. If they ache badly enough they may resort to paid services.
This process is the source of the darkness. The accumulated negative feelings begin to surface in their fantasies. The shame and guilt lead to an existence of humiliation. The humiliation isn’t cruel, it’s just an honest and truthful assessment.
The destroyed perception of self foster feelings of being pathetic, disgusting, broken, unwanted, undesirable, and unloved. These feelings lead to an existence of being degraded, tormented, tortured, denied, and used. The poor treatment isn’t abuse, because that is how they deserve to be treated. They seek to be used because that is the only way they can envision someone wanting them.
This is where the darkness comes from. This is where the fantasies of cruel slavery and servitude stem from. This is where the fantasies of permanent chastity or castration, intense beatings, being loaned out or sold, strict rules, and a lifestyle of humiliation and degradation grow from. This is where the fantasies of being used for service and her sexual pleasure with no reciprocation are born. These are the evolved fantasies that become fetishes through repeated shameful masturbation.
What you will find strange is that these same men will appear completely normal in everyday life. They have learned to keep their sides separate. No one who sees them knows their secret. Inside, the storm has been raging for years.
Another critical aspect is that the lack of self-acceptance of their submission often prevents men from being able to articulate their feelings about it. Delving into the why forces them to face the negative feelings that shake their sense of self so in many cases they avoid it. They can’t communicate their submission because they do not understand it.
There are probably people who will read this and feel sympathy and pity for these men. They may want to wrap them up and protect them and heal them from the damage. Therein lies the problem. Most sub men who have reached this state are beyond the point of healing. They are so convinced that this is who they are that it is nearly impossible to convince them of it otherwise. In the cases where it works, they most likely have to still be on the younger end of the spectrum and/or it will require years of work to rebuild them.
The other aspect is that many of these sub men do not want to change. When this has grown into a full-blown fetish, what they desire from D/s is to live a life that matches their feelings. They want to be seen as shameful, disgusting, pathetic, and perverse creatures but be accepted for who they are. This is the key psychological point right here: They achieve peace from being accepted for who they are and what they are.
Trying to change them will create cognitive dissonance and may give a deeper sense of rejection: They aren’t okay as they are, so they need to be changed. This disturbs their understanding of self and actually makes them feel worse about themselves.
The final point I would like to make here is that when a male sub overcomes all of these mental, emotional, and social obstacles and fully embraces his submission, this required of him tremendous strength, courage, and effort. I don’t know how anyone could see it as weak.
I hope this helps to shed some light on what is sometimes a puzzling topic.