Very recently I hurt someone dear to me. Badly. Life-changing bad. A betrayal of all that I value the most. It’s something I can’t undo.
It was a little over a month ago that I made some choices. It was only recently that I faced those choices and accepted the responsibility for them. The end result is that I hurt someone that I never wished to harm and the knowledge that it was my own actions that led to this.
I find myself sinking. I haven’t felt this way in over 15 years. I would like to say that it is because it’s not who I am. Since my teens I had chosen to live in the best way that I could. I wanted to live without regrets so I chose to do the right thing at every turn. It didn’t always result in a life without regret but it always preserved some core characteristics of me, namely my self-respect.
My choices gave that self-respect away. It wasn’t just the choice to do so but the avoidance of facing the choice that I made because I am a coward. I was worried about a negative outcome so I created an even worse outcome. I hate myself.
I have recently been listening to a band with a song that has a lyric, “I let myself down when I beat myself up.” In some cases I believe that to be true. In this case I feel like I must beat myself up. I deserve it. I am no longer the person I thought I was. My identity is shattered. If I ignore what I am feeling and brush it under the rug, it will not reset me to who I was two months ago.
How do I earn back self-respect? Make better choices. For how long? Fuck. Until I trust myself again. When will that be? I don’t know.
Is it possible to earn forgiveness for this? I don’t know. Do I deserve it? No.
I keep sinking deeper. I must tear myself down. I have to feel this in order to become someone new that is better than before. I have to hate who I am now to push who I can become tomorrow.
I won’t even consider asking for forgiveness until I feel like I am worthy of forgiving myself. I don’t know how long that will take. I hate myself.