482. Spiraling

Very recently I hurt someone dear to me.  Badly.  Life-changing bad.  A betrayal of all that I value the most.  It’s something I can’t undo.

It was a little over a month ago that I made some choices.  It was only recently that I faced those choices and accepted the responsibility for them.  The end result is that I hurt someone that I never wished to harm and the knowledge that it was my own actions that led to this.

I find myself sinking.  I haven’t felt this way in over 15 years.  I would like to say that it is because it’s not who I am.  Since my teens I had chosen to live in the best way that I could.  I wanted to live without regrets so I chose to do the right thing at every turn.  It didn’t always result in a life without regret but it always preserved some core characteristics of me, namely my self-respect.

My choices gave that self-respect away.  It wasn’t just the choice to do so but the avoidance of facing the choice that I made because I am a coward.  I was worried about a negative outcome so I created an even worse outcome.  I hate myself.

I have recently been listening to a band with a song that has a lyric, “I let myself down when I beat myself up.”  In some cases I believe that to be true.  In this case I feel like I must beat myself up.  I deserve it.  I am no longer the person I thought I was.  My identity is shattered.  If I ignore what I am feeling and brush it under the rug, it will not reset me to who I was two months ago.

How do I earn back self-respect?  Make better choices.  For how long?  Fuck.  Until I trust myself again.  When will that be? I don’t know.

Is it possible to earn forgiveness for this?  I don’t know.  Do I deserve it?  No.

I keep sinking deeper.  I must tear myself down.  I have to feel this in order to become someone new that is better than before.  I have to hate who I am now to push who I can become tomorrow.

I won’t even consider asking for forgiveness until I feel like I am worthy of forgiving myself.  I don’t know how long that will take.  I hate myself.

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14 thoughts on “482. Spiraling

  1. Oh god. I so understand where you are right now. It doesn’t even matter what the details are, the pain is the same. I don’t understand why we do these things, to the ones we have hurt and ourselves as well. I don’t understand why I have done these things. Of course I do, but it’s just so….
    Oh god, why?
    I wish I could help you with this. I wish any one could.But I know how it works.
    I’m so sorry you have to go through this, Furcissy. I mean, not sorry….but….
    You know. ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Whip. It’s one of those things where tearing myself down to reach bottom feels like the only way to climb up. The crutches and band-aids that kept things propped up are rotting away. I forgot how bad this feels but I remember now why I changed in years past to avoid having to ever feel this way. I know I have to plug through this and avoid wallowing or running from it.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. As humans, we are imperfect and make mistakes. This mistake does not define you…how you choose to handle it from this point forward says more about your character than the actual mistake does. You are a good person, furcissy. Trying to carve out what we want in this world is not easy. After the pain, eventually the sun shines again. Sending you hugs ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  3. *hug* We all make mistakes and we are all human. Don’t beat yourself up over it too much, please. Maybe look at it as an opportunity for growth. You made a mistake, you have learned from it, so you are a better person now because you messed up.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, HH. I feel like the mistake was caused by deterioration of the person that I was and beating myself up is what I have to do as penance to ensure I can get back to who I was (or better). It is the way I have always done it, but I’m not sure it is good. Hug.

      Liked by 1 person

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